Good Show Sir

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Matt’s Art Direction: Fabric! I want to see lots of fabric. And hands, lots of dramatically posed hands. And least one bare breast, only you’ll have to conceal the nipple with something. How about a cross?
Published 1994

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Don’s Art Direction: Sorry, we can’t afford live models for this one.  You’ll have to make do with the, “Barbarian Barbie & Ken With Stunned Horse” play-set.
Published 1991

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Don Comments: OK, we’ve seen tons of perms and oodles of mullets on these covers – but I do believe this is the first permed mullet.  (Pullet?) Assuming that’s the eponymous Bard whose Tale this is, he’s apparently not the brightest light in the harbor, since he a) agreed to accompany his hairdresser on a thieving expedition from an albino lizard-man (do such things EVER end well?) and b) misunderstood her when she said she wanted him along to carry the loot.
Published 1993

Many thanks to the Don!

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A collection of fantasy stories? Well I know what they’ll want. A huge barbarian with a ponytail swinging his axe at randomly placed wood. Hmm, you’re right, needs thickened out. Throw a stereotype wizard/fireball combination in there and some damsel with a sword.

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Gwad Darn it, we know from experience realism sells! If you haven’t got some models to pose for you in costume it’s just not going to sell. We’ll grab their attention with a kid hiding behind a sword fighters cape. Then we can make it shiny…

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Now calm down, you heard me correctly. An angry lizard carrying a magical globe on its back which shows a picture of a Victorian lady. A man, with a wolf’s head I might add, stands peering in to the globe has his hand reaches towards it. What’s so strange about that eh?

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The shine! We are all about the shine. But we’re lacking somewhere, there is just something we need to push the readers right over the edge and into the pit of greatness. Got it! Half naked faeries and royal elves. Making one of them look like an Elizabethan queen will drive all the boys craze-Z!

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As we all know around this table.  There comes a time in every mans life when he just has to, pick up a flute and shake his ass at a redheaded troll figure. So if we have that on there with the troll pointing and shouting angrily at the dudes bottom. Is he jealous? Is he pointing out the guys ass shaking might destroy the fabric of reality? We’ll let the viewer decide.

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Well I want a red headed women talking to a camp looking dragon while she shows a bit of leg. Andre.. stop laughing! It’s not like your covers are any better! Jeeeezz… Ah F it.. just put a well built guy laughing his ass off in the background. That can be you Andre…you knob.

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Picture this – A well built guy (and I mean Muscles From Brussels material) showing off his golden helmet, wearing his skimpy purple briefs, holding a long hard wooden spear… and riding on top of his large pink dragon. What do you mean that’s what the Internet is for?