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Jan 24

UnicornsClick for full image

Alice Comments: It’s the solution to all your unicorn problems!
Published 1991

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 7.67 out of 10)
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34 Responses to “The Unicorn Solution”

  1. L.B. Says:

    “Good morning, Angels…. I mean, unicorns! Your mission for today is…”

  2. Bibliomancer Says:

    I need to put that unicorn head into the bed of a wizard I want to send a message to.

  3. fred Says:

    That horn looks like it’s attached via suction cup.

  4. Francis Boyle Says:

    The unicorn solution is to interbreed unicorns with pegasuses (pegasi?) so that they won’t follow the example of Douglas Adam’s whale.

    (And now I have the gnawing feeling that that, indeed, is ‘The Unicorn Solution’.)

  5. Alice Says:

    Always use a dilute unicorn solution to avoid staining.

  6. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    I have a tremendous number of Unicorns! problems now, after seeing this cover.

  7. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    There should be a rule at Unknown Artist Institute…’when painting a Unicorns!, do your utmost to make sure it doesn’t look like the horse is dying of cerebral hemorrhage after having the horn impaled up through its cerebral cortex.’

  8. THX 1138 Says:

    Unicollision!

  9. Anna T. Says:

    Did someone just come from a successful unicorn hunt and pay to get the head mounted on their wall?

    I wonder what the taxidermist made of the request.

  10. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @Anna T.—remember, that’s “Unicorns!”😊

  11. B. Chiclitz Says:

    In the early days of genetic engineering, some ghastly and grotesque outcomes had to be endured before the true Unicorns! genomic sequence was brought under control.

  12. Tom Noir Says:

    Remember that three wolf moon t-shirt that was ironically popular for a while?

    Someone needs to make this into a t-shirt.

  13. Bibliomancer Says:

    @Tom Noir – On a T-shirt? This needs to be airbrushed on the side of a mini-van!

  14. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @Bibliomancer—because nothing says “portable meth lab” like a bunch of wired airbrushed Unicorns!

  15. A.R.Yngve Says:

    It seems the cover is trying to say that John Lee is a crazy-eyed unicorn. Which is the strangest form of libel I’ve ever seen.

  16. A.R.Yngve Says:

    When the only tool you’ve got is magic, every problem looks like a unicorn.

  17. Ray P Says:

    I’ll have a double-whip ice cream, ta.

  18. Tat Wood Says:

    @Ray P.: Unicornetto!

  19. GSS noob Says:

    The two in the back don’t look determined, or angry, or heroic to me. They just look terrified. As well they might, being way up in the air contemplating the severed head of one of their own.

    D’you suppose the artist was just told “Unicorns!” and said, “Fine, you want Unicorns! I’ll give them to you, but they’re gonna be floating. And one’s a taxidermied head.” Or did he paint the two in the background and was told “We need more Unicorns! on this cover” and slap the head on later. “Here’s your friggin’ Unicorns! art director.”

    @Tom, B’mancer: this is so majestic, I think it can be both a t-shirt and a van painting.

    @AnnaT: when you GIS:

    https://www.google.com/search?q=unicorn+mounted+head&rlz=1CAACAC_enUS685US724&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjcl8Lx2tvRAhVC-GMKHeGZDUAQsAQImQE&biw=1207&bih=612

    Many of them are suggested as children’s room decor, which would have scared the crap out of me as a wee noob, thinking a real unicorn had existed and then been killed just to hang on my wall.

  20. GSS noob Says:

    Feh. I’m in moderation for a honking great link.

    I’m pretty sure the horn on the head is one of these
    https://mcphee.com/products/inflatable-unicorn-horn-for-cats

    @Anna T: do an image search for “unicorn mounted head”.

  21. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Are we sure that’s a Unicorns! solution, and not a Unicorns! suspension? What’s the miscibility like?

  22. DaveM Says:

    So, The Unicorn solution. The only solution is magic? Which of these statements is true? Is there a unicorn solution, or is there only a magic solution? So confused..

    Getting back to the artwork, I can’t help thinking this cover would be vastly improved by removing the disembodied unicorn head staring at the reader with dead eyes. It’d still be cheesy, but way less disturbing.

  23. Scott B Says:

    Do you have Unicorn Problems? Are you looking for a Unicorn Solution? What you need is to call the unicorn specialists at Dave’s East Side Unicorn Exterminators (Est. 1923) and we guarantee you will be unicorn-free for the next five years or your money back!

  24. GSS noob Says:

    @DSWBT: And doesn’t this imply there’s a Unicorns! precipitate? Considering their resemblance to horses, I shudder at what it might be composed of.

    @Dave M: Good point. When the blurb contradicts the title, what are we to believe? In this case, I think the blurb — it’s bigger, fancier, and Unicorns!

    @Tom, B’mancer: this is so majestic, I think it can be both a t-shirt and a van painting.

    ——————————————

    Still stuck in moderation, just going to copy my comment here since GSS Lord and Tag Wizard are asleep.

    The two in the back don’t look determined, or angry, or heroic to me. They just look terrified. As well they might, being way up in the air contemplating the severed head of one of their own.

    D’you suppose the artist was just told “Unicorns!” and said, “Fine, you want Unicorns! I’ll give them to you, but they’re gonna be floating. And one’s a taxidermied head.” Or did he paint the two in the background and was told “We need more Unicorns! on this cover” and slap the head on later. “Here’s your friggin’ Unicorns! art director.”

    Many of the disturbing images I found on my Google image search are suggested as children’s room decor, which would have scared the crap out of me as a wee noob, thinking a real unicorn had existed and then been killed just to hang on my wall.

    However, my brother has a none more black sense of humor and I think I know what I’m going to buy him next Christmas. A fake one cos he’s vegetarian, and inflatable cos his condo has thin crappy walls.

  25. JuanPaul Says:

    Sweet leaping Unicorns! I’ve got the solution! It’s magic, John Lee!

  26. classicOz Says:

    The first book was the ‘unicorn problem’, the second ‘the unicorn hypothesis’. I suppose, after tackling this solution, the fourth book would be ‘the Dicorn problem’
    Right?

  27. MeinFuhnicorn Says:

    Jah Jah. Das final Unicorn solution has finally been achieved.

  28. RachelJ Says:

    @Dave M. No, you have it all wrong. This cover depicts the unsuccessful *first attempt* at creating a unicorn. On realising that horses with plastic horns glued haphazardly to their skulls don’t actually qualify as “unicorns”, our would-be unicorn-maker decided, “The solution is magic!”

    See? Perfectly simple.

  29. DaveM Says:

    @RachelJ, and obviously created this first batch in his magical blimp fortress which explains the altitude, he’s disposing of them.
    This almost makes sense. Good Show!

    Let’s see, it’s 5pm here, so I obviously need to fill a wine glass with as much wine as is possible (limited only by fluid dynamics & surface tension) for immediate consumption. Yes, that makes more sense. 🙂

  30. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    I do believe DaveM has hit on an ingenious solution… 😉

  31. GSS noob Says:

    I figured DaveM was applying the standard solution to anything here on GSS. It’s not Unicorns! it’s alcohol.

  32. HappyBookworm Says:

    The only solution is Unicorns!…Trying to think of a context in which this sentence makes sense. Failing…

    One of the Unicorns! is eating the N in the title.

  33. RachelJ Says:

    @HappyBookworm. A tasty snack to distract itself from the fact that its horn is on sideways.

  34. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @HB, RachelJ: Surprisingly scrumptious!

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