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Aug 22

And you thought the Velociraptors from Jurassic Park were smart...Click for full image

Vincent’s Art Direction: So, put an enormous crab on the cover. And, what the hey, give him a knife. No, make it a dagger. Right, then have the sacrificial victim be a young woman lying beneath the knife….perfect, that’s it!
Published 1989

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of artI would touch it without protective glovesI have seen worse. Far, far worseInteresting, but I would still read it in publicMiddling: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lamé picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show, Sir.... Good Show! (Average: 8.96 out of 10)
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36 Responses to “The Human Sacrifice”

  1. James Says:

    They don’t use their claws? interesting….

  2. Kathleen Says:

    “They’re here to kill!” but forgot to bring any weapons. Wait until they find a bow and arrow.

  3. Moonrabbit Says:

    I usually think of a different subtitle when I hear “Crabs”.

    I’d actually like to read this, but only if it describes the eating of crabs in delicious, buttery detail. Just think how tasty that big claw on the cover is.

  4. A.R.Yngve Says:

    “THIS is for seafood restaurants!”

  5. A.R.Yngve Says:

    No, this doesn’t work for me. I will never, ever fear monsters who don’t have opposable thumbs.

  6. THX 1138 Says:

    That’s one amenable lady. You can run away you know, they only walk sideways.

  7. Tom Noir Says:

    I love everything about this cover!

    Perhaps the best part is the subtitle, which implies that CRABS: The Human Sacrifice is only one part of an ongoing CRABS series! Other entries might include: CRABS: Revenge of the Lobsters, CRABS: Now They’re Using Scissors, CRABS: Forbidden Romance and CRABS 2: Electric Boogaloo.

  8. Phil Says:

    What an inventive crustacean. Any other would have relied solely on the immense crushy/pinchy power of the claw, but not this magnificent specimen: he knows the awesome energy of TING!

  9. Phil Says:

    Note to art dept: keep this artwork in reserve for future re-issues of Gene Wolfe’s THE CLAW OF THE CONCILIATOR.

  10. THX 1138 Says:

    @Tom Noir: Guy N. Smith built a whole career on books about crabs! No, he’s not a doctor.

  11. fred Says:

    Wonder if that giant crab from “Mysterious Island” is involved somehow.

  12. Jami Says:

    Come on, people, you’re missing the obvious phallic symbol and sexually transmitted stuff here. The knife, the woman laying in the missionary waiting to be penetrated, a giant crab….

    Obviously this is really the biography of Laura Bell.

  13. SI Says:

    There is too many levels of genius with this book to take in at once.

    BUT maybe we have got it all wrong. Maybe the women is in trouble and about to starve. And the crab is like, “PREPARE THE CRUSTY BREAD AND BUTTER!”

  14. Grady Hendrix Says:

    Guy N. Smith has written a LOT of books about crabs and they all have titles that are delicious…as delicious as their main characters, dipped in melted butter and hot sauce!

    KILLER CRABS
    NIGHT OF THE CRABS
    CRABS UNLEASHED
    THE ORIGIN OF THE CRABS
    CRABS ON THE RAMPAGE
    CRABS’ MOON
    CRABS’ ARMADA
    CRABS’ FURY

    Just to prove he is a genius with titles, he also wrote books called THE SUCKING PIT, THE PONY RIDERS (“They ride….ponies!”) and SATAN’S SNOWDROP. Also: MOLES AND THEIR CONTROL and SPORTING AND WORKING DOGS.

  15. jerk of all trades Says:

    A clever person does not leave an angry voice message on the answering machine of the person they think gave them crabs. A clever person trains those crabs to fight, then sends them to assassinate the person they think gave them crabs.

  16. Tom Noir Says:

    @Grady Hendrix: Wasn’t there a punk band in the late seventies called MOLE CONTROL?

  17. Grady Hendrix Says:

    I think it was called CONTROLLER OF MOLES. Or was that a sci fi book series in the late 70′s?

