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Dec 10

Leather Goddess of PhobosClick for full image

Perry Armstrong Comments: This single photograph might be all that remains, speaking to future ages by saying: “Watch out you two, you’re about to be hit by a spaceship!”
Published 1976

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 7.80 out of 10)
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36 Responses to “Andra”

  1. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    ‘Be turned into chunky salsa in a high speed collision, or be stuck forever on this cover with this git…you tell me which one you’d choo/–‘

  2. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    ‘Elizabeth Holden, better known by her pen name Louise Lawrence, was an English science fiction author, acclaimed during the 1970s and 1980s. She has been classified as a writer with the worst sci/fi fantasy book covers. She died on December 6, 2013 of a heart attack in her home at Kiltimagh, Ireland, after suffering from font problems a number of years prior.’

  3. Bibliomancer Says:

    Pleather Goddess of Phobos

  4. Tom Noir Says:

    Well I guess we know who got all the eyebrows in this family.

  5. fred Says:

    https://www.kirkusreviews.com/book-reviews/louise-lawrence/andra/

    Almost as depressing as this cover.

  6. Tom Noir Says:

    Well I had to know more, so I Googled it. Apparently this was a short-lived Australian TV series.

    “Set in the year 4000AD in the underground society of Sub City One, a teenage girl, Andra, is injured in an accident and is given the preserved brain of a young man who lived in the 1980s.”

    Wikipedia notes: “The Andra TV series (8 x 30 minute episodes) is unique amongst such shows as to have been created on such as small budget that in the background, in crowd scenes, the ‘crowd’ is actually made up of store clothing dummies. The sets, instead of containing items of furniture, or other articles, are large white blocks piled up on each other.”

  7. Bibliomancer Says:

    The gent is sporting the same tuft of hair as the beast on yesterday’s cover.

  8. B. Chiclitz Says:

    Agent: “John, Johnny baby, what I deal I swung for you. ABC Network. Eight 30-minute episodes. Huge budget. Hot co-star, you’ll love it. I know it’s TV, but frankly, Johnny, the big scripts haven’t exactly been flooding in since RED 2 and all.”

    John Malkovich: “ABC, huh? Well, it’s a major American network . . . and a big budget you say?”

    Agent: Right! Right! Er, well, the ABC thing—it’s actually Australian Broadcasting Company, but a great network anyway, right? And, uh, maybe the budget is a ‘little’ tighter than we’d like. And ‘hot’ of course is in the eye of the beholder. But wait until you see the eyebrows, babes, you’re gonna love it!”

  9. Ray P Says:

    It sounds like THX1138 crossed with All of me. The transexual angle makes it ripe for a BBC redo.

  10. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @RayP: I don’t rightly know about that. Speaking as a gentleman who was a teenager in the 1980s, I think I would spend a lot more time compelling Ms. Andra to play NES and listen to hair metal. 😛

  11. Ray P Says:

    If it has Hawkwind providing the soundtrack (esp. Quark, Strangeness and Charm) I’m sold.

  12. anon Says:

    – Professor?
    – Yes, Andra, what is it?
    – Remember the large vice you got angry at and threw out the airlock yesterday?
    – I do, Andra. What about it?
    – Remember how you told me that objects stayed in the orbit or even fell back to their starting point if it didn’t reach the escape velocity?
    – Yes, though I’m not sure I follow your meaning, Andra.
    – Well-
    *thud*

  13. Anna T. Says:

    What is up with that man’s hair? I think you’ll understand me when I say I don’t see the point of wearing a wig that shows you’re balding. I really, really don’t. And given how far forward his head is, he’s clearly got some neck and back problems.

  14. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @Anna T.—in space, hair is not subject to laws of gravitation. I think that accounts for the look.

  15. Tat Wood Says:

    I’m surprised Perry Armstrong didn’t say something like this:

    General: My Lord President, the Doctor has fled Gallifrey, taking the effects budget with him!
    Rassilon: Never mind that, we’re on Australian telly and nobody’s watching.
    General: And there’s a giant roof-rack approaching in chroma-key!
    Rassilon: See to it, and give me my hat back.

  16. A.R.Yngve Says:

    “Check out my new remote-controlled model spaceship.”
    “It is very nice.”
    “Yes. I am going to have so much fun.”
    “Yes. So much fun.”
    “Please put me out of my misery.”
    “You put me out of my misery first.”

