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Sep 10

That depressing moment when you realise you have the power to control a single large insect...Click for full image

Lauren’s Art Direction: I want explosions! And glowing auras! And giant lizards in cloaks! And some hot kids who go to the gym on a regular basis! Oh, and throw in a scorpion, there’s a sale on the stock photo site.
Published 2011

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 8.92 out of 10)
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30 Responses to “Assassination Anxiety”

  1. THX 1138 Says:

    Ah, remember those playsets you used to get where you rubbed the transfers onto the background provided to create your own pictures of Star Wars or Batman or… sorry, just getting nostalgic.

  2. Jaouad Says:

    Assssssssination Anxiety
    The McNen2i2 Files
    Book Z

    Damn. Now I have to find books A-Y as well.

    And there’s something seriously wrong with those kids’ arms.

  3. SI Says:

    I’m vouching for the lizard man… He’s just out for a stroll around the ghetto and WHAM! Attacked by three crazyz teenagers.

  4. Jon Says:

    Published 2011? I would have guessed sometime in the 80s. This has all the feel of a Choose Your Own Adventure, or D.A.R.Y.L.

  5. Rachel J Says:

    This is probably neither here nor there– but that thing isn’t a scorpion. It appears to be a huntsman spider with a scorpion’s tail. Odd.

  6. A.R.Yngve Says:

    Let’s just say that I believe in the saying “Don’t judge a book by its cover” like I believe in Santa Claus.

  7. fred Says:

    Assassination anxiety? Just put on a pair of McKenzie jeans and unleash your inner Booth. (Caution – do not attempt – professional jeans models on a closed course)

  8. Jami Says:

    See, my first thought was that this was some sort of alternate universe for Saved By The Bell.

  9. Phil Says:

    THX 1138, I had exactly the same thought about those rub-on transfers. So much so that I did some research and found a whole website dedicated to such things. Enjoy:

    http://www.action-transfers.com/html/starwars/swmoseisley.shtml

  10. THX 1138 Says:

    @Phil: Letraset! Those were the guys! Thanks for the link! Ten minutes of play, but the fun, the artistry, the pride… lasted ten minutes. They were very moreish.

  11. Jerk of all Trades Says:

    I’d root for the Lizard Wizard and his minions to triumph in this battle, except for the fact that they don’t seem to be sharing the same spatial reality with those douchey kids.

  12. Jerk of all Trades Says:

    Hah! I have it now. This cover reminds me of a childrens’ came show I used to watch as a kid, where for the final round, the contestants got to play an arcade game from “inside” the video game — they were in front of a projection screen, or possibly some cheap-o green screen was used, I don’t remember.
    Aside from the contestants always doing kind of badly because they were doing a lot of jumping and ducking while playing a game they could only see by looking up at the monitor in front of them, the thing about that show that stood out most was the kid standing out against the game-backdrop.

    This looks a lot like that.

  13. Tat Wood Says:

    @Jerk of All Trades: Knightmare? Are we talking early 80s and broadswords against skeletons sort of thing?

  14. Anti-Sceptic Says:

    Lizard man: “Puny human, your blue-ray has no effect on me. I am already blue…Hahahaha!”

  15. Don Hilliard Says:

    @Phil and THX1138: You had to say something! We had the same thing in the US, and I had to hunt down the name (which wasn’t Letraset and which I couldn’t remember either.)

    Appropriately for this cover, it was Presto Magix.

    (Seldom found in toy shops. Always found in drugstores and gas stations.)

    Something seems to have gone wrong with the kids’ forcefield/time bubble, because Zappy the Wonder Teen’s left leg appears to be on backwards.

    And I’ll agree with the “font problems” tag only because Countdown font does not deserve to be printed in beige and then airbrushed.

  16. Jerk of all Trades Says:

    @Tat

    I think the show I saw was called Nick Arcade, but yeah, it was a lot like your description.

  17. Hep C Says:

    Am I the only one who can’t stop staring at what appears to be a turtle with insect wings? And a helmet. And antennas. And then there’s a spider with a piece of intestine stuck on its back.

    Also, thins is either a movie set, or that girl’s got super human strength or something, judging on how she is holding that big block of cement.

  18. Hep C Says:

    Damn, how did I miss it? Is that an impaled armadillo?

  19. Lilah Says:

    This cover just screams “self-published”.

  20. David Cowie Says:

    Teal and orange.

  21. Herm Says:

    Argh, the poses… why are they all so awful and wooden and flat? I want that lizard as a pet, though.

  22. anon Says:

    “After putting the effort trying to decipher the text written with this nearly-unreadable font, no one’s going to bother looking at the pictures. Put a blue salamander man and an insect glowing red and three teenagers on a street. Oh, and a power ring shooting something blue. That’ll do.”

  23. Anna T. Says:

    My eyes are burning at the Photoshop fail I see before me. Ow.

  24. Bibliomancer Says:

    Is it Assassinaion Ankiety: The McKenzie Files or Assassination Anxiety: The McXenzie Files?

    We have the mother or all “font problems” book cover.

  25. fred Says:

    Colossus: The Forbin Project Font.

  26. GSS ex-noob Says:

    This is certainly… special.

    I might read it as

    A88888IN8TION

    Or possibly an A followed by 5 dice which are showing the two pip side.

    Also McXenzie, for sure.

    Perhaps the font problem was an attempt to distract from the bad MS Paint graphics made out of the less-desirable leftovers from a few Colorforms sets. Blind you with the letters, maybe you won’t notice the pictures.

  27. Tracy Says:

    This is one of the most horrible covers I’ve ever seen.

    This is a description of the book–

    “The three captured and reprogrammed Brelac Reploids have proved their worth to the Protectorate in a fierce battle against the powerful cybernetic weapon Succubus, developed by traitorous Dr. Fenlow. The Reploids, commissioned to form a special unit known as the Silencers under the jurisdiction of the military’s Central Intelligence Division, are back on Maseklos Prime, working at menial jobs while the CID keeps a close eye on them. That changes when President Drennan is almost killed in a bizarre assassination attempt.

    Colin McKenzie and his team are ordered to uncover whoever’s behind the assassination attempt and to find and destroy the frightening weapons responsible for the horrible death and destruction at the President’s last election campaign address. After the first attempt on the President’s life, it’s certain more are sure to follow.

    Meanwhile, Colin remains curious and wary about his dark past as a Vendetta operative formerly working against the Protectorate. The more he learns about his previous life, the less he likes it. Even more worrisome is the odd dreams he’s been having.

    As Colin, Diane, and Kelly chase leads in their case, they realize they may be up against unstoppable weapons – but they are the Protectorate’s only hope.”

    Gee I never would’ve guessed!

    The first book in the series actually had a pretty decent cover, even if by the description it’s not my cup of tea.

    http://bookreviewuniverse.com/mckenzie-files-barry-k-nelson/

    I wonder what happened?

  28. JuanPaul Says:

    @tracy “menial jobs”? It looks like they just got off their shifts at the Gap. Explains a lot.

  29. A.R.Yngve Says:

    You’d never see a book series with the title “The Podznofsky Files”. Just sayin’.

  30. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @AR: I believe that Dr. J. R. Asimov wrote The Podznofsky Files. Although it’s never been published, both Alice Munro and John Updike called the handwritten manuscript ‘…the best thing we have ever read, and we are John Updike and Alice Munro, like it says on our name tags, and you should take everything we say very seriously.’

    Edit: in fact. Dr. J. R. Asimov wrote The Podznofsky Flies and I apologise most humbly for the confusion.

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