Aug 22
Vincent’s Art Direction: So, put an enormous crab on the cover. And, what the hey, give him a knife. No, make it a dagger. Right, then have the sacrificial victim be a young woman lying beneath the knife….perfect, that’s it!
Published 1989
August 22nd, 2011 at 8:49 am
They don’t use their claws? interesting….
August 22nd, 2011 at 9:21 am
“They’re here to kill!” but forgot to bring any weapons. Wait until they find a bow and arrow.
August 22nd, 2011 at 9:22 am
I usually think of a different subtitle when I hear “Crabs”.
I’d actually like to read this, but only if it describes the eating of crabs in delicious, buttery detail. Just think how tasty that big claw on the cover is.
August 22nd, 2011 at 10:02 am
“THIS is for seafood restaurants!”
August 22nd, 2011 at 10:02 am
No, this doesn’t work for me. I will never, ever fear monsters who don’t have opposable thumbs.
August 22nd, 2011 at 10:54 am
That’s one amenable lady. You can run away you know, they only walk sideways.
August 22nd, 2011 at 2:02 pm
I love everything about this cover!
Perhaps the best part is the subtitle, which implies that CRABS: The Human Sacrifice is only one part of an ongoing CRABS series! Other entries might include: CRABS: Revenge of the Lobsters, CRABS: Now They’re Using Scissors, CRABS: Forbidden Romance and CRABS 2: Electric Boogaloo.
August 22nd, 2011 at 4:03 pm
What an inventive crustacean. Any other would have relied solely on the immense crushy/pinchy power of the claw, but not this magnificent specimen: he knows the awesome energy of TING!
August 22nd, 2011 at 4:04 pm
Note to art dept: keep this artwork in reserve for future re-issues of Gene Wolfe’s THE CLAW OF THE CONCILIATOR.
August 22nd, 2011 at 4:48 pm
@Tom Noir: Guy N. Smith built a whole career on books about crabs! No, he’s not a doctor.
August 22nd, 2011 at 6:43 pm
Wonder if that giant crab from “Mysterious Island” is involved somehow.
August 22nd, 2011 at 9:22 pm
Come on, people, you’re missing the obvious phallic symbol and sexually transmitted stuff here. The knife, the woman laying in the missionary waiting to be penetrated, a giant crab….
Obviously this is really the biography of Laura Bell.
August 23rd, 2011 at 10:39 am
There is too many levels of genius with this book to take in at once.
BUT maybe we have got it all wrong. Maybe the women is in trouble and about to starve. And the crab is like, “PREPARE THE CRUSTY BREAD AND BUTTER!”
August 24th, 2011 at 12:52 am
Guy N. Smith has written a LOT of books about crabs and they all have titles that are delicious…as delicious as their main characters, dipped in melted butter and hot sauce!
KILLER CRABS
NIGHT OF THE CRABS
CRABS UNLEASHED
THE ORIGIN OF THE CRABS
CRABS ON THE RAMPAGE
CRABS’ MOON
CRABS’ ARMADA
CRABS’ FURY
Just to prove he is a genius with titles, he also wrote books called THE SUCKING PIT, THE PONY RIDERS (“They ride….ponies!”) and SATAN’S SNOWDROP. Also: MOLES AND THEIR CONTROL and SPORTING AND WORKING DOGS.
August 24th, 2011 at 1:57 am
A clever person does not leave an angry voice message on the answering machine of the person they think gave them crabs. A clever person trains those crabs to fight, then sends them to assassinate the person they think gave them crabs.
August 24th, 2011 at 1:46 pm
@Grady Hendrix: Wasn’t there a punk band in the late seventies called MOLE CONTROL?
August 24th, 2011 at 8:33 pm
I think it was called CONTROLLER OF MOLES. Or was that a sci fi book series in the late 70’s?