  17. Perry Armstrong Says:

    @Tat Wood(15): I figured someone would come up with a Gallifrey joke, and I doubt mine would’ve been as funny 🙂

    If my caption appears to start abruptly, it’s because less than half of my original submission was published, for whatever reason. It gave a potted background to the book & series, and might well have been sheer poetry, dear boy, but its absence prompted some excellent research by Dead Stuff, fred and Tom Noir who brought up every point I’d originally made, and then some!

  18. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    I’d just like to step in here for just a moment and mention that ‘Topliner Redstar’ looks a bit like ‘Topuner Redstar’, which doesn’t mean anything, but if you scramble all of the letters together you get ‘Trout Panderers’, which sounds naughty. I’m done now, thank you.

  19. THX 1138 Says:

    The accusing glare that says, “Who nicked the letter ‘e’ from my name?”

  20. Perry Armstrong Says:

    @Dead Stuff(18): I’m surprised you didn’t just go with ‘Topliner Redstar’ itself, as it’s an anagram treasure trove:

    Interlard Tropes (pretty much what we do in this forum)
    Lipread Torrents (a memorable scene from 2001)
    Leotard Sprinter (’nuff said)
    Rattled Prisoner (McGoohan on a bad day)
    Pardon Litterers (which we should never do)
    Transporter Deli (a future Jason Statham sequel)
    Terrestrial Pond (11th Doctor’s first story)
    Ad Litterer’s Porn (Chinese GSS?)
    … and many more.

  21. A.R.Yngve Says:

    As seen on ABC-TV… yaaayy…

    Sales of antidepressants went through the roof near every bookstore that sold this edition.

  22. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    /me smiles as Perry takes the bait

    /me slaps Perry around a bit with A REAL ROTGUT
    /me slaps Perry around a bit with TORTURE GALA
    /me slaps Perry around a bit with ULTRA GAROTE
    /me slaps Perry around a bit with A LEGAL TUTOR
    /me slaps Perry around a bit with A REGULAR TOT
    /me slaps Perry around a bit with A TUG REALTOR
    /me slaps Perry around a bit with A GROUT ALERT
    /me slaps Perry around a bit with A GAOL TURRET
    /me slaps Perry around a bit with A GRUEL TAROT

    and, last but not least,

    /me slaps Perry around a bit with A TRUER GLOAT

  23. Anna T. Says:

    @Tat Wood: Brilliant, sir, brilliant. I don’t think I could have done as well, either.

  24. anon Says:

    @Perry Armstrong, @DSWBT: My turn!

    A. RAND by Lila, Necrous Ewe
    (Penetrators * dirl)
    /AV baton scenes/

  25. A.R.Yngve Says:

    What this cover needs is better splashes.
    “The Smash Hit TV Show, Now In Book Format!”
    “Topliner NOVA WHITE-HOT Release”
    “First Time In Paperback!”
    “Foreword By ISAAC ASIMOV * ”
    (* 3 lines which he wrote on a cocktail napkin during lunch)

  26. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @AR: ‘Coupon Inside!’

  27. DaveM Says:

    Andra – Uncut! *

    (* contains 3 extra words removed during editing)

  28. Ray P Says:

    ANDRA NAKED PICS INSIDE! (should shift a few copies)

  29. DaveM Says:

    ANDRA – Original authors text! *

    (* leaves in the spelling errors and that weird chapter about the space wallaby that never did make sense)

  30. A.R.Yngve Says:

    “Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda Been a New York Times Bestseller!”

  31. HappyBookworm Says:

    I think the look on her face screams, “Are you seriously going to take a photo of me in this getup? And posing with a wax manikin too!”

  32. Revellion Says:

    All this time I thought they were balancing an odd typewriter between their heads, BUT THEN I realised it was a badly placed spaceship in the background….
    which can’t be right either because it casts a shadow. What the hell is this cover supposed to be?

  33. Alex Says:

    I vaguely remember this show back in the early70s, we watched it on b&w tv in Kalgoorlie on the ABC, I was prob only about 5 or 6. My dad had a copy of this book for yrs on the bookshelf, only just found this link online.

  34. Bibliomancer Says:

    @Alex – Welcome to the site. We appreciate your Australian perspective (and any terrible Australian paperback covers you can photograph and submit)!

  35. A.R.Yngve Says:

    “Anemic adventure on the Planet Valium!”

  36. L. A. Julian Says:

    “We may not have much of a props budget, but our wig department is unmatched!”

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