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May 24

A sword-id tale!Click for full image

JuanPaul Comments: I CAN HAZ LOST SWORD?

Published 1985

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 7.00 out of 10)
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20 Responses to “The Sword of Calandra”

  1. Bibliomancer Says:

    Hey big guy. How about you use that lost sword to open me a tin of Friskies™!

  2. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    MALVOLIO
    Sweet lady, ho, ho.
    OLIVIA
    Smilest thou?
    I sent for thee upon a sad occasion.
    MALVOLIO
    Sad, lady! I could be sad: this does make some
    obstruction in the blood, this cross-gartering; but
    what of that? if it please the eye of one, it is
    with me as the very true sonnet is, ‘Please one, and
    please all.’
    OLIVIA
    Why, how dost thou, man? what is the matter with thee?
    MALVOLIO
    Not black in my mind, though yellow in my legs. It
    did come to his hands, and commands shall be
    executed: I think we do know the sweet Roman hand.
    OLIVIA
    Wilt thou go to bed, Malvolio?
    MALVOLIO
    To bed! ay, sweet-heart, and I’ll come to thee.
    OLIVIA
    God comfort thee! Why dost thou smile so and kiss
    thy hand so oft?
    MALVOLIO
    I must catechise you for it, madonna: good my mouse
    of virtue, answer me.

    Enter Will Shakespuss

    WILL
    No, no, no, no! You said that line back in act II, the blocking is terrible, I could barely hear you in the second row, and YOU forgot your yellow tights! Look, loves, let’s all have a break and then take it from the bit with the throne.

  3. SI Says:

    whoever WROTE the TITLE needs A NEW keyboard.

  4. THX 1138 Says:

    Tristan’s the cat, isn’t he?

  5. fred Says:

    @THX – Death was the mouse, wasn’t he?
    Funny, she doesn’t look like Thanos.

  6. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Someone who knows about ladies’ fashion…WTF is that gown, anyway?

  7. B. Chiclitz Says:

    Cat: Speaking of sitting on the “throne,” have you looked at my kitty litter box lately? It’s disgusting. When are you going to clean it?

    Tristan: When I find the lost sword, the one with the scooper attached to the blade.

  8. Tat Wood Says:

    This shows a woman with four-foot-long thighs kneeling behind a man with one-foot-long shins. The cat anatomy is relatively straightforward.

  9. fred Says:

    If his life ever depended on putting his footwear on quickly he’s screwed.

  10. Anna T. Says:

    “Tristan, you’ve been sleepwalking and communing with the flea-ridden stable cat again. This is the sixth time in the past week I’ve been dragged out of bed because of you, and – why did you steal a prop sword from the players? What am I going to DO with you!?”

  11. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @TatWood—just about everything here is funhouse-mirror-crazy distorted, the more you look at it. Tristan’s got serious Buffalo Head Syndrome, his left leg is shorter than his right, I can’t even visualize how her legs work under that WTF garment (I think she might be a kneeling giant) and she also has the missing left arm phenomenon we see on so many covers. “Rowena” must be a feline, since, as you note, the cat is the only thing rendered more or less normally.

    I think she’s also got Wolverine spikes coming out of her knuckles.

  12. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Does he have a neckbeard?

  13. Tat Wood Says:

    Here ve see ze enrrraged Pantomime Princess Margaret https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0p-cY1XWN_Q

  14. GSS ex-noob Says:

    The sword isn’t lost, it’s right there! Unless by “lost”, they mean “lost to Prince Tristan, Most Noble of Kittehs, Rightful Heir to the Throne of Felinia”, who’s trying to get this buffoon to give it to him.

    @Tat and BC are correct, the cat is the only one with all limbs accounted for and in proportion. And isn’t wearing the drapes. His coloring’s a bit odd.

    @fred: I’m not entirely sure the cross garters or whatevs are really connected to his boots. He seems to have some straps over top of the boots, and then random loose strappage up his short shins.

    Mind you, I’m not sure he’s bright enough to dress himself anyway so it’s moot. Needs help from his giant Wolverine-clawed, oddly-bendy, did I mention the drapes-wearing friend.

    What’s to the right, behind Noble Sir Puss? Part of the Throne, with one tasteful cobweb? So, he’s found the Throne, he’s got the Sword, why stop and kneel/lean/dispense kitty treats? Get on with it, Tristan! Giant one-armed blue dress lady can’t lean there all day!

    His short legs and oversized head makes me think Tristan there is some kind of dwarf, while the lady having giant legs, missing an arm, and a glowy spiky hand suggests that they come from a land which suffered either Ebil Magick or radiation poisoning and fallout.

    (I’m also wondering what’s the deal with her clavicles.)

  15. DaveM Says:

    What in the name of Lao Tzu’s crucible is going on with the sleeves on the lady’s dress? I’m old enough to remember when Flares and the worst excesses of Disco were in style and even I think they’re ridiculously big at the cuffs!

    Also

    Him: “Look lady, you give a good neck massage, but I was promised a massage with a happy ending, if you know what I mean.”
    Her: “Are you saying my adorable little cat doesn’t make you happy? What sort of fiend are you sir!”

  16. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @GSS Chiropractor: I think she’s caught in a perpetual shrug.

    ‘D’you think the cat is trying to tell me somethin’, then?’

    ‘Meeeh.’

  17. DaveM Says:

    @DSWBT, “What’s that kitty? Timmy’s fallen down a well?”

  18. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    *****

    DECENT FOOD AWFUL ATMOSPHERE COBWEBS IN CORNERS WATER STAINS ON THE WALL PAPER SERVER WAS A CAT WIFE ATTACKED BY CURTAINS LOST SWORD WENT TO THE BATHROOM SAT ON THRONE DIED.

    👍 Helpful?

  19. A.R.Yngve Says:

    “To be [1], Tristan had to [2] on the throne. But without the lost [3], the throne was — [4]!”

    [1]
    a) King
    b) Relieved
    c) Lord of the Dance
    d) Speaker of the House

    [2]
    a) Sit
    b) Dump
    c) Dance
    d) Put Trump

    [3]
    a) Sword
    b) Decoder ring
    c) Red shoes
    d) Compromising photos from a Russian hotel suite

    [4]
    a) Death
    b) An embarrassment
    c) No fun
    d) Putin’s

  20. Iluvm Says:

    Don’t worry Tristan….you don’t have to give fake excuses for leaving us. We understand your Kingdom is your responsibility.

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