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Sep 21

Hey look, it's Roseanne RoseannadannaClick for full image

Bibliomancer’s Comments: “Get your slimy squid tentacles off my cleaning lady. Domestic servants are hard to find!”
Published 1975

The epic wraparound cover

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 7.62 out of 10)
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40 Responses to “Sword of the Gael”

  1. DaveM Says:

    Insert obligatory “I’ve seen enough Hentai to know where this is going” joke here.

  2. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    This isn’t cover art. This is a vague fancy. It looks like something an artist threw together waiting for the next bus, singing ‘doo-doo-doo-doo’ under his breath while he worked his crayons.

  3. THX 1138 Says:

    When Mr Tickle goes bad.

  4. SI Says:

    Mr and Mrs Cormac Mac Art

  5. anon Says:

    (in the tradition of) CONAN
    (which is) based on the character created by
    <THE GUY WHO CREATED CONAN>:
    (<gaelic barbarian name>)
    <A Vaguely Gaelic, Conanish Book Title>
    (by <whoever actually wrote it>)

    “I’d like A McRat, please.”
    “Would you like A McOrc with that?”

  6. A.R.Yngve Says:

    “Never Before Published!”
    You realize that you could put that boast on EVERY SINGLE BOOK IN THE UNIVERSE the first time it is published?

    Though with a cover like that, the tagline should’ve read “Never Before Fondled By The Clammy Hands Of A Man In A Raincoat Who Smells Real Bad”…

  7. anon Says:

    @A.R.Yngve: Could it be an answer to a question of some sort?

    Spouse: “When will you stop writing this crap and start spending time with your family?”
    Author: “Never before published!”
    Spouse: “I guess we’ll have to find the money ourselves so you can get rid this obsession.”
    Author: “Guess what’s going on the cover!”

  8. fred Says:

    ‘Offutt wrote hundreds of pornographic/erotic works under over a dozen different pseudonyms, not all of them identified. Known pseudonyms include John Cleve, J.(John) X. Williams, Jeff Douglas, Turk Winter, Farrah Fawkes, & Baxter Giles.’ wiki
    Seems kinda obvious looking at this cover.
    http://www.amazon.com/Turk-Winter/e/B00IYD7JA4
    I’m afraid to GOOGLE the rest of his pseudonyms.

  9. Perry Armstrong Says:

    Thrilling adventures at the dawn of time with Cormac Mac Art and his comrade, Adobe Stock Clip Art.

  10. Noel Says:

    This looks like a picture of a real event that someone took on their phone, then fiddled with the edit function, before saying ‘ah, f**k it…’

  11. B. Chiclitz Says:

    A novel in the tradition of Robert E. Howard’s CONAN!

    A cover in the tradition of Frank Frazetta!

    Neither holding even a tiny candle to the originals!!

    Never again published!

  12. Perry Armstrong Says:

    @Noel: er, what sort of ‘real events’ do you go to?

  13. B. Chiclitz Says:

    I thought thongs were supposed to be a turn on.

  14. Bibliomancer Says:

    Andrew J Offutt. Putting the ick into the Gaelic.

  15. Tom Noir Says:

    What Conan covers would look like if they involved real people?

  16. Tag Wizard Says:

    New tag contest – “fake Conan” – submit your nominations!

  17. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @Tag Wiz—I guess this qualifies.

  18. THX 1138 Says:

    Faux-nan, surely?.

  19. Tat Wood Says:

    It’s sad; Offnutt ridiculed Howard-clone hacks in a short story published a couple of years earlier. He must have had bills to pay. ‘The Black Sorcerer of the Black Castle’ (in Joe Haldeman’s collection ‘Cosmic Laughter’) was the first time I came across Howard’s name.

  20. Tag Wizard Says:

    @B. Chiclitz – Ooooh, a 2-fer: fake Conan and fake Edgar Rice Burroughs!

    @THX 1138 – Good Show Sir! I guess Offutt was just faux-nanning it in on this one.

  21. anon Says:

    Should ‘faux-nan’ be a tag?

  22. THX 1138 Says:

    It is now! As Blakey off of On the Buses used to say, that’s made my day, that ‘as!

  23. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Would Balzan of the Cat People count as a faux-nan? He is certainly a faux-zan!

