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Jul 01

It's a slimy way to ride... but it gets you there!Click for full image

Erica’s Art Direction: Weird sea horse creature. Check. Scary-looking sword. Check. Hot warrior woman. Check. Leather Vest. Check. Pants. Uh, what? You wanted me to draw pants?
Published 2005

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 8.12 out of 10)
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26 Responses to “The Aware”

  1. Adam Roberts Says:

    The end of her fishing rod seems to be dissolving in glitter. She’ll never catch anything that way.

  2. THX 1138 Says:

    Brings tears to the eyes just looking at it. Not even a saddle.

  3. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Basically Yukito Kishiro’s Ruliya riding on a seahorse instead of an orca.

  4. Bibliomancer Says:

    “Witty, gritty … hello kitty … itty, bitty, titty … cover’s pretty shitty …”
    — J.R.R. “Doc” Asimov, author of How to Pick Up Xena Chicks at Comi-con

  5. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    The original cover art was at least in better taste. Although I can’t tell if ‘Gorthian Spit’ is a place or the stuff that’s running over the floor in the taproom.

  6. Rachel J Says:

    In all seriousness, Dead Stuff, I don’t think it’s possible to tell what anything mentioned in the article is– unless, of course, you’ve already read the book. Good show, indeed!

  7. Rachel J Says:

    Also– “Blaze Halfbreed”?? “Flame Windrider”????

    I believe this is almost positive proof that fantasy writers really are using those online name generators.

  8. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @Rachel J—
    Her name was Lyssal
    And she called herself Blaze
    But everyone knew her as Nancy

  9. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @Bibliomancer—
    Witty griitty and enthralling
    I should also note, appalling.

  10. Bibliomancer Says:

    @B. Chiclitz — Blame Windbreaker, her real name was Lysol, a Castlemaid, cleaning up in the supermarket Aisles of Glory.

  11. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @Bibliomancer—
    “Windbreaker,” first name “Silentbutdeadly,” right? A Welsh name, I think, in keeping with the sword and sorcery crap (as it were).

    “Oh Stemwinder, Morthred has turned all the elven motrocks into fleas! We must wait through the 100-year cycle of Wilmott the Knish-god so that the crystal flowers can be eaten in their time and transform us into molten energy balls with which to storm the Castle keep.”

    I don’t think they use random generators just for names in this genre; I think they use it for plots too.

  12. Tom Noir Says:

    Another tragic victim of shrunken torso symptom. When will our elected officials start paying attention to this epidemic?!?

  13. Phil Says:

    Riding on a seahorse… excellent choice if you are playing water polo.

  14. FeàrofMusıc Says:

    As much as I look, all I can think is ‘severe inner thigh abrasions’. Plus salt water equals ouch! Ouch! Ouch!

    Unless she has developed riding calluses. On her inner thighs.
    Ewwwww..

  15. Rachel J Says:

    @Feàr. No doubt the discomfort helps Blade Halfdressed stay Aware.

    It’s very important. After all, without Awareness, she– in her own words– “wouldn’t have noticed a thing”. Which does sound very likely.

  16. fred Says:

    Holding a stabby sword like it’s a slicey sword? ‘Farewell and adieu to you fair pants less lady, farewell and adieu to lady sans pants, for you will fight someone who knows what he’s doing, and never more will we see you again.’

  17. random Donna Says:

    No matter how fiercely you scowl and brandish a weapon, you cannot look intimidating while riding on a rainbow-winged sea-horse. Trust me, I’ve tried.

  18. Ae7flux Says:

    My God! The Tings! They’re breeding!

  19. Tat Wood Says:

    It looks to me as if she and her seahorse are rising out of a giant cream-cake. Or a normal-sized one, with a normal-sized seahorse and a teeny tiny Xena.

  20. Rags Says:

    What is the sword for exactly? For duels while half submerged in water?? She is going to slice into her seahorsey mount if she tries.

  21. Stevie T Says:

    @Dead Stuff and Rachel J:

    I loved the Wikipedia editorial on the article:

    “This article provides insufficient context for those unfamiliar with the subject. Please help improve the article with a good introductory style. (October 2009)”

    Maybe this was commentary on the book itself.

    I am also amused by the fact that no-one has bothered to fix it since 2009.

  22. Rachel J Says:

    @Stevie T. Yes, it looks like we’ll all have to go to our graves not knowing what “dunmagic” and “sylvtalent” mean, or what a “Menod Patriach Aware Stragglerman” is. Or whether the latter is substantially different from, say, an Aware Stragglerman Patriach Menod, or a Patriarch Straggler Menod Awareman.

    Very sad.

  23. rev Says:

    She must get so tired pedalling that thing. And hot too. No wonder she removed her pants. I bet it has a pommel.

  24. A.R.Yngve Says:

    The JUST BARELY Aware

  25. anon Says:

    @rev: Just look at the drag!

  26. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Ahoy there me mateys! This book was part of the Maine book haul. I had never heard of the author or this book. Apparently this author is Australian. Hooray for non-US authors! The lovely cover is what drew me in:I mean seriously – a kick-ass woman holding a giant sword and riding on a pearlescent sea creature for only 25¢. I had to have it.

    I have now officially lost faith in user-generated content.

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