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Jul 15

foUnicorns!Unicorns!

Tom Noir Comments: Unicorns!
Published 1982

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 5.38 out of 10)
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53 Responses to “Unicorns!”

  1. RachelJ Says:

    Unicorns!

  2. Bibliomancer Says:

    Unicorns!

  3. SI Says:

    Unicorns!

  4. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    KHAAAAN!

    edit: Unicorns!

  5. fred Says:

    Unicorns!
    Virgins!
    Virgins?
    Laps!
    Lapps???
    Laps!
    Finns?
    Fins???
    Finns!
    Mermaids?
    Huh?
    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3pxWASlzesA/UZGcI1ukS5I/AAAAAAAAJ9Q/QVfwAAGGnN0/s1600/mermaids.jpg
    UNICORNS!
    JUGHEAD!

  6. THX 1138 Says:

    Dammit, there’s no way we can get these guys under the Trade Descriptions Act now!

  7. Tom Hering Says:

    That tail looks like a tapeworm on fire.

  8. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @Tom: observe, everything’s on fire. Tail, mane, hooves, chin, suspicious white milky pollutant on the river.

  9. B. Chiclitz Says:

    Q. What’s worse than a Unicorns!

    A. A smirking Unicorns!

  10. Tat Wood Says:

    It appears that the best defence against a smug unicorn made of white chocolate is a powerful hairdryer.

  11. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Any bets as to whether or not ‘Edited by Jack Dann & Gardner Dozois’ was intended to fit on the suspiciously blank small banner at the bottom?

  12. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @Tag Wizard: We need an exclamatory title tag!

  13. Tom Noir Says:

    On Facebook someone points out that this book was merely the first in a long series of exclamation-suffixed anthologies by the same editors, one that included Mermaids!, Dogtales!, and Magicats!

  14. Tat Wood Says:

    @Dead Stuff (11): Maybe it was left clear optimistically, to allow a reprint with ‘Hugo Award Winner’.

    @Tom Noir: Magicats! isn’t nearly as bad as the title suggests, sadly.

  15. anon Says:

    @B.Chiclitz:
    Q: What’s worse than a smirking unicorn?
    A: A blonde smirking unicorn with a wavy goatee.

  16. Tat Wood Says:

    “Unicorns!”

    Like normal unicorns but with show-tunes.

  17. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @Tat: like…this???

    I simply adore how the ‘Recent Comments field shows we are all on Unicorns!

  18. RachelJ Says:

    @Tom Noir. And amongst all the Dragons! Demons! Mermaids! and Seaserpents! we find… Horses!

    Possibly the series would have gone on to feature such legendary monsters as Sheep! and Cows! had the editors not decided to drop the exclamation point and change the whole concept to “The Museum of Science Fiction Trends”
    (“Hackers”… “Nanotech”… etc).

  19. Tat Wood Says:

    @RachelJ: there’s already a magazine called ‘Sheep!” with the exclamation mark and everything. http://www.sheepmagazine.com/

  20. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @Tat: That cover has a good argument for being on GSS. I think that’s a tiny spaceman clutched in his cloven hoof.

  21. RachelJ Says:

    @B. Chiclitz. I believe you’re right. That is clearly Space Sheep’s evil cousin, Galactic Warlord Sheep.

    “Baaa, Earthlings! Flock to me, or be trampled beneath the hooves of my ovine legions. Your planet will be renamed… Ewetopia.”

  22. RachelJ Says:

    It’s not just the picture, either. The articles include, “Breeding Up New Options, A.I. Pioneer Looks Toward The Past And Future”. Can we expect an army of time-travelling cloned sheepborgs?

  23. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @RachelJ: ‘I’ll be baaaack.’

    …someone had to say it…

  24. Severian 67 Says:

    Armadillos!

  25. anon Says:

    This cover is very unicorny.

  26. Amanda Says:

    There have been some terrible covers on here over the years but somehow, this one strikes me as the one I’d be most embarrassed to be caught reading on the bus.

  27. A.R.Yngve Says:

    So… unicorns?

  28. Anna T. Says:

    Unicorns! With weird-looking manes!

  29. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @13 Tom: One can only imagine the tag lines after a bit…

    ‘SIXTEEN MAGICAL TALES ABOUT THE MOST WONDROUS OF ALL CREATURES OTHER THAN UNICORNS, MERMAIDS, DRAGONS, WIZARDS, ELVES, DWARVES, FAERIES, WEREWOLVES, SILKIES, CENTAURS, DEMON DOGS, CATPEOPLE, THUNDERBIRDS, BROWNIES, HALFLINGS, WIZARDS, WITCHES, WARLOCKS, GNOMES OR CHUPACABRAS…

    Assistant News Directors!’