  24. Bibliomancer Says:

    @DSWBT – I think Balzan is more of a “Tarz-sham” than a “Faux-nan”

  25. Anna T. Says:

    Faux-nan there looks more like a shirtless Viking. And don’t get me started on his lady friend.

  26. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @Anna T: Look at her right hand, it looks like she’s getting started with Squidward.

  27. Perry Armstrong Says:

    @fred(8): “Offutt wrote hundreds of pornographic/erotic works…” – guess that explains Faux-nan’s mighty porn’stache, then.

  28. B. Chiclitz Says:

    Faux-zan: “Hey, that water’s cold.”
    Faux-nan: “Yeah, and it’s deep too.”

    From an early Offutt ms.

  29. Vyrmis Says:

    Gonna be honest, I kind of like this. It’s an interesting style. A bit like ‘Frazetta meets van Gogh’.

  30. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @Vyrmis 29: Well, that is why they say “Degustibus non disputandem est.”

    And that’s what’s great about GSS!

    But, I ask all respectfully, can you really account for that guy’s hyperextended arms by asserting some vision of genius?

    And, in terms of the narrative dimension of the painting, if they are both being entrapped by the kraken’s tentacles, why is he aiming the sword at her?

  31. Vyrmis Says:

    “can you really account for that guy’s hyperextended arms by asserting some vision of genius?”

    Genius, probably not. But he’s more wiry than some of the oddly glossy, hypertrophied steroid boys you’d see from other covers here, and the scapula and clavicle can be more mobile than than people expect.

    http://www.details.com/images/health-fitness/exercise/201408/adonis-belt-workout/3-tighten-your-belt.jpg
    http://www.sensational-yoga-poses.com/images/seated-front-fold-4.jpg

    And there’s a degree of stylisation in there, already apparent from the choppy-brushstrokes impressionism. (I mean, the artist seems to have placed the insertion point of the brachioradialis distal to the medial epicondyle of the humerus: the fiend!) But that’s still allowed, isn’t it? Looking closer at it, I could make other, less highbrow (or at least less worshipped) comparisons like Kevin O’Neill or Mike McMahon. Similar kind of choppy, angular, not-quite-bothered-about-strict-accuracy approach.

    “…why is he aiming the sword at her?”

    I honestly can’t see it.

    Please don’t think I’ve popped up here just to argue, though. I’ve lurked here for a while (and I’ve known about the weirdness of SF/F covers far longer!) and I know most entries here deserve a point-n-laugh or a facepalm. It’s just that this one strikes a chord, somehow. Worst thing in my eyes is that the artist seems too fond of his desaturated, muddy tones. Looks like ‘bog’ was the medium as well as the setting.

  32. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    ‘Observe, wench, how I defeat the cephalopod with my Sensational Yoga Poses!’ ™

  33. Tat Wood Says:

    This is a Spinal Tap album cover. That’s Derek Smalls in the tin hat attacking Colony Sarff and the other two are probably on the back. The ginger girl is probably the latest in a long string of hapless drummers.

  34. Bibliomancer Says:

    If you are a bit near-sighted this cover sure looks like it is
    CONAN by ROBERT E. HOWARD.
    You have to read a lot of disclaimers in small type to discover it is “in the tradition of …” and “based on the character created by …”
    No deception intended I am sure.

  35. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @Vyrmis—cool; fairly stated; as I said . . . .

  36. Francis Boyle Says:

    The poor guy’s been holding that sword there for an eternity just waiting for a ting. Because we all know you can’t take a swing if it ain’t got that ting.

  37. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @Francis: Boyle’s Law states that we are required to stab in the face anyone who makes a pun so horrible that we live in envy of it. 🙂

  38. RachelJ Says:

    @Vyrmis. But one of his arms is clearly much longer than the other. Meanwhile, her upper and lower portions appear to belong to two different women. I don’t know about “not allowed”, but I’d say it’s a problem…

  39. infoqueen Says:

    @RachelJ: maybe the Kraken’s tentacles have squished all of her upper body down into her lower body, like squeezing the air around in a partially deflated balloon. (and yes, I know it doesn’t work like that…)

  40. random Donna Says:

    @ Tat Wood (33): Yes, exactly! I’m glad I’m not the only one who saw this as an album cover with Derek Smalls. Although, since he seems to be the hero, I assumed this was the cover of his solo album.

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