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Jun 22

Ok dance team... this is our time to shine!Click for full image

MisterBOB’s Art Direction: One hot chick with boobs on show and her two angry brothers.
Published 1987

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 7.06 out of 10)
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46 Responses to “For Crown and Kingdom”

  1. Jaouad Says:

    “Robert E. Vardeman And Geo. W. Proctor” is quite a long name for a bestselling author. Or is that the name of the Cenotaph Road Series, and is the author actually “For Crown And Kingdom”?

    I’m being silly, of course. Just trying to work out why the guys are in (something resembling) period costume, while she’s dressed like a disco queen.

    Also, if this is the sixth book, can it still be a new series?

  2. Wes Says:

    god they look more like rejects from Adam & the Ants than adventuring heroes. Their idea of practical battle armour is to wear sturdy leather around the waist, and silks everywhere else?!

  3. THX 1138 Says:

    “For Crown and Kingdom: The New Album from Lita Ford!”

  4. Alessandra Kelley Says:

    Hey, it’s my first Dungeons and Dragons adventuring party!l

    The dudes aren’t any more period-dressed than the chick. They’re all wearing big leather corset-belts over generic tight pants and loose shirts. And check out the guy on the right. That’s either a turtleneck or an ascot tie, and he gets weirdly willowy and anatomy-free from the waist down.

    Those swords are really thin and fragile-looking. They probably shouldn’t be grabbing the blades like that. And speaking of thin and fragile-looking, what’s with that tiny, thin little haft on the great big axe which is either hanging awkwardly on or leaning precariously against the guy on the left?

  5. Tom Noir Says:

    Dude on the left is ticked off because everyone got a sword but him.

  6. Phil Says:

    One-eyed beardy bloke is saying, “Watch what you’re doing with that sword, you could have someone ELSE’s eye out!”

  7. Rachel J Says:

    Those costumes look a lot like they’ve been randomly assembled out of cast-offs, don’t they?

  8. Jon Says:

    I originally read the title as “For CLOWN and Kingdom.”

    It would have been more accurate that way.

  9. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Two out of three adventurers in the Kingdom have learned proper sword etiquette at…

    BOB AND GEO’S FUNTIME SWORD ACADEMY!

    Located just minutes away in downtown Raemllyn, past the arch and next to Walls ‘R’ We. BYO superfluous upper arm wrap and get £5 your first hour!

  10. SI Says:

    The way that guy is carrying that axe can never end in anything but tears! He’s going to bend down to tie his shoelaces and something is going to get cut off!

  11. fred Says:

    Just glancing at this cover tells me the series should have been titled Belts of Raemllyn.

  12. Alessandra Kelley Says:

    In the interests of fairness, here is the same sort of silliness from yours truly — yes, ME, at the same time this book was being published.

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/lizhenry/3175744207/

    (Actually I could not believe that this was actually online — my husband (then boyfriend) wrote up an indie roleplaying system in college in 1987 and I did the illustrations — and somebody out there has heard of it!

    The game system was way better than my illustrations.)

  13. THX 1138 Says:

    @Alessandra: It’s OK, but needs more studded leather.

  14. Book Wench Says:

    There’s kind of something for everyone in this trio

  15. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @Alessandra: it’s hard to tell from the picture. Is the trio flying, or are they all quite, quite tall?

  16. Alessandra Kelley Says:

    @Dead Stuff: they’re meant to be flying over a fantasyish cityscape. I had a great deal of artistic ambition when I was young, but not so much training or common sense.

    For instance, the reason the reproduction is so faint is I drew the images in ballpoint pen. Seriously.

  17. Smith Says:

    Maybe they’re all wearing those belts cos they’ve got bad backs.

    Or they’re at a fancy dress weightlifter’s party.

  18. Adam Roberts Says:

    ‘By day, she was a mild mannered office worker, but when called upon to fight Fantasy Crime she became … DISLOCATED LEFT-SHOULDER GIRL!’

  19. Muttley Says:

    Neither of the sword-wielders is wearing a scabbard, so I guess they must just use them as walking sticks between fights?

    I note the use of a glove on the left hand, so that the sword blade can be held for double-duty to block a blow.

    As for the unfeasibly large axe – – –

    No, I’m sorry, its all carp. Carp, I say. Deep-fried.

