Mar 02

The Sword and Circlejerk TrilogyClick for larger image

Ryan Comments: Tor delivers unto us the ultimate GSS-spec cover: No visible feet, useless feminine armor, Baen-Orange hues, multiple celestial bodies way too close to each other, busty cover babe, and enormous phallic swords.

Published 1990

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 6.55 out of 10)

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16 Responses to “Seven of Swords”

  1. THX 1139 Says:

    The Sword and Singlet Trilogy.

  2. Francis Boyle Says:

    Sword-wielding getting you down? Lacking the strength to heft that phallic sword of your fantasy. Fear not, fair maiden. The Zorlax™ Cyber Arm is here for you. Completely undetectable¹, the Zorlax™ Cyber Arm straps to your shoulder to give you the wield-power of a barbarian queen without all that tedious and time consuming exercise. Have more time to devote to keeping your big hair in perfect condition with the Zorlax™ Cyber Arm. The Zorlax™ Cyber Arm is a maiden’s dream come true. (Useless shoulder armour sold separately.)

    1. In laboratory tests, nine out of ten blind dwarves could not detect the Zorlax™ Cyber Arm.

  3. fred Says:

    I hope she just found the sword because I wouldn’t want to lug that thing around through an entire trilogy.

  4. Paul Says:

    Is that a cape she’s wearing (which is going to be heavy AF to lug about after being in that pond), or is it some sort of giant blancmange monster that’s about to consume her?

  5. JuanPaul Says:

    To elaborate on the cape issue: with all the water, I question the ability of that cloak to billow.

  6. A.R.Yngve Says:

    Whaddya mean “phallic” sword? I don’t see any innuendo here…

    Those planets, though, are placed near the sword in a distinctly “Freudian” way…

  7. Tat Wood Says:

    It needs a cat-person. With a big gun. And a spaceship exploding.

    And a Ting. A sword that big needs a major Ting.

  8. B. Chiclitz Says:

    Somebody had to go wee-wee really badly, even painfully from the look of it.

  9. Bibliomancer Says:

    Careful with that thing! Looks like she already cut off her index and middle fingers.

  10. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @Bibliomancer—showing the wisdom of wearing only one gauntlet.

  11. GSS ex-noob Says:

    Is it any wonder Ms. Douglas moved into writing mysteries after this?

    @Paul: The latter, and it means to win Fantasy Wimbeldon.

    @Tat: And thus we see the essential differences between early Tor and BAEN! everything Tat added.

    Plus, there’s 3 suns and we can’t even get one Ting!?

    @BC: If she’s going to be wearing tight-fitting leather (or feathers, or both) and standing about in bodies of water*, and maybe in proximity to a blancmange, she’s liable to get an infection in that area. So your comment is correct.

    @B’man: it’s OK, the length of her ring finger makes up for it.

    *making her a watery tart with scimitar?**

    **some people say there’s a Simpsons’ quote for everything, and there ought to be after over 600 episodes. I say there’s a Python quote or two for everything, after only 45 episodes and 3 movies.

  12. Bruce A Munro Says:

    Ah, it’s tree branches. At first I thought it was some remarkably long waving ponytails or some such. (I’ve seen too much anime, I guess).

    @A.R.Yngve: cutting off the sun’s glowing balls?

    If those are suns, they’re waaay too close together, and the situation is unlikely to remain livable for long. Perhaps they’re actually your standard spherical glowing orb aliens, just arriving to share some condescending wisdom?

    (OTOH, it does look like a fantasy setting, so maybe those suns are only a few miles wide and guided through the heavens by a magical winged Unicorn or something)

    @GSS ex-noob: Is she a watery tart handing out swords, or a watery tart which just obtained one? Because it looks like she just pulled it from the water, unless she’s been (understandably) dragging it though the water and only just now found a reason to lift it up. (Off screen swamp monster?)

    @Paul, JuanPaul: looks more like a pink coverlet to me: perhaps she was wearing it because her thighs were cold.It seems to attach to her sleeves, somehow.

  13. Tat Wood Says:

    @GSS ex-Noob; Bruce A Munro: I think she’s more a moisome bint. Either way it’s no basis for a system of government.

    (If I were to think of a Python quote for this, though, it would be the discussion of things that sound ‘tinny’ and ‘woody’.)

  14. Tracy Says:

    It must have been published in the 1980s, hence that aerobics sweatband look.

  15. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @Tracy: The failed “Saturated Cape and Big Sword” workout. Nobody bought the video tape.

    @Bruce: Lots of woody and tinny things in this, yes.

    I’m a bit puzzled by the book numbering. This says 3, yet Wiki says the series comprises 5 volumes, while this has a 7 in the title and the first had a 6. Goodreads didn’t clear it up. Numeracy is obviously not important here.

  16. GSS ex-noob Says:

    In other news, someone’s (probably illegally) scanned in random issues of “Starlog” from the 80s and they are a gold mine. “Superman IV” is going to be good! Karen Allen will never play Marion again. That whole boring Trade Federation
    nonsense leading to the Emperor in the Star Wars prequels was in the original draft of the first movie, but got cut in rewrites (presumably when people could still tell Lucas when his ideas sucked).

    In book news:

    – there’s a passing mention of “The Windover Tapes” as being “popular”

    – an interview with Colin Wilson where he’s excitedly plugging his new book “Spider World”, wherein we learn that the immortal line “Not the bore-worms!” in “Flash Gordon” came from that due to his unused rewrite of FG. He’s also really proud of not having read any SF or seen any SF movies since 1945. Which explains why he thought writing 4 books about giant man-eating spiders was a great idea, one he hoped to be remembered for.

    He was right about how terrible the movie “Lifeforce” was, though. He’d planned a sequel to “Space Vampires” to be written with AE van Vogt, but that was abandoned after “Lifeforce”.

    Many other gems, and lovely memories.

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