Jun 14

New Age Cupid is pissedClick for larger image

Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Comments: Hey, lady, you’ve got something in your mouth…no, other side.

Published 2016

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 4.76 out of 10)

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22 Responses to “Archangel’s Heart”

  1. SI Says:

    Never before published eh…. is that a selling point these days?

  2. Bibliomancer Says:

    Author of Archangel’s Enema
    … where are my reading glasses …

  3. fred Says:

    Christopher Walken. Best Archangel ever?
    I wonder where her cute little devil with a pitchfork tattoo is.

  4. THX 1138 Says:

    Man, they look heavy. She should be crawling.

  5. JuanPaul Says:

    She must have never heard that quote, “one martini is alright, two are too many…”

  6. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @THX 1138—I think she’s struggling because that thigh strap looks really tight. Probably cutting off blood flow to the wings.

  7. B. Chiclitz Says:

    It’s a shame to see some people still practicing guild hunting. After all, they are an endangered species.

  8. DaveM Says:

    So, a zombie Billie Piper armed with a crossbow, whatever that is so tightly strapped to her leg, and whatever those are on her arms. And she either hunts guilds (as per @B. Chiclitz), or is part of a guild of hunters (or maybe BOTH!)
    Meh, I’m underwhelmed (I have an unusually high whelming point).

    However, “never before published”, now that gets my attention! Why was this never before published? What dark secrets and forbidden thoughts are hidden in the text? That almost makes me want to read the book! But still not quite.

  9. A.R.Yngve Says:

    “First printing on actual paper!”
    “Never before sold in bookstores!”
    “Never before written by any author!”

  10. JuanPaul Says:

    @SI maybe the republishing of some crappy novel under a different name is a common hazard that readers of crappy novels face.

  11. Anna T. Says:

    @DaveM: She’s got knives strapped to her arms and legs. And the ones on her arms, I must say, are in a mighty awkward position for being drawn.

    So, what we have here is an angelic lass in an evening gown wearing knives strapped to her arms and one strapped to her leg. The ones strapped to her arms have their handles facing towards her elbows, also known as the angle from which they can’t possibly be drawn quickly in a combat situation. She also carries in her left hand a revolver-crossbow-thingy. Unfortunately, given that her fingers appear to have been amputated, she can’t use it in that hand.

    And despite all this, she attempts to strike a sexy and/or intimidating pose, which is ruined by her hair blowing across her face in an all-too-realistic way.

    Did I miss anything?

  12. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @Anna T: she’s in an exploding cathedral, natch.

  13. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @Anna T.—she uses the crossbow-revolver to shoot an arrow into the knife handle which then gives her a lever she can just manage to grab with her mutilated hand in order to unsheathe the knife, switch it over to the unmutilated hand, toss back her hair, and be ready for danger.

    I am thinking this is why it was never published before

  14. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @BC: you make an excellent point. 🙂

    Someone with more knowledge of women’s fashion than I, wouldn’t you get rather cold flying through the skies on your mighty wings with that frock?

  15. Hammy Says:

    “Guild Hunter”? Is that anything like “union buster”?

  16. GSS ex-noob Says:

    This is really not bad enough for here. It’s just “meh” bad, not painfully so.

    @DS: fabric looks pretty stretchy. I’d guess it snaps to around the wing bases. Or maybe she just uses the same magic that keeps her able to support those giant wings. And the magic that keeps her long hair tangle-free after flying. And the magic that lets her bend her elbows with the knives strapped where they are. I’d be more worried about the skirt flapping about in the breeze ruining the ability to grab whatever weapon it is on her leg, but magic? But if she’s magic, then why does she need weapons?

    Fashion-wise, I might kind of like to see a simple belt with that, but she’d probably just hang more weapons on it and look more Batman than Angelwoman.

    Romance novels often get new covers and new titles. Since a series often has titles that are confusingly similar, the “never before” lets you know this is a new one in the “Archangel’s Noun” series. At least while it’s actually new and you’re in a physical bookstore.

    I do like that her top and bottom halves are in proportion, and she didn’t have her abdomen surgically removed.

  17. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @JuanPaul (10), @GSSxn—yes, but aren’t you both assuming that readers of these novels can actually tell one from another?

  18. A.R.Yngve Says:

    To be honest, I have a soft spot for this cheesy kind of artwork — it’s the “Never Before Published” that ruins it for me.

  19. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    I sent it in because individual parts–the correct proportions of the model, the details on the wings, the Dutch angle, the font–aren’t bad. Somehow, though, the whole thing doesn’t right come together.

  20. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @BC: Thus the Never Before sign. Otherwise the faithful readers wouldn’t know when they walked into the bookstore and saw the endcaps or special displays. I suspect the covers all look similar. Whether they can tell the plots apart, I dunno.

    “Never Before Published” is so bog-standard for series in every genre (SF, F, mystery, romance) that I didn’t even notice it. The hair and the oddly-placed arm knives were where I went WTF.

  21. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @fred: Christopher Walken is arguably the best at whatever to which he sets his mind. Archangel, choreographer, jewellery cabinet…

  22. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @DSWBT: and don’t forget The Continental.

    I cocked my head sideways to straighten up the Dutch angle, and I think her wings are on crooked, from where they come out of or fasten to her back. They seem to be leaning the opposite way from her body. Are they on some sort of swivel back there, with a few degrees of play?

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