Oct 20

Mike Mars needs no pronouns

Good Show Sir comments: Mike Mars Blows Shit Up

Thanks to Ryan for sending this in!

Published 1983

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 5.44 out of 10)

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18 Responses to “Mike Mars and the Mystery Satellite”

  1. Tat Wood Says:

    The recoil from his pigeon-bazooka will send Mike backwards, crashing into whatever the Gemini’s docking with and doing a better job of sabotage than the filthy commies.

    Mind you, the whizz-lines and blue sky suggest that they’re all re-entering the atmosphere so only that big exploding egg has a chance of surviving.

  2. fred Says:

    A whole lot of bland covers in this series, domestic and foreign, though I like some of the German covers for their art style. He does get to shoot at those damn Commie bastards.

  3. Bibliomancer Says:

    His diaper is full

  4. Tracy Says:

    Mick Mars’ elder brother. He preferred aerospace to heavy metal music.

  5. Ryan Says:

    Mike U+2642 dances with danger by waiting until the Mystery Satellite gets within a 25-yard range before firing his Space RPG.

    Even in the future, women still live longer than men. Valerie U+2640 would have hit that bad boy on its away trajectory.

  6. Francis Boyle Says:

    It’s good that Mike is wearing his camouflage. It will help him go undetected.

  7. GSS ex-noob Says:

    First off, I must complain about the dating. I looked at the art style and price and both made me thin 1963, not 1983. Not to mention Mike’s spaceship is a Gemini. ISFDB concurs.

    What’s other dude in the Gemini doing to fight the Commie bastards? Or is he docking with whatever it is, climbing in, and hoping it’ll survive the fall?

    @Tat: Either in space or about to burn up in the atmosphere, agreed that his bazooka is going to rocket him away. Which is liable to spoil his aim. And the ‘splosions appear to be taking place in atmo.

    @fred: The German ones are certainly more colorful. Although this one seems to say “Astronaut Mike Mars” und then that Herr Wollheim is the one mit der mystery satellite. I think all the German ones are like that. And no numbers either.

    @Ryan: Valerie might also have had the sense to anchor herself to the Gemini, rather than floating free and yeeting herself away from the ship. Mike doesn’t even have a tether to the ship! Valerie would have tied down, jammed her feet into the superstructure, and then shot. Might have been hard on her ankles, but the ship would absorb the bazooka recoil.

  8. Bruce A Munro Says:

    Mike Mars isn’t going to let zero gravity push _him_ around. None of those undignified “floating about” postures; Mike Mars is going to travel through space as if he was standing on a level surface, like God intended.

  9. Emster Says:

    Was not surprised at the “exciting” titles @fred linked in, perhaps #8 German title Flug Zum Mond, could (very loosely with a lot of imagination) be translated as: Hurtling – zoom, around the Moon! (anyone who actually speaks German cringing at my attempt…)

    I’m seeing other spin offs here…
    Monty Mercury and the Missing Uranium – Can Monty find Dr. Prickly’s secret lair in time to stop a madman’s war?
    Valerie Venus and the Vexing Asteroid – Can Val convince Bruce to come out of retirement and save the planet?

    Safety warning – before clicking on @Francis’ link, put yer tea down. In future, every time I see someone wearing “fashion cammo” I’m gonna start giggling and Mr. E will think I’m going mad… again…

  10. Hammy Says:

    Hm. I’m not sure what to think of this one.

    Mike MarsBar seems to be moving the same direction as the space-bazooka is pointed, if the motion streaks are to be trusted. Since a bazooka is basically just a tube from which rocket-propelled shaped charges are fired, it shouldn’t have *that* much recoil (no, the rocket doesn’t need “something to push against” in order to move).

    I wonder if the brief impulse of the rocket motor before it departs the bazooka imparts any momentum to whatever’s holding onto the tube. The exhaust plume from the aft end of the tube doesn’t help….

