Aug 03
JuanPaul Comments:
Who be the man with bright orange tan? HOGAR!
Who do we beg to show us less leg? HOGAR!
Who bought a big blade to impress all the maids? HOGAR!
Say it! HOGAR!
Say it! HOGAR!
HOGAR! HOGAR! HOGAR!
Published 1987
August 3rd, 2017 at 10:53 am
Hold the garage door! Hold the garage door! Hold the gar! Ho gar! Hogar! Hogar! HOGAR!
August 3rd, 2017 at 11:20 am
“Are you going to help me out of this fiery inferno or what?”
@B’mancer: SPOILERS, good sir! 😉
August 3rd, 2017 at 11:22 am
Points to unknown artist for the transparent bauble in his left hand, but he loses them again for trying to paint a bear’s (?) face on her belt buckle.
August 3rd, 2017 at 11:41 am
A fantasy novel you say?
August 3rd, 2017 at 11:45 am
I look forward to the sequel where Hogar teams up with some other heroic characters. Can’t think of a good title for it though.
August 3rd, 2017 at 11:50 am
This is too easy. I sense a trap.
August 3rd, 2017 at 12:04 pm
Hoagie: Lord of the Sandwiches
August 3rd, 2017 at 12:15 pm
FB@5: The Hoagies. That’ll be £1.
August 3rd, 2017 at 12:17 pm
I do like it when blurbs take the form of a question, especially one that- from all available evidence- can easily be answered thus:
“No”.
I mean, come on, “Fight evil”? “Win back his crown”? The man can’t even put his helmet on straight!
August 3rd, 2017 at 1:12 pm
I wonder what John Rufus Sharpe IV thinks of this cover.
@3 DSWBT – It looks like a tinging chocolate topped glazed donut..
She’s hornier and has a charm belt.
I wish the wind would make up its mind which direction it’s coming from.
His helmet doesn’t have a cute playing card suit symbol glued to the top.
August 3rd, 2017 at 1:23 pm
This is what happens when you let your missus dress you.
August 3rd, 2017 at 1:47 pm
Sexist BOLLOCKS! He has three bladed weapons, she doesn’t even have a crystal ball to hurl at an opponent.
August 3rd, 2017 at 1:53 pm
A basic rule of swordfighting: keep your eye on your opponents, rather than admiring your reflection in your big shiny blade.
Luckily, he can dodge them because he and Eliza Dushko are only four inches tall and his only opponents so far have been a plate of chocolate biscuits, seen lying vanquished in the foreground.
August 3rd, 2017 at 2:15 pm
Hogar got a love song. Lyrics by Mr Sharpe. Ella Fitzgerald version. Unreal how it fits with the cover.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwiBgin4xzk
August 3rd, 2017 at 5:03 pm
@biblio#1 perfect. 🙂
We’ve seen other covers featuring heavy shin armor and inadequate body armor. Do enemies tend to go low in these books?
August 3rd, 2017 at 5:23 pm
He may be only four inches tall, but his little ball has a mighty ting!
August 3rd, 2017 at 5:24 pm
And don’t be talking about hoagies unless you’ve been to South Philly and had a real one. Not a “sub,” “hero,” “po’ boy,” “grinder,” whatever, but a real hoagie, the kind Rocky trained on.
August 3rd, 2017 at 6:26 pm
It’s nice to see such egalitarian fashion in fantasy novel cover art. Usually it’s all heavy plate armour for the men, skimpy stuff for the women. Here…
Minidresses, Capes and (Inaccurate) Viking Helmets for All!
Some people look better in it than others.
August 3rd, 2017 at 6:29 pm
Cigar: Lord of the Smokes
August 3rd, 2017 at 7:52 pm
Wow. I can almost hear the cheesy eighties Saturday morning cartoon theme song that this cover deserves when I look at it.
August 3rd, 2017 at 10:56 pm
This cover had so many opportunities for Big Sword Ting! yet there is only crystal ball Ting!
Half a step from “gibberish title” there.
Hogar’s boobs are almost bigger than Mrs. Hogar’s. And the way he’s dressed and standing… is Hogar actually a Lady masquerading as a Lord? (Check out the angles on hip, knee, and ankle on the forward leg) Is Hogar looking for sorcery that works the same as hormone injections, or was that the sorcery that lost him the throne?
