Jun 25

I'm sorry my darling, the hair straighteners are dead. We'll need to get a new one.Click for full image

Art Direction: Sometimes I just would love a big hug from a hunky man with some steroid induced muscles. He would hold me while I sit brooding on a stone floor with the epic backdrop of snow covered mountains. So let’s draw that. Except, don’t draw me. Best put some woman there instead.
Published 2001

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 8.56 out of 10)

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43 Responses to “The Warrior Enchained”

  1. SI Says:

    “I’m sorry. But with all the steroids, it just kinda fell off. At least you have an awesome six pack to look at… right?”

  2. Adam Roberts Says:

    SI: to which the woman replies, ‘don’t worry dear, mine is big enough for the both of us. Why, you didn’t think that’s my foot, did you?’

  3. SI Says:

    Adam: Very good Sir! haha

    Speaking of the women. She seems to have a very long leg and a very short one.

  4. SophaLoaf Says:

    Part Two of Terrillian Saga…maybe now she will let him go to second base.

  5. A.R.Yngve Says:

    Oh dear.

    Oh dear, oh dear oh dear… just one look at that cover and… oh, my stomach, it hurts…

    And for each moment I keep looking at the word “Terrillian”, the consonants seem to multiply:

  6. Adam Roberts Says:

    She seems to have a very long leg and a very short one.

    She’d be OK standing on a hillside. But only facing the one way; if she turned around she’d totally fall down.

  7. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @Adam: Looks like his legs are a little asymmetrical too…or else he’s leaning over to the side.

    @ARY: This is part two of the saga. Part three will be Terrrilllian, part four will be Terrrrillllian, etc.

    Am I the only one who notices how few chains are portrayed?

  8. DeadRobot Says:

    I’m sorry we missed the cover for “The Warrior Accepted to Night School for Art Fundamentals – Part One of the Terrillian Saga”

    And cue the song: “Hold me closer, tiny headed daaaancer….”

  9. Tom Noir Says:

    I for one have serious doubts that ‘enchained’ is a real word.

  10. Evad Says:

    They look so depressed. As if they had seen themselves on the cover.

  11. CSA Says:

    Wait, when did I get cybereyes? both hands are in the photo…

    woman: “but they said we would be on an good cover”
    man: “I know, *cries*, i buffed up because i thought i was going on a Conan novel”

  12. Parker Says:

    If you notice right beside that persons thumb, there is a book called ‘Dream Scone’. Must be one pretty excellent scone!

  13. Simon Says:

    It looks like she is his newly acquired full size action figure (74 points of articulation! ), he’s just got her into a really good pose (just SO) and is now leaning slightly to one side and squinting in order to get it looking just like she was in his favourite scene from the film.

    It also looks like the artist really wasn’t that good.

    It’s also certain I need to get out more.

  14. Phil Says:

    Off to the left, if you look carefully, there is a William Shatner novel.

    Sorry, that should be a “William Shatner” novel.

    Sorry, a “William Shatner” “novel”.

  15. Brian B Says:

    According to Amazon, the publisher of this novel is “Greenery Press,” suggesting to me that this was a self published work? That would certainly explain the amateurish artwork. According to the reviews is also–not surprisingly–quite awful. The descriptions remind me the novels of Gor…but you know worse because it is someone trying to COPY those novels.

  16. Tom Noir Says:

    I don’t think this was self-published. Here is a paperback edition from 1983.

  17. Brian B Says:

    Wow, it seems you’re right Tom. And that older cover is many, many times better. I wonder what happened between the two different editions? Was it cheaper to have a high school art student do a new cover rather than paying to reprint the old one?

  18. David Cowie Says:

    Here’s a larger version of the 1983 cover:
    Featuring a warrior in chains!

    You may also want to see Terrillian I
    Terrillian III
    Terrillan IV
    and Terrillian V

  19. e.lee Says:

    “…the Terillian Saga’- sounds very Pythonesque.

  20. A.R.Yngve Says:

    Brian B wrote:
    “The descriptions remind me the novels of Gor…but you know worse because it is someone trying to COPY those novels.”

    – I can’t for the life of me think of anything more depressing than someone actually wanting to write books like John Norman. I really, sincerely cannot think of a worse indictment of humanity. It makes “The Screwfly Solution” seem cheerful by comparison.

  21. jimmay Says:

    @Tom: Surely you’ve head the Righteous Brothers song Enchained Melody !

  22. Tom Noir Says:

    @Brian B: “That Conan-looking stuff doesn’t sell anymore! Here’s something my thirteen-year-old son drew!”

    Two comments on the old covers: 1) what stunning plot twist took place between books III and IV to make the heroine put on clothes? 2) you call your galactic human empire “the amalgamation”? Seriously, you work with words for a living and that’s the best you could come up with?

  23. Nix Says:

    Obviously you pick a name like “the Amalgamation” if you’re a computer scientist moonlighting as an author, refugee’s rights crusader, particle physicist and mathematician: see Greg Egan’s galactic metahuman empire in _Incandescence_ and a short story or two.

    Now we know where he got the name from. Somehow a book with a cover like this don’t seem like Egan’s typical reading fare to me (as opposed to one covered with equations or with words like ‘Elementary’ in the title, i.e. ‘nightmarishly difficult’). Still, he’s a famously private man: who knows what he gets up to in private.


