Mar 18

What do you mean I can't play till I put clothes on?Click for full image

OH man, do I have a bad hangover! I need something soothing, like a half naked teenager holding a guitar and a bit of blood trickling from his mouth. His hair slicked back, his skin pale like that of a… vampire! That’s right, I did just suggest it: a vampire guitarist! Uh-oh, I’m going to be sick.

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 8.64 out of 10)

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31 Responses to “Valentine”

  1. Adam Roberts Says:

    “I am ze Count!. I like to count. Ah … ONETWOTHREEFOUR …’

  2. James Lovegrove Says:

    He’s just posing. That’s not a real chord.

  3. SI Says:

    ‘You should see my werewolf drummer.’

  4. Adam Roberts Says:

    It is so a real chord! It’s clearly Undead Minor.

  5. James Lovegrove Says:

    Or type A major.

  6. SI Says:


    I hear he has a wonder piece written in the necronomiconal scale.

  7. Adam Roberts Says:

    Type A Major is better gag. ‘Undead Minor’ sounds like a boy at a small English Public School.

  8. e.lee Says:

    The neck on that guitar is the only one he didn’t bite….

  9. Edward Cullen's Complexion Says:

    I think this was the original cover design for “Twilight.”

  10. CSA Says:

    He stakes his reputation on it. But i still think he sucks.

  11. Simon Says:

    Has no-one else spotted that he is a lightporcupine? A vampiric lightporcupine too. There are none worse.

  12. CSA Says:

    Everyone know vampires sparkle. This one just emits light aswell.

    I actually think this cover is worse than most of the baen ones. It’s too emo

  13. James Lovegrove Says:

    @Adam: You’re too kind. Of course, I’d never have managed it if you hadn’t provided the initial spark of inspiration.

    I’d also like to thank my manager, my agent, my make-up artist, my personal assistant…

  14. SI Says:

    YO James. I’m gonna let you finish. But CSA had oneo’ best jokes of all time.

    Hilarious, I just made a joke based on pop culture… well its a friday I guess.

  15. Brycemeister Says:

    Boy, he sure is stroking the heck out of that guitar…why is it not also emitting light? Must his instrument languish in the darkness of his…area?

    My soul hurts, hurts like a hobnail boot stomped on it.

  16. irisclara Says:

    The Baen covers are just loud. This is pretentious. Sad really, just sad. Think how much better it would look with an explosion or some space marines. I might even read that.

  17. A.R.Yngve Says:

    A vampire rock musician — that’s just silly.
    A vampire music publisher, on the other hand — that’s a documentary.

  18. Anna T. Says:

    I’m just thinking that Dracula could kick the arse of this guy. We have no need for any more emo vampires.

  19. Tat Wood Says:

    Stake through the heart, and you’re still playin’
    You give love a bad name.

  20. fred Says:

    Now I want a cover of Alternate Universe Wayne Newton as a space marine fighting cat people. Danke schoen in advance.

  21. THX 1139 Says:

    This is the vampire equivalent of those Love Is… cartoons from the 70s. Underage, is what I’m saying.

  22. Raoul Says:

    @Tat – GSS!

  23. JuanPaul Says:

    Dave Vanian’s and Captain Sensible’s illegitimate lovechild?

  24. Tor Mented Says:

    He is part of an undead Creedence Clearwater Revival tribute band. They get a lot of requests for:
    Tombstone Shadow
    The Nighttime is the Right Time.
    Bad Moon Rising
    Graveyard Train
    I Put a Spell on You
    Pagan Baby
    Midnight Special

  25. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @Tat, THX, and Tor: Good show, sirs!

    Does vampirism cause your head to become overly large? Or is his swelled head from being a rock star, presumably loved by crowds?

    @TW: Is there a “shirtless” tag? The tasteful darkness keeps us from seeing if he’s also doing the “no pants dance”.

  26. B. Chiclitz Says:

    Few things are as off-putting as a smug vampire.

  27. B. Chiclitz Says:

    “Hey, you’re supposed to be one of the undead, not the undressed!”

  28. GSS ex-noob Says:

    It’s not just artwork that can be awkwardly naked, so can unmanipulated photos:

  29. GSS ex-noob Says:

    Also, I just looked at the tags for this.


    “Valentine” is perfectly suited to a naked emo vampire rock star, but “Timmy”?

    It is to laugh even more than this cover provokes.

  30. Tat Wood Says:

    @GSSxN: He must have gone solo after the Lords of the Underworld split. It explains why his head’s so disproportionately large.

  31. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @Tat: I’ve been waiting for someone to make that joke for ages. Thank you for getting the reference.

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