Aug 03

Hogar! Lord of the AssClick for larger image

JuanPaul Comments:
Who be the man with bright orange tan? HOGAR!
Who do we beg to show us less leg? HOGAR!
Who bought a big blade to impress all the maids? HOGAR!
Say it! HOGAR!
Say it! HOGAR!

Published 1987

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 8.11 out of 10)

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36 Responses to “Hogar: Lord of the Asyr”

  1. Bibliomancer Says:

    Hold the garage door! Hold the garage door! Hold the gar! Ho gar! Hogar! Hogar! HOGAR!

  2. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    “Are you going to help me out of this fiery inferno or what?”

    @B’mancer: SPOILERS, good sir! 😉

  3. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Points to unknown artist for the transparent bauble in his left hand, but he loses them again for trying to paint a bear’s (?) face on her belt buckle.

  4. Francis Boyle Says:

    A fantasy novel you say?

  5. Francis Boyle Says:

    I look forward to the sequel where Hogar teams up with some other heroic characters. Can’t think of a good title for it though.

  6. Francis Boyle Says:

    This is too easy. I sense a trap.

  7. Raoul Says:

    Hoagie: Lord of the Sandwiches

  8. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    FB@5: The Hoagies. That’ll be £1.

  9. RachelJ Says:

    I do like it when blurbs take the form of a question, especially one that- from all available evidence- can easily be answered thus:


    I mean, come on, “Fight evil”? “Win back his crown”? The man can’t even put his helmet on straight!

  10. fred Says:

    I wonder what John Rufus Sharpe IV thinks of this cover.
    @3 DSWBT – It looks like a tinging chocolate topped glazed donut..
    She’s hornier and has a charm belt.
    I wish the wind would make up its mind which direction it’s coming from.
    His helmet doesn’t have a cute playing card suit symbol glued to the top.

  11. THX 1138 Says:

    This is what happens when you let your missus dress you.

  12. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Sexist BOLLOCKS! He has three bladed weapons, she doesn’t even have a crystal ball to hurl at an opponent.

  13. Tat Wood Says:

    A basic rule of swordfighting: keep your eye on your opponents, rather than admiring your reflection in your big shiny blade.

    Luckily, he can dodge them because he and Eliza Dushko are only four inches tall and his only opponents so far have been a plate of chocolate biscuits, seen lying vanquished in the foreground.

  14. fred Says:

    Hogar got a love song. Lyrics by Mr Sharpe. Ella Fitzgerald version. Unreal how it fits with the cover.

  15. JuanPaul Says:

    @biblio#1 perfect. 🙂

    We’ve seen other covers featuring heavy shin armor and inadequate body armor. Do enemies tend to go low in these books?

  16. B. Chiclitz Says:

    He may be only four inches tall, but his little ball has a mighty ting!

  17. B. Chiclitz Says:

    And don’t be talking about hoagies unless you’ve been to South Philly and had a real one. Not a “sub,” “hero,” “po’ boy,” “grinder,” whatever, but a real hoagie, the kind Rocky trained on.

  18. Anna T. Says:

    It’s nice to see such egalitarian fashion in fantasy novel cover art. Usually it’s all heavy plate armour for the men, skimpy stuff for the women. Here…

    Minidresses, Capes and (Inaccurate) Viking Helmets for All!

    Some people look better in it than others.

  19. Bibliomancer Says:

    Cigar: Lord of the Smokes

  20. Tom Noir Says:

    Wow. I can almost hear the cheesy eighties Saturday morning cartoon theme song that this cover deserves when I look at it.

  21. GSS ex-noob Says:

    This cover had so many opportunities for Big Sword Ting! yet there is only crystal ball Ting!

    Half a step from “gibberish title” there.

    Hogar’s boobs are almost bigger than Mrs. Hogar’s. And the way he’s dressed and standing… is Hogar actually a Lady masquerading as a Lord? (Check out the angles on hip, knee, and ankle on the forward leg) Is Hogar looking for sorcery that works the same as hormone injections, or was that the sorcery that lost him the throne?

    Neither of them can get all that hair under their historically inaccurate helmets.

    Her belt appears to have a kitty on it. I hope she’s magic or something, b/c Hogar is hogging all the weapons. How the poor damsel’s supposed to eat without a knife is mind-boggling as well.

    Maybe the big sword is really hers and she’s all “Okay, you can play with it, just this once”, which explains her facial expression and line of sight.

    @Tom: Me too. I think this was on right before “Thundarr the Barbarian”.

  22. RachelJ Says:

    @GSS ex-noob #21. Clearly this is actually an intelligent, nuanced exploration of gender ambiguity in pseudo-Viking society.

  23. Yoss Says:

    Dang! Hogar has some nice smooth legs.

  24. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @RachelJ: Indeed. Who knew pseudo-Vikings were so sensitive to the LGBTQ and genderqueer community? Hogar can be enboobed and smooth-legged and still use masculine pronouns.

    Those outfits would look great in a Pride parade.

  25. A.R.Yngve Says:

    “Hogar, dear, you look ridiculous. Please try on the bigger helmet.”
    “NO! Hogar like THIS helmet! Helmet STAY ON!”

  26. A.R.Yngve Says:

    His (1) stolen by (2), can (3) fight (4) in a dark (5) and win back his (6)?

    Action figures

    Lemmy Kilmister
    Bigger kids
    An evil surgeon

    Lars Ulrich
    Adam Sandler
    Dr. Phil

    Stage fright
    His total lack of funny bones
    Wool allergy
    The Dark Lord Oprah

    Night of the soul
    Corner of the TV studio


  27. GSS ex-noob Says:

    With just a little extra, you can sing JuanPaul’s comment to the Spongebob Squarepants theme!

    “Who be the man with bright orange tan? HOGAR NO PANTS!”

  28. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @GSS: “Dramatic and free and fabulous he! HOGAR NO PANTS!”

  29. A.R.Yngve Says:

    I tried to write a song about Hogar, but it’s very hard to rhyme “Conan wannabe” and “Fantasy fashion victim”….

  30. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:


    In the not-too-distant future, Next Thursday AD
    There was a guy named Hogar, a Conan wannabe.
    He was a fantasy fashion victim
    A little bit strong and a little bit dim
    He didn’t have too much hair on his face
    So his bosses got a rocket and they shot him into space!

  31. A.R.Yngve Says:

    Good show, Sir. Good show.

  32. GSS ex-noob Says:

    Famed far and wide for androgyny HOGAR NO PANTS!

  33. Hammy Says:

    I see the title and can only think of the comic strip Hagar the Horrible….

  34. GSS ex-noob Says:

    Hagar has a giant red beard on his face. And trousers.

    Hogar only has an attractive black-haired beard. Not on his face.

    (We have already discussed the lack of trousers belonging to Mr. NO PANTS.)

    Although, with the overly-large helmet and the fascination with big shiny things, I wonder if we’ve unknowingly been making fun of a special needs King? Could he be suffering from inbreeding, like a lot of royalty? Like Charles II of Spain, who was (you guessed it!) a Hapsburg. Most people have 4 grandparents; he had 3. Most people have 8 g’grands; he had 4.

  35. A.R.Yngve Says:

    Any moment now, Hogar starts running around banging his helmet and sword, shouting “Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma!!”

  36. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @ARY: His helmet suggests Minnesota. If he had the purple cloak, the combo would cinch it. The excess of purple and gold on the cover is suspicious.

    (for our friends from Yurp:
    Note the logo’s hat and hair.)

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