  30. random Donna Says:

    I had another book from this series (the Exclamation! anthologies?) called MAGICATS! Apparently the editors felt that CATS! alone wasn’t sufficiently exciting. Maybe CATS! sounded too much like exasperated pet owners yelling at their errant moggies.
    Sadly, the cover of MAGICATS! was just a boring picture of a sly-looking cat.

    Uncle Bill?
    Beastmaster?
    Buffy?
    Mr. Drysdale?
    Mrs. Beasley?
    Dark One?
    Chief?
    UNICORNS!

  31. RachelJ Says:

    @random Donna Or it could be to avoid confusion. “Unicorns!” isn’t a musical… yet.

  32. RachelJ Says:

    Note to posterity: Comments 19 – 23 refer to the July/August 2015 issue of Sheep! http://countrysidenetwork.com/shop/sheep-364-julyaugust-2015/

    This is the best magazine cover in the history of periodicals and it should be made into a film.

  33. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @RachelJ—what is left of memory in this everything-is-always-present age will be forever grateful to you.

    If that cover ever is made into a film, I hope you get to direct.

  34. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Unicorns!
    Unicorns?
    Ace Books’ Unicorns!
    Ace Books?
    Ace Books aliens anthropomorphism Baen Books Ballantine Books beard-wielding BEHIND YOU! bladed weapons bracers cat people cleavage cloaks daemons damsel DAW Books devil’s dumplings dragon evil fire font problems glow Good Show Sir gun horses hunk lasers loincloth magic monsters moon muscles once you see it planets robots space space sheep space ships space suit starkers strange creature sword Ting! Tor Books Unicorns! unknown artist Ursula K. Le Guin Vonda N. McIntyre *thud*
    Extinct!

  35. Tom Noir Says:

    You really have to look up the XXX parody, Uniporn!

  36. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    True story.

    I have been on a field expedition with a number of other palaeontologists. One happened to mention that she had been reading an article on using radio collars on sheep to improve remote Internet connections. Her source for this article? Sheep Magazine.

    Coincidence? Six degrees of Space Sheep? Or a conspiracy…?

  37. B. Chiclitz Says:

    Here, kid, first sheep’s free. Don’t mind that “collar.” It’ll help you get to the Uniporns! website faster, sure it will . . . .

  38. RachelJ Says:

    @Dead Stuff. Wait, what? Sheep are literally powering the internet?

  39. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Stranger Things!

  40. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @DSWBT—that’s really good, and sorta scary, if you stare at it for awhile. That room, for instance . . .

  41. Tom Noir Says:

    Stranger Things is excellent. All hail Netflix.

  42. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Business!

  43. Tat Wood Says:

    @ Dead Stuff: Bravo! This has guaranteed that I’ll spend all day worrying about the implications.

    Why does a unicorn(!) need a business card? Surely anyone can see that s/he is a unicorn(!) without it. Does it have the bearer’s contact details? If so, this raises the matter of whether a non-centaur mythical horse-creature can use a phone or a keyboard. And how do you hand it over? Can a unicorn(!) even manage a handshake?

    What line of business is a unicorn (!) going to be in?

  44. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @Tat: I strongly suspect it involves Granny Weatherwax, but alas! Sir Terry is no longer with us to fill us in on the details…

  45. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @Tat:

    ‘Who the hell are ya?’

    ‘You know. You all know exactly who I am. Say my name.’

    ‘Do what? I-I don’t have a damn clue who you are.’

    ‘Yeah you do. I’m the most wondrous of all creatures. I’m the perissodactyl who killed Gus Fring.’

    ‘Horseshit. Virgins got Fring.’

    ‘Are you sure?….That’s right. Now. Say my name.’

    ‘Unicorns!’

    ‘You’re goddamn right.’

  46. GSS ex-noob Says:

    Also for posterity, I’d like to point out that the magazine is titled

    “sheep!”

    Lower case, but an exclamation point. What’s it mean?

    And finally:

    Unicorns!

  47. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Do you know that scene in Animal House where the members of Delta house pour cheap American beer on the new initiates? I feel that Xnoob has gone through the same thing tonight. 😉 Cheers, pal!

  48. GSS ex-noob Says:

    Thanks?

  49. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Einhyrningur!

    A surprised Unicorns!, no less!

  50. FluffyGhostKitten Says:

    Fun fact: In the Middle Ages, unicorns were thought to be ferocious, deadly animals. Which is why they’re a symbol of Scotland.

  51. Tor Mented Says:

    Unique horns!

  52. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    /dcc send FGK beerbath.exe
    /dcc send TM beerbath.exe

  53. Tat Wood Says:

    @FluffyGhostKitten: James VI of Scotland, later James I of England, wrote a learned treatise based on the sorites

    a. Everything in the Bible is true
    b. Unicorns are mentioned in the psalms, ergo
    c. Unicorns must exist.

    I think there was something similar in Topsell’s Histories of Beasts.

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