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Apr 28

Do any of you guys see a huge reptilian eye up there with a women casting chain lightening? No? Uh oh...Click for full image

You remember in the Falklands when the British fleet attacked the Argentinians? Just like that, but imagine the Argentinians were reptiles! And have a large reptilian eye staring at the ass of a busty not-very-clothed women who’s casting chain lightning. I know… I’m physically excited too!

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of artI would touch it without protective glovesI have seen worse. Far, far worseInteresting, but I would still read it in publicMiddling: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lamé picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show, Sir.... Good Show! (Average: 7.83 out of 10)
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20 Responses to “Yellowish Eyes”

  1. admin Says:

    Hmmm, not quite convinced on the quality of my phone pictures. Might have to take a proper camera to the next book shop. But that’s going to look really weird hehe

    But no matter… that cover is epic. And it’s dual written… wonder if it was duel drawn! ;)

  2. JustinLeego Says:

    Would you get a positive or negative modifier for dual weilding art equipment?

  3. SI Says:

    Ohhh interesting….

    + 2 perception
    - 3 charisma

    Subject gains an additional generic sci-fi element per brush stroke.

    ?

  4. JustinLeego Says:

    Presumably you need to gain a skill in Calligraphic Expertise first?

  5. Nix Says:

    No matter how bad the cover is, the book would be worse. I mean, Ringo and Kratman — their first contribution to global literary horror had them painting the Waffen-SS as *good guys*. (The book sold very badly indeed in Germany. Kratman was reportedly surprised by this. Ringo, not being an idiot, was not.)

  6. sardonic_sob Says:

    Ironically, the only real difference between this picture and what happens in the book is that the woman in the book doesn’t wear a shirt. She’s actually a hologram projected by the AI that runs the ship, which does indeed fight reptilian alien centaurs, and they are very superstitious so she does do things like project pretend magic lightning at them. And yes, the AI is a she. This may in fact be one of the most *accurate* sci-fi book cover pictures ever created. Don’t ask me how I know this.

    I said don’t ask me.

    Don’t look at me with your judging, sneering eyes! DON’T JUDGE ME!

  7. sehlat Says:

    Nobody ever said cover art had any function other than to sell books. This one was done because the cover on the hardback edition *really* sucked. A bunch of us went to the artist and pledged our own actual money for him to paint a decent cover, and when the publisher saw the result, she bought it for the paperback edition. I have a very large acid-free print of this on the wall of my office, and many of my colleagues have admired it. Putting this up as a “worst cover” is simply unbelievable.

    And by the way, both “Yellow Eyes” and “Watch on the Rhine” were superb.

  8. Tom Noir Says:

    Just because it looks really ‘metal’ hanging on your wall doesn’t mean it works as a book cover. Like many of the bad covers exhibited here, the main problem is that there is just too much going on in too small a space. Throw in some garish font choices, and you got yourself a covertastrophe!

  9. Akaia Says:

    This truly is a terrible cover…but I would like to point out that it was the Argentinians who invaded British territory first, prompting a retaliation from the British. So really, it was the Argentinians attacking Britain. ;)

  10. A.R.Yngve Says:

    Also look out for these coming titles, sure to be best-sellers among the hard-core fans:
    - SPACEGUARD OF THE WAFFEN-SS
    - ARYAN TIGER TANK ASTRONAUTS
    - GASSING THE ALIEN HORDES
    and
    - LET’S PICK THE GOLD OUT OF THOSE DEAD ALIENS’ TEETH

  11. Alessandra Kelley Says:

    There’s so much going on here it’s painful despite the relatively tasteful colors. This is four covers’ worth of images.

    It’s like looking into a child’s toy chest: Barbie is on top of a big plastic dragon head with some craft detritus — colored yarn or pipe cleaners or pot holder loops — tangled on her hands, some random Warhammer minis at the bottom on a bit of green felt for turf for your toy cars, and a bit of a little plastic castle showing.

  12. Tom Kratman Says:

    @ Nix: in re: “(The book sold very badly indeed in Germany. Kratman was reportedly surprised by this. Ringo, not being an idiot, was not.)”

    I can’t believe I missed this one. Oh, well, better late than never.

    Why, thanks, Nix. Prior to reading this I’d had no idea that number 2 for English books on Amazon.de and 117 for _all_ books on Amazon.de was bad. And there I was surprised it sold so well. Little did I know, eh? Why, I didn’t even know I was supposed to be surprised about what didn’t happen lest you be shown up as…what’s the word?

  13. Tom Noir Says:

    Alert! Alert! Author offended by three-year-old comment on obscure blog!

  14. Tom Kratman Says:

    Oh, puhleeze. I’m not offended; I’m amused. I’ve been here before…just ask around.

  15. SI Says:

    *looks up from behind the bar, sipping his single malt whiskey*

    AYYYEEEEE… I know this Kratman ye speak of… how do you think I got this!

    *taps wooden leg*

  16. Tom Kratman Says:

    LOL.

    “I’m not bad;” I’m just more in tune with “the dark side of the force.”

  17. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Backstage at the Children’s Electric Panto, Mr. Godzilla was showing Barbie how to work the marionettes.

  18. Bibliomancer Says:

    This cries out for the ‘BEHIND YOU” tag. Tagmeister, we beseech you!

  19. The Tag Wizard Says:

    Thanks B’mancer, it takes a while to go through all the posts otherwise! A worthy candidate indeed. Maybe we should add some sort of user tagging system..

  20. Tom Noir Says:

    User tagging would be a cool idea. Would take some of the burden of the admins.

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