Jun 20

RIGHT! Who brought me back after 500,000 years without a penis! WHO!?!Click for full image

Ian Comments: Reach for your gun! A man wearing nothing but a couple of spangly lights has just materialised and is scaring the women!
Published 1966

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 8.40 out of 10)

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52 Responses to “The Alien”

  1. A.R.Yngve Says:

    “There’s a naked man in our fondue!!”

  2. Claire Says:

    If he’s been brought back from extinction how come there are other men on the cover, and women? And wearing 60s revival garb? And they aren’t going to get far resurrecting the human race if he’s only got a sparkle instead of a winkle…

  3. THX 1138 Says:

    Yeah, I think we can all see why his race became extinct.

  4. SI Says:

    Come on now, it’s simply cold. That’s why it’s a twinkle instead of a flash!

    I might be killed for that joke.

  5. Phil Says:

    Wasn’t this guy a demigod just a few days ago? (

    They look a bit upset that he isn’t wearing a goldfish bowl. And that he’s arrived in the children’s paddling pool.

  6. A.R.Yngve Says:

    And Disney created Glitter Man.

  7. Joachim Says:

    He’s so big he’s clad with Nebulae!

  8. Dalton H. Says:

    Ending line,” Maybe were not so different after all. We might even be the same species!”

  9. Ian Says:

    I hate to burst their bubbles, but those clothes will not help in a vacuum. Unless those bubble helmets are designed to avoid kissing and stuff.

  10. fred Says:

    It appears back of head foreground guy is more interested in the women instead of Mr. Alien.

  11. A.R.Yngve Says:

    “500,000 years after the total extinction of his race for office, one man can be brought back to life; he is

  12. Tom Noir Says:

    Have you ever had that dream? The one where you’re back in your retro-futuristic high school and everyone is staring at you and all of a sudden you realize you’re wearing nothing but your nebulae?

  13. A.R.Yngve Says:

    Yep… and then the girls in their phony spacesuits start to point and giggle…

  14. James Says:

    New tag suggestions:
    Obscured Genitalia
    Imaginative Obscurement
    Nebula Balls
    Where’s Willy


  15. Jane Says:

    Those women are probably wearing the Playtex 18-hour girdle under their retro 60s chemises, which should provide sufficient protection against the vacuum of space..

  16. Don Hilliard Says:

    “Who are you people and why do I now have a glow-in-the-dark groin?”

  17. A.R.Yngve Says:

    I take my hat off to James at Post #18 — hands down, “Where’s Willy” made me ROTFL.

  18. Nix Says:

    Post 18? Do you have a time machine? ‘cos Post 18 doesn’t include the phrase “Where’s Willy’.


  19. SI Says:

    “500,000 years… and you expect me to wake up without a morning glory!?!”

  20. Tom Noir Says:

    “Why is everybody staring at my sparkles?”

  21. Tom Noir Says:

    Upon further inspection of the cover, I’m a little concerned about where the guy in the back is planning to put that rifle/probe/thing… and I think naked-sparkles-man should be too.

  22. Joachim Says:

    “Where’s Willy” — haha — it would be a very very common category of bad covers… that’s for sure…

  23. Smith Says:

    Isn’t that Lee Majors?

    Six million dollars – And all spent on vajazzle.

  24. Don Hilliard Says:

    @Smith: It’s actually Steve Holland, who modeled for enough SF/fantasy covers over a couple of decades that he’s probably going to get his own tag here at Good Show Sir! one of these days.

    (OK, in fairness, it’s him from the waist up at least…)

  25. Smith Says:

    @Don Hilliard

    Heh, that probably explains why he looks so familiar.

    Erm, facially I mean.

  26. Anti-Sceptic Says:

    Hmm…The Alien looks awful familiar…I got it. It’s Cornelius from Planet of the Apes!

    Somehow he’s managed to go back in time and father an ape-man from a human woman.

  27. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Center of the picture, holding the ‘laser’ gun: “My Gosh, Susan! What’s happened to that Alien’s buttocks?”

  28. FearofMusic Says:

    I wonder if the fact that he has no genitals might in some way play a part in why his race has been extinct for 500,000 years? The blurb certainly is not selling this book to me. Sounds like a frightfully dull reality show pitch to me.

    “Tune in for all the laughs, gaffs, and drama when The Allen, whose race died out 500,000 years ago tries to fit into the modern world!”