Neither of them can get all that hair under their historically inaccurate helmets.
Her belt appears to have a kitty on it. I hope she’s magic or something, b/c Hogar is hogging all the weapons. How the poor damsel’s supposed to eat without a knife is mind-boggling as well.
Maybe the big sword is really hers and she’s all “Okay, you can play with it, just this once”, which explains her facial expression and line of sight.
@Tom: Me too. I think this was on right before “Thundarr the Barbarian”.
August 4th, 2017 at 12:16 pm
@GSS ex-noob #21. Clearly this is actually an intelligent, nuanced exploration of gender ambiguity in pseudo-Viking society.
August 4th, 2017 at 8:40 pm
Dang! Hogar has some nice smooth legs.
August 6th, 2017 at 8:09 am
@RachelJ: Indeed. Who knew pseudo-Vikings were so sensitive to the LGBTQ and genderqueer community? Hogar can be enboobed and smooth-legged and still use masculine pronouns.
Those outfits would look great in a Pride parade.
August 16th, 2017 at 1:56 pm
“Hogar, dear, you look ridiculous. Please try on the bigger helmet.”
“NO! Hogar like THIS helmet! Helmet STAY ON!”
August 16th, 2017 at 2:05 pm
His (1) stolen by (2), can (3) fight (4) in a dark (5) and win back his (6)?
(1)
Kingdom
Harley
Dignity
Action figures
Heart
(2)
Sorcery
Lemmy Kilmister
Hecklers
Bigger kids
An evil surgeon
(3)
Hogar
Lars Ulrich
Adam Sandler
Timmy
Dr. Phil
(4)
Evil
Stage fright
His total lack of funny bones
Wool allergy
The Dark Lord Oprah
(5)
Land
Alley
Night of the soul
Barn
Corner of the TV studio
(6)
Crown
Mojo
Audience
Teddybear
Mustache
—
August 18th, 2017 at 10:11 pm
With just a little extra, you can sing JuanPaul’s comment to the Spongebob Squarepants theme!
“Who be the man with bright orange tan? HOGAR NO PANTS!”
August 19th, 2017 at 12:22 am
@GSS: “Dramatic and free and fabulous he! HOGAR NO PANTS!”
August 19th, 2017 at 9:24 am
I tried to write a song about Hogar, but it’s very hard to rhyme “Conan wannabe” and “Fantasy fashion victim”….
August 19th, 2017 at 12:18 pm
@AR:
In the not-too-distant future, Next Thursday AD
There was a guy named Hogar, a Conan wannabe.
He was a fantasy fashion victim
A little bit strong and a little bit dim
He didn’t have too much hair on his face
So his bosses got a rocket and they shot him into space!
August 19th, 2017 at 1:28 pm
Good show, Sir. Good show.
🙂
August 21st, 2017 at 5:15 am
Famed far and wide for androgyny HOGAR NO PANTS!
August 22nd, 2017 at 3:30 am
I see the title and can only think of the comic strip Hagar the Horrible….
August 22nd, 2017 at 7:21 am
Hagar has a giant red beard on his face. And trousers.
Hogar only has an attractive black-haired beard. Not on his face.
(We have already discussed the lack of trousers belonging to Mr. NO PANTS.)
Although, with the overly-large helmet and the fascination with big shiny things, I wonder if we’ve unknowingly been making fun of a special needs King? Could he be suffering from inbreeding, like a lot of royalty? Like Charles II of Spain, who was (you guessed it!) a Hapsburg. Most people have 4 grandparents; he had 3. Most people have 8 g’grands; he had 4.
August 22nd, 2017 at 11:39 am
Any moment now, Hogar starts running around banging his helmet and sword, shouting “Oklahoma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma!!”
August 24th, 2017 at 1:44 am
@ARY: His helmet suggests Minnesota. If he had the purple cloak, the combo would cinch it. The excess of purple and gold on the cover is suspicious.
(for our friends from Yurp: http://www.vikings.com/
Note the logo’s hat and hair.)