August 26th, 2011 at 3:11 pm
I have a feeling there is another person here who reads this site and Conjugal Felicity, for at about the same time that CF started sporking (like MST3K, but for books!) this book, its cover appeared here…
CF just finished the treatment; I encourage all to go endure, uh, experience it themselves:
http://conjugalfelicity.com/crabs-the-human-sacrifice/
September 2nd, 2011 at 7:33 pm
I think the title is meant to convey the emotional hardships that come with having crabs. The title should be read as “Crabs: The result of our overwhelming urges!” And the blurb at the bottom should be read as “The sea can’t wash them away. We can’t stop them. They’re here to kill!”…This is clearly a message meant to reach out to the young generation, where sexual promiscuity has become rampant….Or, I could be totally off the mark and this is simply about giant killer crabs that go after sleeping maidens with sword in hand….err claw.
October 3rd, 2011 at 3:26 pm
Is Guy N. Smith a nom-de-plume of Garth Marenghi? http://www.garthmarenghi.com/books/crab.htm
May 11th, 2013 at 1:15 am
@Tag Wizard: This cover calls for the ‘crabs’ tag! In a clattering, inhuman voice, mind.
May 11th, 2013 at 10:39 am
Indeed! Why should “The Wazir and the Witch” get the “giant enemy crab” tag, when this book– the entire *point* of which seems to be the existence of large, antagonistic crustaceans– misses out? It’s discrimination, I tell you!
May 11th, 2013 at 11:54 am
CRABS!
May 11th, 2013 at 12:28 pm
Ah! Much better!
May 11th, 2013 at 1:11 pm
CRABS: A RHEUMATIC FINCHES
CRABS: RHENIUM CAECA SHIFT
CRABS: INFUSE A MIRTH CACHE
CRABS: A MECHANIC TUSH FIRE
CRABS: HIRE A FUN CATECHISM
CRABS: A CATCHIER FINE MUSH
CRABS: HUE A MISFIT CHANCRE
CRABS…UH…A CERAMIC FISHNET
CRABS: A FRANCHISEE CUM HIT
CRABS: INTERFACE AHI CHUMS
CRABS: IF URCHINS, A MACHETE
CRABS: A FIRM CHI CHANTEUSE
May 11th, 2013 at 3:19 pm
List at #14 needs updating: Mr Smith has since published “Killer Crabs: The Return”.
May 11th, 2013 at 8:15 pm
The sea can’t hold them.
We can’t stop them.
They’re here to kill
Guy N. Smith
I’m not sure we should even warn him. Justifiable homicide, I think.
May 12th, 2013 at 1:40 am
I just read this book. Had to find out, good lord what was I thinking?! Of course it was horrid! What else would it be? Never, never, NEVER feel like you must ‘see if it’s all that bad’. Aaacckk! I feel like my skull has been stuffed with rancid haggis.
May 12th, 2013 at 5:24 am
And how many books about giant killer crabs have *you* had published, may I ask? Frankly, if the answer’s less than “nine”, I don’t see how you can presume to criticise Guy N. Smith, the master of deadly crustacean fiction.
May 12th, 2013 at 3:38 pm
Well… he has you there Fear!
I mean you had that book about talking dogs… and the one about the killer pineapple with a grudge against liberalism.
But he’s right… when it comes to crustacean fiction… Guy is the man!
😉
May 12th, 2013 at 3:59 pm
It will probably sell quite well.
May 13th, 2013 at 5:56 am
Besides, in the states she has nipples.
So does the crab.
May 13th, 2013 at 4:44 pm
Plus the crab has a fork in the other claw. Much more realistic that way.
May 13th, 2013 at 5:06 pm
With a smaller title font Dell could have squeezed Guy Smith’s author’s name on the front cover. Unless Smith is too embarrassed by his Crab Ouvre to want his name anymore on the books he churns out.
May 18th, 2013 at 11:04 pm
Giant enemy crab? Don’t forget to attack its weak point, for massive damage!
May 18th, 2013 at 11:11 pm
That’s right, I heard that this book cover is based on battles which actually took place in feudal Japan.
June 18th, 2015 at 12:13 pm
Jesus on Mars, that’s an awful cover!
June 20th, 2015 at 9:32 am
Crabs: The one night stand
January 9th, 2017 at 3:59 am
Ooh, CF’s sporking led me to the author’s Wiki page, which states that this guy was the inspiration for Garth Marenghi! Which, having read the sporking, I absolutely believe.
(darkplace, darkplace)