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Dec 19

Yell louder. Santa's workshop must be somewhere around here.Click for larger image

Everybody. Lean left!Click for larger image

Roast reindeer for Xmas dinner. Yum.Click for larger image

BONUS COVER:

Mrs Claus's stocking stuffer is a dick moveClick for larger image

Good Show Sir Comments: While dragging the Xmas decorations down from the attic we found our old stack of Argosy magazines. Have a happy holiday and we’ll see you in a couple weeks with our Old Year Sum Up!

1. In this issue. Pictures of Mrs No-Shirt McGee!

2. We’re safe. The guys will never break through these parkas.

3. Last year the kids saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. This year he’s locked and loaded.

4. Why cast a wizard spell when you can just shoot the bastard.

None more black!Click for larger image
Tweet Jane, GSS Admin and Tag Wizard bring a favourite
classic Dutch tradition of Santa Pope and Black Peter
to downtown London.
We drew quite a noisy crowd of fans!

Now let’s all sit back and enjoy a Star Wars Holiday Special!

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 8.11 out of 10)
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44 Responses to “Christmas Megapost 2019”

  1. THX 1139 Says:

    1: Sadly, No-Shirt McGee of the North is now known as No-Nipples McGee.

    2: “I don’t know why we’re laughing!”

    3: “Christmas by myself this year… eventually.”

    4: Could have been worse, could have been a Big Christmas Number 2 in that stocking.

    Compliments of the season to one and all. Now to ponder how much love Chewbacca had for his son to call him Lumpy.

  2. drlemaster Says:

    “Surely blackface is okay when it’s Black Peter. I mean, it’s right there in the name.”

  3. fred Says:

    Please Santa, ‘No-Shirt in Bikini-Land’ by BAEN.

  4. Tom Noir Says:

    Dutch Santa’s beard is on fleek!

  5. Francis Boyle Says:

    Dick “No-Pants” Blade > “No-Shirt” McGee.

  6. Tor Mented Says:

    No-Shirt McGee < No Shit Sherlock

  7. Bibliomancer Says:

    Black Peter > Pantsless Dick

  8. Tor Mented Says:

    But what if Pantless Dick = Black Peter?

  9. A.R.Yngve Says:

    Ah, the Star Wars Holiday Special… I remember being a very disappointed 8-year-old.

    I remember my reaction when Bea Arthur appeared: “What’s that angry-looking man doing in my Star Wars?”

  10. A.R.Yngve Says:

    And in hindsight, Carrie Fisher seems to have been stoned out of her mind at the time.

  11. Bruce A Munro Says:

    1. It’s a bit unclear – is No-Shirt [1] saving Christmas, or stealing it? “Putting something on ice” usually means delaying something.(Stopping yelling his name, folks – he’s behind you!)

    2. There’s something maniacal about the smile on the girl to the right, sort of “Soon. Soon all of you will pay!”

    3. Happiness is a warm gun.[2]

    4. Fortunately, Santa knows in advance who’s been really, really naughty and comes prepared.

    @drlemaster: as a European evil spirit serving Santa, it probably is thematically reasonable to cosplay Black Pete as someone with black skin and European features. Still, probably shouldn’t perform in Harlem.

    [1] “No-shirt” McGee – the only man tough enough to wear a scratchy sweater right against his skin!

    [2] “A Man’s Guide to Christmas” – remember folks, can’t be a man until you’ve shot something!

  12. JuanPaul Says:

    1. Shackleton, the Musical
    2. The poor kid doesn’t realize that he is the virgin sacrifice.
    3. “This gun will go nicely with the snow shoes I’ve never used, the fish I didn’t catch, and the pipe I’ve never lit.”
    4. I’ll ask again: you wanted a train set for Christmas, right?

    Dutch Santa: some traditions really need to die

  13. GSS ex-noob Says:

    GSS!

    Although it’s so manly, I fear it might have put hair on Tweet Jane’s chest.

    1. I really doubt No-Shirt McGee could whip the North. More likely the North whipped him. Or rather Popsicled him.

    Parka Lady is running away in horror after finding his frozen body. Parka Man is yelling, “Hey! Everybody come look at this fool who came outside with no shirt!”

    2. This is like on original Star Trek when everyone on the bridge had to fake turbulence. They look really cheerful, though; perhaps they’re doing the Seated Arctic Macarena.

    3. This makes me want to take a shower from the overwhelming toxic masculinity. Also, I’d like to ask for a “Smirky McSmug” for the man. That SOB is smugness personified. I will say that the artwork itself is really well-done.

