Jun 07

The Mother of all CapesClick for full image

Good Show Sir Comments: Fun fact. For some reason I am reminded that he Latin word for “sword sheath” is vagina.

Published 1986

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 6.92 out of 10)

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34 Responses to “Sword-Dancer”

  1. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:


  2. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    The belt is cutting through the top of her thighs a considerable distance. And I’m fairly certain she’s not wearing any underclothes beneath her tabard’s skirts.

  3. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    I suppose that I’d read it on the bus, if only because the cover’s true silliness is apparent under examination, not really at casual glance.

  4. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Has anyone read this book? Is it really set in the neighbour’s sand box, or does the terrain just look that way?

  5. THX 1138 Says:

    Thunderthighs should really be holding aloft the sword by its blade to add the missing T to the author’s name.

  6. JuanPaul Says:

    *Nicol Williamson Merlin voice* Whosoever pulls this sword from the soft and yeilding sand, she shall be queen.

  7. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @THX: what kind of a name is Jenntifer???

  8. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    It seems that the story is, in fact, set in the desert rather than adjacent to a giant clam as you might at first think.

  9. Bibliomancer Says:

    @DSWBT – Clam Caravan ?

  10. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @B’mancer: Indubitably. 😉

  11. Bibliomancer Says:

    @DSWBT – Then I’m giving this book an 11 rating!

  12. fred Says:

    I think Olivier’s Crassus from the Spartacus movie would pay a couple of million sesterces for this snail/oyster.

  13. B. Chiclitz Says:

    Just in case you aren’t sure if this book/cover are overblown and pretentious enough, this is from the Goodreads author’s blurb:

    “Jennifer Mitchell Roberson O’Green is an author of fantasy and historical literature. Roberson has lived in Arizona since 1957. She grew up in Phoenix, but in 1999 relocated to Flagstaff.”

    Four names? And I guess the relocation from Phoenix to Flagstaff was a truly epochal event. Probably went by clam caravan.

    And I have a hard time believing that “O’Green” is a legitimate Irish name.

    Maybe we need a “pretentious” tag?

  14. Tat Wood Says:

    ‘Sword Dancer’ is to swords what ‘pole dancer’ is to poles. Messy.

  15. THX 1138 Says:

    @DSWBT #7: No, silly, Jennifter.

    @BC #13: I’ve asked about the possibility of a “pretentious, moi?” tag before. Of course, it could apply to half the site so may be accused of stating the bleedin’ obvious.

  16. JuanPaul Says:

    It’s not a good sign when they’re making a bigger deal out of the blurb writer than the author.

  17. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @JP: that’s because they paid the blurb writer in chocolate…can’t you tell?

  18. Tat Wood Says:

    Did they just stick a cheerleader’s head on a painting of a gladiator?

  19. JuanPaul Says:

    @dswbt “this is delectable…decadent, bittersweet…and unexpected!”

  20. Anna T. Says:

    If someone could find a good explanation as for why she’s stuck her sword in the dirt and is making it glow, that’d be great. Sticking your sword in the ground is not good for it.

    No, I don’t know what happened to her pants either.

  21. B. Chiclitz Says:

    Speaking of pants, given the way that gigantic cape and her hair are being blown back, I am a little worried that she’s going to get an irritation in some very sensitive regions. Might have to call this book The Sand-Chafer.

  22. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @Tat: I don’t think so. I think that the artist used a female model, but took some creative liberties (re. position of waist @2) with her anatomy. I’ve spent more than a little time trying to figure out how her torso works, and if I could hazard a guess, I’d say there’s a breast plate hidden under it. So, points for modesty there, minus most everywhere else.

  23. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Bernice tries to invent the sundial, and fails catastrophically.

  24. GSS ex-noob Says:

    Thunder thighs has obviously been neglecting arm day. She oughta put something on the pommel so’s she could wield it with those mighty legs. Her puny arms and upper body ain’t gonna do it. Also, using her feet would keep it clear of obstruction by that ridiculous cape.

    I’m a bit uncomfortable just looking at that — between the belt, the short tunic, and the sand, the chafing must be incredible.

    But is this even a girl? Could it be a girl’s head transplanted onto that of a warrior? Because this person is mighty-thewed indeed. Maybe the cape is hiding the join.

    I relocated from Flagstaff to Phoenix on vacation once. It was about 2 hours’ drive. I did not, however, “obtain a Bachelor of Science”. Which sounds like Jennifter picked up an unmarried geek dude along I-17 and kept him.

  25. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @GSSxn; DSWBT—Bertnice?

  26. A.R.Yngve Says:

    Q: Why do fantasy characters always have such enormous, unwieldy capes?

    A: They keep their keys, money and food in them — since their clothes do not have pockets and they never carry a pouch or backpack.

  27. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @BC: there’s where the missing T is supposed to go! Good show, sir.

    @ARY: does that mean the capes have pockets?

    @TW: needs “muscles” tag.

    I put a thumb over the head of the girl on this cover, and damn if I don’t think even more so that it’s a lady’s head stuck on a man’s body. And that whoever it is doesn’t have the biceps an expert swordsperson of any gender should. Maybe it’s the Bachelor of Science who was somehow obtained.

  28. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    I think I’ve figured out what’s going on with her head. Her pose is anatomically possible if you throw back your shoulders and tuck in your chin sharply, as though you’re trying to catch your cape from blowing away. So, awkward and unconventional, but not erroneous in and of itself. The problem is that the artist painted nothing but billowing cape on the right (her right, our left) side of her head and neck. And that lack of connection between her head and body makes it appear that her head is floating in space. Alternate between the left and the right side of the picture (maybe with a piece of paper to cover up one at a time), and you can see it.

  29. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @DSWBT—that took a lot of effort! But was it worth it, after all?

  30. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @BC: never. Never in a million years. *sigh*

  31. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Her left upper arm…does it go flat in the middle?

  32. GSS ex-noob Says:

    Yes, it seems to have been squashed flat, which is going to make it even tougher to wield the sword. Maybe the sword fell in the sand and s/he is too puny of arm to pull it out. (Hint: use the thighs!)

    Maybe the Bachelor of Science who was obtained along Interstate 17 (for it is in Arizona that our scene lies) could provide some help with ideas on leverage.

  33. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @GSS Liftwithyourlegs: I’m glad that you see it too, but now I can’t unsee it.

    As for the Bachelor of Science, surely you’ve realized that it’s shortened to B.S.? 😉

  34. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @DSWBT: That’s a concise summary of this “art”.

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