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Mar 08

Is.. that a pair of socks in your spandex?Click for full image

MisterBOB’s Art Direction: Its magical, so it glows, right! And have some chick pointing to a unicorn. No boobs! Bums are in.
Published 1989

I’m not so sure thats a chick MisterBOB!

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 8.66 out of 10)
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49 Responses to “Elf Defence”

  1. Adam Roberts Says:

    Is ‘ELF’ one of those text-message acronyms, like ‘WTF’? Because, you know, I look at this cover and I think to myself … WTF?

  2. SI Says:

    “No.. bad unicorn.. BAD! Go and play with another virgin.. GO!”

  3. THX 1138 Says:

    Man, David Bowie’s career really hit the skids after Labyrinth, did it?

  4. Bibliotropic Says:

    Geez, those pants could just be painted on!

  5. Neville Says:

    A fall sunrise in New England is so beautiful, with the red leaves and the radioactive glowing androgynous fighting royalty and town squares and livestock.

  6. A.R.Yngve Says:

    For THX1138, sing along:


    Let’s prance!
    put on your elvish tights and dance in blue
    Let’s prance!
    In our fairy get-up, why not add a tutu
    Let’s pray
    That that unicorn won’t get mad and skewer you
    Let’s mince!
    Under the moonlight, the fantasy moonlight…

  7. Dave Van Domelen Says:

    That’s not a chick. It’s a dude. Well, as “dude” as elves can get.

  8. Amy Says:

    Cry in a corner, left-handed emo elf king. No one likes your spandex pants. Put down the sword and go sell some fingerless gloves on Etsy.

  9. Evad Says:

    Even the unicorn has a look of disbelief.

  10. Jennifer Says:

    I didn’t think she was pointing at the unicorn. I thought that was her “defence”.

    Elf: “GET THEE HENCE, UNICORN!”
    Unicorn: o.O

  11. Infidel753 Says:

    Maybe it’s just my screen, but it looks to me like there’s a reddish stain on his/her ass. Maybe he/she just got prodded by the unicorn.

    Would a guy wear shoes like that? Even an elf?

  12. NGpm Says:

    The unicorn looked at David Bowie and said, “You remind me of a babe.”

    “What babe?” asked Bowie, to which the unicorn responded, “The babe with the power.”

  13. Scott B Says:

    I do believe “It’s magical, so it glows” applies here to the town, and to the unicorn, and to the elf-ass.

  14. Phil Says:

    S/he is saying, “Unicorn, you’re fired!”

    I look forward to reading the sequels:

    Elf & Safety
    Elf Service
    NATIONAL Elf Service
    Elf Absorbed
    Elf Aggrandisement
    In Sickness and in Elf
    Elf Abuse

  15. A.R.Yngve Says:

    “Sit! SIT!! Damn unicorn, sit or you won’t get a carrot!”

  16. Dalton H. Says:

    Even Stephen King couldn’t come up with something this crazy to happen in Maine.

  17. SophaLoaf Says:

    Think you miss one, Phil.

    “Elf Harm”

  18. A.R.Yngve Says:

    “A magical new fantasy by […]” sounds SLIGHTLY less inept than…

    – “A rational new fantasy by”

    – “An agnostic new fantasy by”

    – “A magical but overripe fantasy by”

    – “An unholy new fantasy by”

    etc…

  19. GK Says:

    What happens if you touch the tip of a unicorn’s horn?

  20. Mark V Thomas Says:

    Here are a couple of more entries for the “Most Dire Elf Related Puns Ever…” Contest, we now seem to be running here…
    “Elf Care”
    “Elf Esteem”
    “Elf Aggrandisement”
    “Elf Expression”
    “Elf Help Group”
    “Elfy Eating” (this one is truly dire, but I couldn’t resist making it…)

  21. Phil Says:

    Repetition! I’d already had ELF AGGRANDISEMENT. And I feel compelled to add:
    Elf Taught, Elf Starter, and for those who remember the 1966 World Cup: Elf Ramsay.

    Thankyou and good night!

