Jul 27

You have mighty claws yet you choose a stick to defend yourself?Click for full image

Sarah’s Art Direction: So there’s this guy, right? And he’s a lobster. But not really a lobster! Just has a lobster body. Uh, and really skinny arms. And he’s got a parrot for a sidekick, but get this — the parrot is a lobster, too! You getting all of this down, Steve? Ooh, maybe thrown in one of those “Manamanah” things from The Muppets, too. People love those.
Published 1978

Lets just see who that killer crab from the other day really is!
Many thanks to Sarah!

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 8.02 out of 10)

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21 Responses to “Retief’s War”

  1. Parker Says:

    Is he wearing a lobster costume? He must have really thin arms.

  2. cutmanmike Says:

    Shit. I would murder if I could get my very own wheelchair parrot lobster.

  3. SI Says:

    FINALLY IN PAPERBACK! Man, I’ve been waiting for years.

    So… when he has that lobster helmet on how does he see? The eye holes don’t really look like they’ll line up with his own.

  4. Tom Noir Says:

    Retief had it all put together… the lobster costume; the weird, mis-matched mask; the cold, psychotic stare. He couldn’t understand why no one on his street would give him candy when he knocked on their door.

    It didn’t matter. Soon they’d ALL give him candy, whether they liked it or not. TRICK OR TREAT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  5. DeadRobot Says:

    Pass my bib and the butter!

  6. A.R.Yngve Says:

    There’s a perfectly rational explanation, folks…

    Retief was swordfighting with a giant lobster-man, and they BOTH lopped off each other’s head at the same time… which caused Retief’s head to land on top of the lobster-man’s decapitated body.

  7. Phil Says:

    That sickly bird-thing must be the origin of the phrase “sick as a parrot…with lobster claws”.

  8. Kathleen Says:

    Retief’s first attempt at Uplift was not considered a success

  9. Dave Van Domelen Says:

    SI: Likely camera eyes with a screen inside the helmet. Wrong number of eyes for a Groaci, though…and I suspect it’s supposed to be a Groaci disguise. It’s certainly not hemidemisemiformalwear.

  10. IZ Says:

    Wha’ts with the cross-eyed, shocked expression on the building in the background? An example of the aliens’ startlist architectural movement?

  11. JohnBobMead Says:

    DVD: Having read the book, I can state that it’s not a nine-eyed sticky fingers disguise. iirc the natives are composite creatures, where freemoving arms, etc., conjoin to form more complex critters, with the partial result of non-uniformity of appearance,

  12. THX 1139 Says:

    Always a relief to see Retief.

  13. Tor Mented Says:

    Composite creatures? This must be a crosstacean.

  14. Tor Mented Says:

    Joaquin Phoenix’s next superhero movie promises to be even weirder than “Joker.”

  15. fred Says:

    Cover artist is Carlos Ochagavia. Wonder why an artist of his quality didn’t sign this……..oh, the whole quality thing.

  16. NomadUK Says:

    Having retired from Hollywood and spent all his earnings from the Lord of the Rings trilogy, Elijah Wood eventually became a groundskeeper and was last seen picking up discarded rubbish around Walt Disney World. Nobody could explain the lobster suit, however.

  17. B. Chiclitz Says:

    I’m dutifully trying to figure out just what Retief’s “greatest challenge” might be. Perhaps getting in and out of that lobster suit?

    @Tor M—”crosstacean,” nice.

  18. Bruce A Munro Says:

    Retief: And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!

    @JonBobMead has confused this book with “Retief’s Ransom,” which is the planet with the easily swappable body parts. This is the planet Quopp, which “sports organic-mechanic life forms that resemble everything from electric dragonflies to living tanks and helicopters, and every tribe wars with every other.”

  19. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @fred: This cover is a good work of art that represents the book WAY MORE than most of his work. I’m particularly horrified at “The Islar” cover. The random blobbage covers are just meh and Zzzzz.

    @Bruce: I do like me some Retief stories. In all of them I’ve read (including one just this week), I don’t recall him having such scary staring eyes. “Laid back” was his modus operandi.

    @Tor: excellent pun.

  20. Bruce A Munro Says:

    @GSS ex-noob: laid back, at least up until the point where he does grievous physical harm to someone deserving. 🙂

  21. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @Bruce: He sort of alternates between the two. No crazy eyes, just calmly eating, drinking, and flirting, with occasional outbursts of quick violence between those.

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