    4. What is this I don’t even. Santa’s packing heat, because he knows people are out to get him? Is that the right weapon to take out the snake? I guess at that distance, it’s fine. What’s with Santa’s mustache and beard sticking out?

    Dutch Santa: No. Just no. Stop it. At least hire real black people. (Who’s the 4th person along with Admin, TW, and Jane?)

    SW Special: We kinda liked it at the time, being so desperate for any new SW content. And were too young to notice how stoned Carrie was. I bet this is why Harrison wanted to be killed off in TESB, so he’d never have to do that again. All hail whoever had enough money to own a VCR back then and recorded it.

    Taken out of context on its own, Bea Arthur’s song is pretty good. There’s no excuse for Chewie’s dad being a lech on a human, though. Ewww.

    GSS to @JP (esp. #1), and everyone in the X>Y run.

  14. Bruce A Munro Says:

    @GSS ex-noob: would that make Chewie’s dad a reverse furry?

  15. Ryan Says:

    3. The guy with the break-action shotgun reminds me of the character from Mad Magazine who always had a pipe. Can’t remember his name, though.

    The Black Petes are not a good look, but that Santa’s beard is OUTSTANDING.

    I remember my dad switching off the TV about twenty minutes into the Star Wars Holiday Special, and I wasn’t even upset because it was such a load of shinola, except for maybe the cartoon, which of course I didn’t see. We went outside and shoveled snow off the driveway, and that was a better use of our time.

    Merry Christmas, Happy Hogmanay, and a Good New Year!

  16. Raoul Says:

    @Ryan – Are you thinking of Dave Berg?

  17. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @Ryan—You may be thinking of the legendary
    J. R. ‘Bob’ Dobbs Head of the Church of the Sub-Genius.

  18. B. Chicltz Says:

    1. HEY!! HO!! ANYBODY!!! Who stole the rest of our Parkas? Those two back there are dressed in Arabian sailor’s outfits. They’ll freeze!

    2. Hah, they can yell all they want. They’ll never find their stupid parkas we stole!! Nyha-ha-haa!!

    3. Yesh shir, yesh indeedy . . .ol’ fat Santa’s gonna look reee-aa-ll good mounted up there above the fireplace next to the snowshoes (hic, urp).

    4. Don’t pretend you’re sleeping Mother Klaus. The one year I come home early, and with a present for you no less, I discover this lowdown snake sharing my Christmas bed. It’s curtains for you both, and I don’t mean under the tree!

    4.1 Why is Santa shooting the snake with a hot-water pistol? Snake seems taken aback, with what appears to be an exclamation mark coming out of his head.

  19. A.R.Yngve Says:

    The cover with the gun lover has a wonderful equivalent in this parody cover by MAD Magazine: “Passionate Gun Love”:
    https://www.madcoversite.com/features-magazines_within_mad_magazine.jpg

  20. JuanPaul Says:

    @AR. That is awesome

  21. Bibliomancer Says:

    1. No-Shoes, No-Shirt, No-Service McGee

    2. That’s a mighty Gale a-blowin’. And Gale’s friend too!

    3. A Unabomber Christmas

  22. GSS ex-noob Says:

    Have now seen the new Star Wars twice, and am well pleased. Also have had way too much popcorn, burp.

    @Bruce: Yes. I’m sure there’s a word for it, but I’m not about to search. Ewww.

    @ARY: Great, and spot-on. #4 eerily presaged Dick Cheney and friend.

    @B’man: snerk.

    Agree that Dutch Santa’s beard is amazing. Too bad it’s for that cause.

    Waiting on one more present to arrive and then holiday prep is complete.

  23. Raoul Says:

    @Tom Noir – Dutch Santa’s beard is on fleece!

  24. Francis Boyle Says:

    Dammit Tor, You’ve discovered the premise of my Dick Blade/blaxploitation mashup fanfiction “Dick Shaft”.

  25. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @Francis: bow chicka wow wow.

    @Raoul: GSS!

  26. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @Everybody—May you all have the most GSS of holidays. These posts are a balm and an elixir in these troubled times, and I am grateful for all of them, even the ones that accuse us of hating science fiction!

  27. Longtime_Lurker Says:

    What B. Chiclitz said @26. This is still one of the best places on the net.

  28. GSS ex-noob Says:

    Agreed with BC. This is a wonderful place, full of good people, wit, fellowship, and often LOL-provoking.