  22. Mark V Thomas Says:

    Tsk, Tsk, Tsk, Phil….
    I now feel compelled to add these dire puns to the list…
    Elf Control
    Elf Destruct
    Elf & Efficiency
    Elf Love

  23. Don Hilliard Says:

    @Phil: Wot, no Elf Garnett?

  24. Phil Says:

    OK, Elf Garnett as well.

    And not forgetting the Jack Douglas-inspired ELF IPPITITIMUS.

  25. The Author Says:

    You know what? Elf you guys.

  26. SI Says:

    Elf tastic!

    We need to restart our search for Elf related puns and twists!

  27. FeàrofMusic Says:

    Boy, baby definitely got no back. That is about as flat as an ass can get. Elf or not. Another freakin’ unicorn. They’re like the cockroaches of fantasyland. Can’t seem to get rid of the darn things. Instead of elf defence, how about some unicorn repellent spray. Obviously the early prototype isn’t working here.

  28. rev Says:

    Elf Efficacy
    Elf ‘Azard
    Elf Resco
    Elf Alpha

  29. DaveM Says:

    “Go away Unicorn, I keep telling you I’m not a virgin”

    “No, really! I totally got laid ages ago! It was at this umm party with umm this girl, and really it totally happened”

  30. Tom Noir Says:

    I hear this author is a real elf starter.

  31. Tat Wood Says:

    Now we know what the Laughing Gnome was laughing at.

  32. Bibliomancer Says:

    Hunkbutt or Sir-Mix-A-Lot?

    After Cinatis I just don’t know anymore.

  33. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    ‘When the elven king Kelerison arrives in Godwin’s Corners, Connecticut to reclaim the mortal woman who fled from him, he finds himself face to face with a formidableand unexpectedopponent: divorce lawyer Sandra Horowitz.’

    I think we can file this one under both ‘artistic failure’ and ‘art direction failure’. This sort of a book calls for wacky hijinx on the cover, not…whatever this may be.

  34. Alice Says:

    Unicorn: “I’m standing here beside my elf.”

  35. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @Alice: if he’d half a chance, he’d ask Connecticut to dance, but he’s dancing with his elf. Oh, oh!

  36. Alice Says:

    @DS – Billy Idylls!

  37. B. Chiclitz Says:

    I think he’s had an accident, you know, “down there.”

  38. fred Says:

    Bad luck to point at a unicorn. You might get trapped in a crap book cover illustration for all of eternity.

  39. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @fred—It’s even worse when you point at a Unicorns!

  40. Raoul Says:

    Bad luck to Exclamation Point! at Unicorns!

  41. JuanPaul Says:

    They’re playing ring toss. Elf just missed badly.

  42. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @JP: So badly, in fact, that the hoop has twisted in on itself and is hovering in midair below the title.

  43. B. Chiclitz Says:

    ELF DEFENCE
    “A magical new strategy for achieving a .500 record, someday, by the NEW YORK KNICKS.

  44. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @DSWBT: Yeah, this does not look like quippy snarky fantasy. I do not get the sense that wacky hijinx will ensue at any time. Maybe the hijinx can only ensue when Unicorns! aren’t around, and thus our flat-ass elf is saying “Shoo! You’ll ruin the wacky!”

    Elf Kings: ultimate white boys — skinny, blond hair, blue eyes, palest white skin, and absolutely no butt.

  45. DaveM Says:

    I think his (?) sword acts as a communications device as well.
    Yep, he’s taking an ELFIE.

  46. GSS ex-noob Says:

    ♬ What’s it all about, Elfie? ♬

  47. GSS ex-noob Says:

    I think the overly-long title of this one says it all.
    Actually, I think it says too much.

    https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00LPPDRSG/

  48. RachelJ Says:

    @GSS ex-noob #47. Ah, but what you’re looking at there is an automatic No 1. bestseller: Historical Paranormal Romance with a Pirate Shape-Shifter Dragon with a Witch Mate Category.

    I mean, unless someone else writes one too. Could happen, I suppose…

  49. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @Rachel: I fear there are at least a dozen, but I’m not gonna check. It could be some hot new category we’ve never heard of. I’m fine not knowing.

    But wow. Someone really played Buzzword Bingo and wrote them all in. On a dare, or to try to invent a new category to be #1 in?

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