    @Emster(prev.): Prepare to giggle. Hockey player Brent Burns at the NHL Awards show –

  11. Tat Wood Says:

    @Emster: ‘The Mysterous Monty Mercury’ was a comic-strip in ‘The Topper’ when I were a lad; an alien hiding in a rather dated boarding-school. Mike Mercury was the protagonist of ‘Supercar’, Gerry Anderson’s first attempt at futuristic adventure. Freddie Mercury was a bit cooler than either.

    Kenneth Mars was in ‘The Producers’ and ‘Young Frankenstein’, so I imagine that Mike Mars also has an unconvincing German accent. Bruno Mars had a hit album about eight years ago then vanished. (Presumably he went into hiding after ‘Uptown Funk’ annoyed so many people.) Ethel M has a cactus-farm-cum-chocolate-factory in Las Vegas.

    @Hammy: if it’s so little help in either combat or space-manoeuvring, and is such a bugger to get into the air-lock and manipulate in zero-g, why has he got one on his person? Where did he stash it?

  12. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @Bruce: Like ‘Mericun Jesus taught!

    @Hammy: The mere existence of the exhaust plume reinforces the idea that they’re in atmosphere.

    Maybe he’s got jet boots? But why did he take his man-purse with him?

    @Tat: Good summing-up. I do like Ethel M’s choc; get it whenever I’m in Vegas and demand anyone coming back from there bring it to me.

    And extremely good point on why and how he got the bazooka into the Gemini. I’ve seen those early spaceships IRL, and there wasn’t room for anything that big. There was just enough room to basically pour the guys into their seats. Maybe he got it from inside the tube it’s docked to?

  13. Emster Says:

    @Hammy – yep, made my day – no one rocks the cammo like that giant Canadian wookie.

    @Tat – Veronica Mars is an American teen noir mystery drama television series about a student moonlighting as a private investigator under the tutelage of her detective father. Fun fact: Mr. E is binge-watching it at this very moment.

  14. Hammy Says:

    @Tat(#11): Your guess is as good as mine. Some of the later models of US-made bazookas had two-piece modular tubes to make them easier to carry, but still, they are fairly bulky and weigh about 15 pounds (7-ish kilos). It might well have been in whatever the Gemini’s docked to (which doesn’t look like an Agena upper stage to me).

    @GSSxn(#12): Well, the shaped charges are propelled by solid-fuel rockets, so they do have oxidizer that would suggest a visible flame, though I’m no expert. Rockets I can fly from the ground, but I’ve never tried one in space.

    I think the other guy in the Gemini is just sticking his head out the hatch so he can wave to the camera that’s floating somewhere near the docking target and say “Hi, mom!”

  15. JJYoyo Says:

    @GSSxN (#12): Where would he stash a bazooka? A vexing question indeed for a Gemini spacecraft. However, if it were a Soviet one, the answer is easy: just get rid of the reentry parachutes and there is plenty of room ….

  16. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @JJYoyo: Da!

    @Hammy: The only thing I can figure is that whatever the docking thing is is a product of the more-advanced tech that Mike’s using in his 1963. The Commie menace satellite appears fancier than they had back then, too. And I guess maybe Geminis had room for a bazooka and charges in his world, or at least really well-stocked Agenas.

    I still think he should have been tethered, recoil or no. Maybe the other guy has his hatch open because he realizes he’s gotta go out and rescue Mike. He probably should wait till after the shrapnel drifts by, though.

    I should ask my brother if his collection of painstakingly built early US spacecraft still exists. I know we’ve lost the rubber band propelled Moon Buggy we got by drinking way too much Tang.

  17. A. R. Yngve Says:

    “This just in… U.S. astronaut Mike Mars reported as a casualty in a tragic space accident. Early reports claim he tried to stand in the way of a satellite coming at him with a relative speed of several kilometers per second.”

  18. GSS ex-noob Says:

    “By sensibly staying in the Gemini Plus, his copilot survived to bring us this news. The Soviet space agency refused to confirm or deny the satellite was theirs, but an anonymous source in Moscow said ‘Even if it was, we bear no guilt if stupid capitalist stand right in path!’ More as this story develops.”

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