    The ones that accuse us of hating SF are often the funniest. Especially the ones who get so butt-hurt that they manage to be crankier than Harlan was upon finding us, with much less reason. Or talent.

  29. B. Chiclitz Says:

    Harlan’s last, unfinished piece was a homage to Santa entitled I Have No Elf and I Must Wrap! I hope it sees posthumous publication someday.

  30. Bibliomancer Says:

    @BC – Repent Sinterklaas said the Weinachtmann

  31. Tor Mented Says:

    What Longtime_Lurker said, which was “What B. Chiclitz said.”

  32. Hammy Says:

    I agree with [email protected] and those following.

    Happy, Merry or whatever to all GSSers. May you have a New Year filled with comment-worthy covers!

  33. drlemaster Says:

    @Bruce

    I have heard Black Peter discribed as anything from “an African slave owned by Santa” to “basicially Christmas Nyarlathotep.” I have no idea how to do the math on all that, but I think I’d personally steer clear of that particular cosplay all the same.

  34. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @drlemaster: Neither of those sounds like a thing I’d want to be or a thing Santa and children should associate with.

    ISTM Santa and his on fleek beard could still arrive with all the same pomp and circumstance by himself. Or the assistants could wear the same outfits sans blackface. They could all have black hair, keeping the old name.

  35. Bruce A Munro Says:

    @drlemaster: probably sensible, but I would read the heck out of a story starring Christmas Nyarlathotep. Oh, what gifts He will bring…

  36. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @Bruce: I once read an erotic short story featuring Krampus.

    A friend who normally writes NYT best-selling lit’rary novels wrote it.

    It wasn’t my thing, but I did prefer it to her last novel…

  37. Bruce A Munro Says:

    @GSS ex-noob: and now you have killed my appetite for any Krampus/Black Pete related fiction. Well done – might I even say good show?

  38. JuanPaul Says:

    Another Christmas and another year that my wife didn’t by me the pipe and shotgun I asked for. I feel so emasculated.

  39. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @JP: I’m thinking the guy illustrated bought his own firearms. He looooves that shotgun. He’s got to be married or the house wouldn’t be that tidy, but otherwise dude is an ammosexual.

    With his need to display so many phallic symbols, I’m guessing the Mrs. has plenty of time to clean and decorate and other non-bedroom activities.

    @Bruce: Thank you?

    @ARY back at #10: did you ever see the “Beach Blanket” style parody they did of that when Carrie hosted SNL? Featuring the immortal line “I’m Princess Leia and these are my breasts!”

  40. Tat Wood Says:

    Does Black Peter show you how to make a Kwaanzaa Advent Crown with wire coathangers, flame-retardant tinsel and bottle-tops?

  41. GSS ex-noob Says:

    I’ve been wondering about the story listed at the top of cover #1. “Bretwalda, the Magic Axe”? WTF? Not sure how one gets a “Stirring Novelet” out of that. Maybe someone uses the axe to stir a big batch of wassail. And why is it named “King”?

    Hey, maybe that IS No-Shirt McGee on the cover. His name doesn’t preclude the wearing of parkas, after all.

    @Tat: heh!

    @Bruce: I’m sorry?

  42. Ryan Says:

    @GSS ex-noob: The story of Bretwalda, the Magic Axe concerns a teutonic electric guitar that roams the earth, bringing cheer, goodwill and heavy metal licks to all the good little boys and girls.

  43. Bruce A Munro Says:

    @GSS ex-noob: no need to apologize. It’s all good.

    Re the Magic Axe, Lawrence Watt-Evans managed to get a full novel about a “Misenchanted Sword”, [1] so I suppose there’s a market for inconvenient magic weapon stories.

    [1] Cover! https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1402415561l/504126.jpg

  44. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @Bruce: I know, I was just wondering how one would answer that. Another option is “You’re welcome?”

    That cover you found is almost worthy of here. Got wizaaard, beard-wielding, sword…

    I recall a story about a sword which could transport the woman who owned it, as long as she sung Beach Boys songs. I think it was in one of the Chicks in Chainmail books.

    @Ryan: Truly heartwarming! Nothing says Christmas like Norwegian Death Metal.

    That’s a story I’d read. And watch the holiday special of, which would of course have its own soundtrack album. There are a lot of Xmas metal songs. You could wear this:
    https://shop.rammstein.de/en/catalog/whats-new/christmas-pullover-rammstein.html

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