  20. Infoqueen Says:

    It’s all fun and games until somebody loses an eye…

  21. hestia Says:

    One hot chick with boobs on show and…the chick’s showing some cleavage, too.

  22. A.R.Yngve Says:

    This cover is comedy gold — the puns are great! 😀

  23. A.R.Yngve Says:

    So THAT is what became of Baby Spice’s career.

  24. A.R.Yngve Says:

    Come on, Vogue!
    Let your rapiers move to the music!…

  25. A.R.Yngve Says:

    Not to be a nitpicker here… but if it’s the *sixth* volume, then it’s hardly the “new” fantasy series is it?

  26. A.R.Yngve Says:

    And if someone’s already pointed that out, then it’s hardly a “new” comment is it?

  27. A.R.Yngve Says:

    One amazing feat is how the editor managed to cram in all that text on the cover without actually telling you ANYTHING ABOUT ITS CONTENT.

  28. Hep C Says:

    Very thoughtful on behalf of the artist to paint a glove on their left hands. Because it looks like those guys have no idea what to do with a sword, and things would end up in a disaster.

    Too bad he couldn’t think of something to do about the free-standing axe. Hmm, maybe that’s the reason they have no feet, actually.

  29. NGpm Says:

    Polo Pony Ascot Boy looks positively constipated. This is a cover that says, “Barely covered naughty bits sell books!”

  30. Anti-Sceptic Says:

    Bearded Guy: Hey Ed, she’s doing it again.
    Ed: Just don’t pay attention to her and maybe she’ll stop.
    Girl: When are these guys gonna comment on my new blue top!

  31. Tom Noir Says:

    I’d forgotten about this one. It’s Pirate Jazzercise!

  32. Tag Wizard Says:

    Quite possibly because I’m certifiably illiterate, but I was sure this was part of the “Pirates of Fraemllyn” series.

    I’m OK with them being Welsh.

  33. anon Says:

    “How much for this sword, ladies and gentlemen? Do I hear 200?”

  34. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    There are some FRIGHTFUL kerning issues with ‘Vardeman’ and…er…the entire title.

    @TW: Since that’s probably Lijena Farleigh (holding Kwerin Bloodhawk), I’m thinking you might be half right. But, if those are Prince Felrad and Zarek Yannis, could the others be Mediterranean?

  35. anon Says:

    They seem to be a tad late. The kingdom is already in ruins.

  36. Tat Wood Says:

    None of these people would be able to run without embarrassment or acute injury,. Possibly both.

  37. fred Says:

    If they aren’t collectively dressed in the colors of the battle standard of Raemllyn I’ll eat one of those belts.

  38. Elvraie Says:

    All-Mighty Cheese!

  39. Bibliomancer Says:

    We call ourselves “The Gay Blades”!

  40. Michael Toland Says:

    Ah, the 80s.

  41. JuanPaul Says:

    I want to open a bar that has murals like this painted all over the walls.

  42. B. Chiclitz Says:

    I can’t tell if Big Red has a shiny lower lip or some serious overbite issues. At any rate, I wish I had forearms like like that. And I just realized that she’s standing in that ridiculous pose because the giant axe is biting into her left hip. This cover, and this thread, are luxuriant to wallow in, what a beautiful waste of time! Thanks, GSS!!

  43. Yoss Says:

    I’m going to assume those are spare teat shields hanging from her belt for when it’s too hot to wear that disco shirt.

  44. fred Says:

    Smart tactics fighting with the rising sun at your back. This cover wasn’t a total waste of ink, imparting martial wisdom which someday may save your life.

  45. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @fred—Not sure but I think that may be a setting sun. Not nearly the same tactical value on the battlefield.

    “Have at them!”
    “Who?”
    “The enemy. Have at them.”
    “Where are they? It’s getting dark!”
    “Check out my boobs then.”
    “Where are they? It’s getting dark, and that’s my bad eye side.”

  46. GSS ex-noob Says:

    I’m worried about Big Red’s arms and maybe his chest. I read a story on the BBC today about a dachshund who inflated itself to giant size, and I think the same may have happened to him.

    http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-manchester-44317812

    Maybe the pointy bit on the axe will deflate him.

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