Jun 09

Worst date ever... and you call those flowers?!Click for full image

Richard Comments: I recently bought some books from the wonderful (and charming) Gwyneth Jones. Gwyneth’s site you should have a look; she gives the money less p&p to Amnesty and her books are tremendous. She signed the book with the message requested, but had also written notes about the cover art. In this one, “This delicious cover is my own fault, I talked to the artist. Never do that!” Not entirely sure what’s going on, though – it seems that Ben Affleck has really pissed off that woman.
Published 1997

First floating heads, now full bodies!
Many thanks to Richard!

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 7.83 out of 10)

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24 Responses to “Phoenix Cafe”

  1. cutmanmike Says:

    It’s missing something… Cat people?

  2. SI Says:

    No cat people. But slightly made up for by two people floating through the air in their basketball boots.

    She is clearly like, “You brought me to Paris?! I wanted Vienna dam it!”

  3. Ian Sales Says:

    Considering one of them seems to have coughed up a lung, they look remarkably unconcerned. Unless that’s Ben Affleck acting “excruciating pain”.

  4. SophaLoaf Says:

    “You are like SO converse when it’s all about the Reebok!”, says young Elizabeth Taylor.

  5. James Lovegrove Says:

    Floaty blue-dress woman looks like she’s got both feet crammed into a single oversized trainer. She might win a jumping race like that, but probably none of the approved Olympic track and field events.

  6. DeadRobot Says:

    Floaty Blue Dress Lady: Something’s come between us.

    Trainers Guy: It’s a lung alveoli.

  7. CSA Says:

    Ben Affleck: Well, whatever it is, I’m telling you, you’re not getting into Tesco dressed in a shower curtain and one big shoe.
    Floaty Blue Dress Lady: Well Ben, the Tescos story was a lie. We’re here in Paris because the people want to give you an award for your acting skills.
    Ben Affleck: Really?
    Floaty Blue Dress Lady: No

    (thats actually an excerpt from self directed “the what if Ben Affleck could fly movie”, Pheonix cafe is just the novelisation)

  8. SI Says:

    I’m also pretty sure the last time I checked the Arch De Triomphe isn’t surrounded by sky-scrapers. I’m picking yet again.

    James CSA > that one shoe thing is amazing. It has to be intentional.

    And yaayyy it’s the return of the what are they saying game. It’s been a while.

    Women: You know a modern day women expects her man to be a vampire.
    Man: I’m making you fly women! Fly! Through Paris!
    Women: The least you could do is be a bit emo about it.

  9. Tom Noir Says:

    He used his magic tree to levitate them above Paris, and she’s still mad that he forgot their anniversary.

    Typical woman.

  10. Adam Roberts Says:

    I’d like the author’s name shinier, please.

  11. Ron Obvious Says:

    So when Lifetime Channel and SyFy eventually merge, they will produce made-for-tv movies that look like that cover.

  12. hampshireflyer Says:

    But why are they sitting in a gigantic pair of perspex hands?

  13. Brian B Says:

    Are we sure that is Ben Affleck? Looks sort of like a young Keanu Reeves to me. Perhaps this is a romantic comedy reimagining of The Matrix?

  14. CSA Says:

    @hampshireflyer; well noticed, now i dont even think they are floating/flying I think they’re just REALLY big.

    Ben or Keanu, let’s call him Beanu, is quite comfortably sitting on that building.

  15. anon Says:

    That looks like a some early 90s new-age talk show directed by someone with a penchant for video effects. The title matches, too!
    What is this book about?

  16. andyl Says:


    It is the third book of her Aleutian Trilogy.

    The first book was a first contact story (sort of). The second showed the aliens at the height of their powers on Earth. This one is more about the disengagement from Earth. Each book is set about a hundred years on from the previous one.

    A superb trilogy in my view. Pretty poor covers.

  17. A.R.Yngve Says:

    What did the review copy mean by “hyper-imagined”…??

    Let me look up the relevant entry in my Dictionary of Convoluted Review-Speak:
    HYPER-IMAGINED (adjective) [haipör-edjektiv] – euphemism for “the person using this word is an incompetent wordsmith trying to cover it up by inventing shoddy expressions.”
    Ah, OK, now I get it.

  18. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Simone finally makes it to Paris! But it’s not everything she had hoped for.

    @TW: This cover might be tagged:

    haircut 100
    once you see it
    shiny oh so shiny

  19. B. Chiclitz Says:

    Good catch @A.R. Yngve. And is it any worse than “strenuously intelligent”? Appears The Observer requires that all of its reviewers be Mad Libs Masters.

  20. The Tag Wizard Says:

    Thanks Dead Stuff! This cover went up during one of my …. periods of absence. I’ve taken your “Once You See It” and transmogrified it into the slightly more mundane “Monuments”. Needs more orange to pass the Bay Test.

  21. Tom Noir Says:

    If anyone needs me, I’ll be over here hyper-imagining things.

  22. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @Tom: Strenuously intelligent things, no doubt.

  23. Anna T. Says:

    Given as how the woman has clearly lost her left leg to nefarious art, may I just say . . .

    @Tag Wizard, “Anatomical Issues”, please!

  24. GSS noob Says:

    Even granted it’s set in the future, why does future Paris have a huge suspension bridge? (horizon, center) And a bunch of multi-story buildings which are *shorter* than the Eiffel Tower and Arc de Triomphe? Less authentic than the Paris Hotel in Las Vegas — which perhaps is what the lady is saying.

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