Dec 12

Interpretive dance... the only way to talk to the mountain of light! Click for full image

Tom Noir Comments: Balzan, when your B.O. starts knocking out dragons, it’s time to take a bath. And I don’t mean by licking yourself.
Published 1975

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 7.94 out of 10)

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30 Responses to “The Light(s) of Zetar”

  1. Phil Says:

    How strange: “The Lights of Zetar” was also the title of an episode in STAR TREK’s third season… a not very good episode.

  2. THX 1138 Says:

    “Which one of you said I couldn’t rock a miniskirt?”

  3. Bibliomancer Says:

    Looks familiar:

  4. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @Biblio: it amazes me that they were able to get two more volumes from this premise.

    Is he attacking with a golf club?

  5. Rachel J Says:

    Hey! Balzan’s back! But where are the cat people?

    @Phil. Yes, Memory Alpha, the Trek Wiki, describes this book’s title as “apparently an homage”.

    One way of looking at it, I suppose.

  6. Tom Noir Says:

    Yes @Bibliomancer, but in THAT cover Balzan is awkwardly threatening the moon, while in THIS cover he’s being tickled by a dinosaur.


  7. A.R.Yngve Says:

    So, he’s raised by aliens on another world then?
    An interesting premise which could produce a fascinating study of culture vs. genetics…
    …but until that novel arrives, we’ll have to settle for the likes of Balzan.

  8. Lulu Says:

    Every time I look at the dinosaur frolicking in the corner, I burst out laughing. (Imagine his tiny arms waving enthusiastically.) Good show, sir!

  9. SI Says:

    You’ve all got it wrong that Dragon/dinosaur is dramatically sneaking up behind balzan!

  10. Tat Wood Says:

    @ Rachel J: given that the Trek offering, by the woman who brought us Lamb Chop, was itself the Salem Witch-Hunts in space (unless I’ve got it muddled up with a different one) that raises all sorts of rights issues as well as resolving Patrick Allen playing not-Tarzan-at-all with dinosaurs.

  11. Rags Says:

    @ Lulu – agreed, there is something whacky about that dino.

    His tail seems to have been filled with helium. His “wings” look way to bulbous and heavy for anything but battering his own body. He has these oddly shaped claws, almost like a chameleon AND he is supporting his entire MASS on one weak looking claw/hoof/foot!! He looks more like a badly drawn symbol from some obscure middle eastern beer company than an alien.

    Oh Balzan, my Balzan!!

    Writer: “How do we steal the name of Tarzan and make it even manlier? What do guys like?”
    Publisher: “Bars? Cars? Wars?”
    Writer: “hmmm, Barzan? Carzan? Warzan? All good but it needs more (grabs groin) macheesmo…….BALLS!!! BALZAN!! Thats it!!”
    Publisher: “I can almost hear the money piling in, genius!! (also grabs groin laughing maniacally)

  12. fearofmusic Says:

    i do not think the wings belong to the dinosaur. i think a flying space leech has attached itself and begun its feast. the dinosaur seems duly alarmed by this

  13. fred Says:

    Given the lightning bolt Z in his name, I’m assuming he is holding a lightning rod used to harness the static electricity generated by the fur of the out of frame horde of cat people.

  14. A.R.Yngve Says:

    BALZAN Of The Gerbil People
    BALZAN Of The Platypus People
    BALZAN Of The People People

  15. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:


  16. A.R.Yngve Says:

    BAL-ZAR Of The Bolshoi Ballet People
    BAL-LOON Of The Montgolfier People
    BALZAWOOD Of The Model Plane People

  17. Jaouad Says:

    @Dead Stuff, #4: He is indeed. Balzan has the Power of Golf Balls. One of which can be seen dropping from his left hand, so perhaps he’s a bit rubbish at being Balzan, but who cares? The Cat People have his back.

  18. B. Chiclitz Says:

    “The Lights of Zetar.” Hmmmmmmm . . . . I know I get hung up on this stuff, and duly flagellate myself for it, periodically, but—if Zetar is a “mountain of light” how can it have “lights”? Isn’t that like saying “the oceans of the Atlantic ocean”?

  19. Bibliomancer Says:

    … and an (s) doth magically appear.

  20. Tat Wood Says:

    So book 1 has cat-people, book 3 has dancing dinosaurs, logically, book 2 would be killer robots. Sadly, no What a swizz!

  21. infoqueen Says:

    Balzan of the Village People: clearly, the dinosaur in the background is trying to dance the YMCA dance, but his stumpy arms won’t let him form the letters properly.

  22. Ian Says:

    Clearly the suffix -zan means something. Tarzan, Balzan, … The evidence suggests little clothing and muscles. I must add a character to my next book – Bruce-zan, Carl-zan, Fred-zan, makes all the difference. No?

  23. anon Says:

    @Bibliomancer, is it looking up or down for him when he has traded in his knife for a riding crop?

  24. Stevie T Says:

    “…Of the Cat People” Handed to the artist on a silver platter, and this is what he comes up with? Here’s a legitimate excuse for putting a cat-person on the cover…AND HE DOESN’T? What was he thinking?

  25. HappyBookwyrm Says:

    @Stevie T – What indeed? I mean, cat-people make any cover better even without any excuse at all. Maybe the artist is allergic and taking it out on the reading public?

    And if you’re not going to use cat people, why is there a dancing dragon with bird wings on the cover instead of the cited “mountain of light.”

    Total side note: I really like the Star Trek Episode “The Lights of Zetar.”

  26. Anti-Sceptic Says:

    A lot of zeds there. For the Americans, I meant Zs.

  27. Tom Noir Says:

    @Anti-Sceptic: You mean like the band Zed Zed Top?

  28. Tat Wood Says:

    @Tom Noir: I did hear them called that by a DJ who is now in prison*. British readers will know who I mean and will also know why this train of thought leads me to imagine that the talking book of this would have been read by the late Tommy Vance. American readers only need to know that this was an English bloke trying to do the Don LaFontaine “in a world…” voice while introducing heavy metal acts decades younger than him.

    (*Not just for that.)

  29. anon Says:

    Kung-Fu without the robes. And a fat flying lizard.

  30. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @Tat, 20: That version of Balzac looks like Ed Ames. It’s got to be the mouth. The others remind me of Robert Davi.

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