  24. Rebecca Says:

    Okay. I feel compelled to mention the lavender ballet flats that match the lavender . . . v-necked loincloth worn by the female? Wouldn’t gladiator sandals or something been more in keeping with whatever this theme is? And with the snowcapped mountains in the background . . . put a cardigan on that young woman. I’m getting cold just looking at her.

  25. Brian B Says:

    Just to be clear, I never meant to say that the Gor novels were any good either! I should have said “this is even worse than those because it is a copy”

  26. anon Says:

    Fabio’s career has really hit rock bottom. I mean, considering the talent of the artist.

  27. A.R.Yngve Says:

    Fabio, now starring in ads for “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gor”…

  28. Mat T Says:

    “She seems to have a very long leg and a very short one.”

    She’s plopped down exausted after walking in circles for several hours.

  29. Anna T. Says:

    Not only is this a depressingly stereotypical image of a barbarian hero and a damsel, it’s a very bad image of such.

  30. anon Says:

    If you look at the covers David linked to, you’ll notice the name “Terril”.
    Should it really be “Terrillian” then, with two L’s?

    Also, “Terra” is mentionioned in the first cover. It’s going to be a very confusing read if any more names start with “Terr-“. Not that I want to read this book anyway.

  31. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    GOOD SHOW TROPES: The Warrior Enchained

    Terra Terril Terrilian-Terrillian enjoys a position of respect and/or authority in her own society, but is forced by circumstance to travel in areas controlled by male-dominated societies in which women have no status. Although possessed of formidable self-defense skills (in Terrilian-Terrillian’s case, telepathic abilities), she is practically or actually enslaved and forced to endure rape and other humiliating sexual treatment, during which she often experiences involuntary sexual response. And there’s this guy.


    All Your Boobs Are Belong To Us: Terra Terril Terrilian-Terrillian is the only named female character.
    Artistic License: Physics: Terra Terril Terrilian-Terrillian and Kardio Fezziq are shown above the top of a snow-covered mountain chain.
    Butt Monkey: Subverted. Terra Terril Terrilian-Terrillian and Kardio Fezziq are both pointed forward, and you cannot see the monkeys flying out of their butts.
    Curtains Match the Rope
    Determinator: Kardio Fezziq is determined to shift Terra Terril Terrilian-Terrillian’s centre of balance, no matter what it takes.
    Heliotrope of Aggression: Terra Terril Terrilian-Terrillian is shown only wearing lavender, when she’s wearing anything at all.
    I Cannot Alphabetise and I Must Scream
    Jerk With a Heart of Gold: How to close the magical curtains.
    Product Placement: The Lunar Ballet League sponsored Terra Terril Terrilian-Terrillian’s shoe and the Moon in the background.
    Robosexual: Implied.
    Running Gag: Played with. Imagine how Terra Terril Terrilian-Terrillian is supposed to run if her legs are radically different.
    Ruthless Barbarians: Played straight. No barbarian is named Ruth.
    They Just Didn’t Care: Duh.
    Too Dumb To Live: Kardio Fezziq does not live to see the next cover.
    Uncanny Valley

    Terra Terril Terrilian-Terrillian Sometimes, I can’t tell the difference between myself and a mug cup.
    Kardio Fezziq What? Did you say something?

  32. anon Says:

    @DSWBT: I don’t think that’s Kardio, though. I think it’s one of his brothers, Pumm-Pdupp or Joosdup.

  33. Tat Wood Says:

    They built a school-play stage on a mountainside so the seats are on the downward slop. The audience will see the sky and a bit of roof.

  34. fred Says:

    ‘When the moon hits your eye
    Like a big ol’ cow pie
    That’s a cover.’
    Exciting cover. A castle drudge is about to finish up polishing the marble ceiling. He is obviously there to dismantle the plywood staging.

  35. Bibliomancer Says:

    When I heard there was a kneeling woman on the cover I was expecting something more Gor-like.

  36. SI Says:

    This was posted 7 years ago! 7 YEARS! Wow. Suddenly just hit me there. GSS at 10 is coming up soon.

    “I’m sorry, I’m just looking for a woman who takes care of her hair as good as I do.”

  37. Bibliomancer Says:

    @SI – And I bet GSS Admin and Tag Wizard have a giant party celebration planned!
    Just kidding … the site will be probably be down with technical issues from year 9 to 11.

  38. B. Chiclitz Says:

    I haven’t read through all seven years of posts, so this may be redundant but I have two questions:

    1. Which one is the warrior?
    2. Where are the chains?
    Make that three questions—
    3. How do you spell Terra-Terril-Terrill-Terrilian-Terrillian? I mean, in Terran.
    No, Four, that would be four questions—
    4. What do you call that thing she’s wearing?

  39. JuanPaul Says:

    @bc let me try to answer:

    1. The warrior is the reader, with the bravery and determination to actually get through this book.

    2. The chains are the invisible chains of society’s gender roles.

    3. Ask Google translate

    4. That would be the traditional Terrillian garb of sexual frustration

  40. Raoul Says:

    To me it looks like the warrior is giving her a back rub standing on the ladder outside her tree house.

  41. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @JuanPaul—Thanks, it’s now clear, as clear, as little Alex would say, “as an unmuddied lake.”

  42. THX 1138 Says:

    Fabio’s second finest endeavour – after Dude, Where’s My Car?

  43. infoqueen Says:

    Fabio: “Adrienne Barbeaux, we’ll never win ‘Dancing with the Stars’ if you don’t get your foot out of your vagina so we can finish our Salute to Disco!”

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