  18. Mangraa Says:

    I have a feeling there is another person here who reads this site and Conjugal Felicity, for at about the same time that CF started sporking (like MST3K, but for books!) this book, its cover appeared here…

    CF just finished the treatment; I encourage all to go endure, uh, experience it themselves:

    http://conjugalfelicity.com/crabs-the-human-sacrifice/

  19. Anti-Sceptic Says:

    I think the title is meant to convey the emotional hardships that come with having crabs. The title should be read as “Crabs: The result of our overwhelming urges!” And the blurb at the bottom should be read as “The sea can’t wash them away. We can’t stop them. They’re here to kill!”…This is clearly a message meant to reach out to the young generation, where sexual promiscuity has become rampant….Or, I could be totally off the mark and this is simply about giant killer crabs that go after sleeping maidens with sword in hand….err claw.

  20. olympicbenny Says:

    Is Guy N. Smith a nom-de-plume of Garth Marenghi? http://www.garthmarenghi.com/books/crab.htm

  21. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @Tag Wizard: This cover calls for the ‘crabs’ tag! In a clattering, inhuman voice, mind.

  22. Rachel J Says:

    Indeed! Why should “The Wazir and the Witch” get the “giant enemy crab” tag, when this book– the entire *point* of which seems to be the existence of large, antagonistic crustaceans– misses out? It’s discrimination, I tell you!

  23. The Tag Wizard Says:

    CRABS!

  24. Rachel J Says:

    Ah! Much better!

  25. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    CRABS: A RHEUMATIC FINCHES
    CRABS: RHENIUM CAECA SHIFT
    CRABS: INFUSE A MIRTH CACHE
    CRABS: A MECHANIC TUSH FIRE
    CRABS: HIRE A FUN CATECHISM
    CRABS: A CATCHIER FINE MUSH
    CRABS: HUE A MISFIT CHANCRE
    CRABS…UH…A CERAMIC FISHNET
    CRABS: A FRANCHISEE CUM HIT
    CRABS: INTERFACE AHI CHUMS
    CRABS: IF URCHINS, A MACHETE
    CRABS: A FIRM CHI CHANTEUSE

  26. Rachel J Says:

    List at #14 needs updating: Mr Smith has since published “Killer Crabs: The Return”.

  27. B. Chiclitz Says:

    The sea can’t hold them.
    We can’t stop them.
    They’re here to kill
    Guy N. Smith

    I’m not sure we should even warn him. Justifiable homicide, I think.

  28. FeàrofMüsic Says:

    I just read this book. Had to find out, good lord what was I thinking?! Of course it was horrid! What else would it be? Never, never, NEVER feel like you must ‘see if it’s all that bad’. Aaacckk! I feel like my skull has been stuffed with rancid haggis.

  29. Woolly Brontosaurus Says:

    And how many books about giant killer crabs have *you* had published, may I ask? Frankly, if the answer’s less than “nine”, I don’t see how you can presume to criticise Guy N. Smith, the master of deadly crustacean fiction.

  30. SI Says:

    Well… he has you there Fear!

    I mean you had that book about talking dogs… and the one about the killer pineapple with a grudge against liberalism.

    But he’s right… when it comes to crustacean fiction… Guy is the man!

    ;)

  31. Feathery Tyrannomoth Says:

    It will probably sell quite well.

  32. Woolly Brontosaurus Says:

    Besides, in the states she has nipples.

    So does the crab.

  33. B. Chiclitz Says:

    Plus the crab has a fork in the other claw. Much more realistic that way.

  34. Bibliomancer Says:

    With a smaller title font Dell could have squeezed Guy Smith’s author’s name on the front cover. Unless Smith is too embarrassed by his Crab Ouvre to want his name anymore on the books he churns out.

  35. David Cowie Says:

    Giant enemy crab? Don’t forget to attack its weak point, for massive damage!

  36. The Tag Wizard Says:

    That’s right, I heard that this book cover is based on battles which actually took place in feudal Japan.

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