May 26

My god... You're loincloth hides nothing... just kill me already...Click for full image

A huge hunky man with bulging muscles and a loincloth that just about covers his ass with a sword symbolically hanging down from it. Oh and have him holding a huge spear with his taught sweaty arms.Wait – better make this a little less fabulous – add in a dragon that he might be about to kill… or seduce….

Thanks to CSA!

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 7.85 out of 10)

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26 Responses to “Conan – The De…Bar….Poser”

  1. Tom Noir Says:

    Since this is a Conan cover, one could argue that it’s missing a woman in a chainmail bra, but really this is not too shabby.

  2. David Cowie Says:

    Shouldn’t “Would not like to be seen reading that” be attached to a higher score than 6/10?

  3. admin Says:

    Good point David! What do you think it should be? Swap it with 7?

    So it would be:

    6 Stars: Awfull…just awfull…
    7 Stars: Would not like to be seen reading that!

  4. David Cowie Says:

    I was thinking more of an 8.

  5. FearofMusic Says:

    Arnold on steroids wasn’t this big! The artist is obviously following the trope, and utterly unaware that musculature to that degree is actually counter-productive to wielding a sword. Check the trivia on Imdb for the first Conan mocie. ASchwarzenegger was unable to perform some of tbe basic techniques with his sword because he was excessively muscular.

  6. David Cowie Says:

    Sir Mix-A-Lot.

  7. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @TagWizard: we should have a Conan the Tag!

  8. FeàröfMusic Says:

    @His Ensorcelled Excellence, ye Tag Wizard:
    Or we could broaden it slightly and go with Supraroidal Physique.

  9. B. Chiclitz Says:

    I vote one of these:

    “Faux Conan”
    “Conan Wanabee”
    “Conan the Impostor”

  10. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @TW: there is a tag for Conan already, but it is awesomely underused.

  11. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @DeadStuff—In its own stiff and clunky way, that cover’s pretty good, at least compared to this travesty, and L. Sprague De Camp & Lin Carter at least tried to stay faithful to Howard’s style and vision. It’s the Bozo-conans that so annoy. (Preceding is pure editorial.)

  12. Tat Wood Says:

    @B.Chiclitz#9: ‘Conanists’?
    (Actually, the dragon-baiter’s right forearm is more developed than the left..)

  13. A.R.Yngve Says:

    Conan must’ve been a TERRIBLE tennis player. (Think about it…)

  14. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @TatW12—gong chimes, number counter spins dizzily up to “winner!”

    (I just figured the butt-end of the spear was so much heavier than the tip it dragged his left side down. So much for superhuman strength. Also I just realized the spear seems to passing behind his head. What’s up with that?)

  15. Rev Says:

    When Conan pulls that sword out, methinks the dragon will have a look of wide eyed amazement. I bet he does that at parties too.

  16. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @TW: this cover is tagged ‘dude’, but not ‘hunk’. Pray tell, has the ‘hunk’ tag been retired?

  17. Tag Wizard Says:

    @DSWBT – Since all hunks are dudes but not all dudes are hunks, it was decided in the Admin High Council to make a universal tag change.

  18. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @TW: thank you for clarifying!


    …just out of, you know, curiosity…

    …how would one know if one was a hunk? Uh, I’m asking on behalf of a friend.

  19. Tag Wizard Says:

    @DSWBT – We have retained the “hunkbutt” tag in case there is any ambiguity.

  20. anon Says:

    Well, at least this one is an actual Conan and not just somebody trying to screw you over.

  21. GSS noob Says:

    Is there a real Conan tag to go with Faux-nan?

    And I had no idea there were artificial steroids and HGH back in Ye Olde Tymes. They had to paint him with his arms up because someone built like that can’t put their arms down with hands touching their sides.

    Also, Conan appears to have skipped leg day every day. Absolutely no definition in anything below the waist (and that too, no snickering in the back row). I picture the dragon winning as Conan topples over from being so top-heavy. The dragon does seem to be peering at the lower body for … reasons.

    But he’s also got kind of an hourglass figure. And that sword must smack him in the butt whenever he runs, which he may enjoy.

  22. Bruce A Munro Says:

    Includes the classic “Conan gets real swole and fights a dragon or something!”

  23. GSS ex-noob Says:

    Maybe we’ve got it all wrong.

    Maybe the dragon is a judge at the Mr. Cimmeria pageant, and is inspecting Conan’s previously-mentioned legs. “Your Spear Pose is good, Mr. the Barbarian, but your leg definition is lacking..”

  24. Bruce A Munro Says:

    @GSS ex-noob: well, that does explain why he’s holding the spear not as throwing weapon but as if he’s trying to impress the dragon with his spear-bending abilities or perhaps challenging the dragon to a Robin Hood-vs-Little John type stick fight.

    (Wait a mo. Is the stick going _behind_ his head? I don’t think that works in terms of perspective – we have a code Escher, repeat, we have an Escher).

  25. Hammy Says:

    Is that a jaunty hip I spy, or is Mr. the Barbarian’s right hip being melted by the presence of spiky-ice-dragon?

  26. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @Hammy: I think he’s suffering from the overall effects of the Code Escher. Hard to tell with the furry half-loincloth, sword, bag, and spear pulling him at all those angles.

    @Bruce: I can picture having the spear behind his head for a beefcake pose. but not with his hands in that position. Unless he’s bent the spear to show how swole he is?

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