  29. Jaouad Says:

    But look at these people. They’ve evolved integrated fishbowl helmets. Clearly they’re much better adapted to living in space. No wonder his kind kicked the bucket.

  30. rev Says:

    Back of head foreground guy? Why does he exist? Is the artist simply showing his incredible range – backs as well as fronts of heads? Nobody does the backs.

  31. B. Chiclitz Says:

    He’s sporting the nebulae-as-underwear motif so as not to make the guys feel any worse than they already do. Clearly, from the expressions on the women, by the time 500,000 years had passed, all men had lost their penises. Then this throwback shows up with the old equipment (known only from the study of ancient texts and naughty wall carvings), and the ladies are—intrigued, as you can clearly tell by their facial expressions, which are, like,
    “Hmmmmmmmm, oh no! hmmmmmmmm, oh no! hmmmmmmmm, oh no! hmmmmmmmmmm . . . .”

  32. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    ‘500,000 years after the total extinction of their race, one infection can be brought back to life; they are


  33. anon Says:

    500,000 years after the total extinction of his race, one man can be brought back to life; he is the alien Raymond F. Jones’ classic of Science Fiction.

    Wouldn’t you too hate to be a classic of science fiction by some alien, nevermind being of an extinct race?

  34. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    The flash makes it look as though he has extraordinarily thin lower legs. And something is wrong with his right rotator cuff, it looks out of joint.

  35. fred Says:

    Six heads of hair and not a single blond/e?
    I shall refrain from mentioning a certain Mr. Blade in any way shape or form.

  36. Francis Boyle Says:

    Louis C.K.’s dream becomes his nightmare. It turns out that in the future women have the power to explode penises just by looking at them.

  37. B. Chiclitz Says:

    “Oh no! The alien is stomping all our grapes again. He’ll ruin the vintage. Shoot him, Bob, quickly!”

  38. Tat Wood Says:

    The galaxy’s most clueless male stripper shows up to work already naked, exposing his shortcomings.

    ‘Move on here, nothing to see’

  39. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @Tat: You put a smile on my face! 🙂 Are we sure he even showed up at the right party?

  40. Bibliomancer Says:

    Oh no! He’s going to bore us to death with stories about “you kids have it made, it was so bad 500,000 years ago we all went extinct”!

  41. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @B’mancer—well now I am smiling along with dead stuff! Good one.🙂

  42. JuanPaul Says:

    Guy shows up to paintball naked. Hard core.

  43. Tor Mented Says:

    I Have No Crotch So I Just Scream.

  44. Tat Wood Says:

    I’m puzzled by the fishbowl people. Five heads but only two faces. Is it cloning or have the cosmetic surgeons run out of ideas?

  45. GSS ex-noob Says:

    The “total extinction of his race”? All the people in bubble helmets look to be exactly the same species and race as him, and possibly descendants. The men might be somewhat less muscled, but maybe they’ve been busy working and breeding as opposed to spending their entire lives in the gym. And the tasteful sparkle smoke seems to show that he was using steroids to boot.

    Does he topple over dead (on his skinny legs) in the theoretical next picture due to something in the atmosphere that necessitated everyone else wearing helmets?

    His mighty loins are perilously close to displaying “Ting!”

    The ladies are not at all happy with his sparkle crotch and what may or may not be there.

  46. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    In this picture there are over forty penises.

    None of them can be seen.

    In The Alien, Raymond F. Jones tells you how not to be seen.

  47. GSS ex-noob Says:

    But he’s standing up! That’s one of the biggest contraindications in How Not To Be Seen, as we all learned from that documentary.

    The title is so awful in both font and coloring that my brain keeps refusing to see it. And it seems to have negative sparkles across it.

  48. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @GSS ex-circus: and, you’ll observe there’s a gentleman standing right behind him with a gun. 😉 Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m leaving for two weeks’ vacation.

  49. Tor Mented Says:

    All my children have been dead for 500,000 years, and they think THAT’S an excuse to never pick up the phone.

  50. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @DSWBpython: TWO gentlemen behind him with guns.

    So here’s today’s find of a Bad Self-Published Cover:

    Even more scary, it is a) apparently what you see on the tin, plot and quality-wise and b) chock full o’ religion. And of course it’s a trilogy.

  51. Tracy Says:

    I clicked on that. Captain CHAINSWORD the pirate? With first mate ANCHORDAGGER?

  52. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @Tracy: Sad but true. All that and preaching too.

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