May 30

Based on the legendary Bob Hope Bing Crosby movie classicClick for larger image

GSS ex-noob Comments: Tank menaces toddler with a big gun turret! Of course the toddler has a gun too, we’re BAEN. Nah, the fonts don’t matter.

[I took your suggestion, Ms Xnob, and replaced your original with a shiny new internet grab. — T. Wizard]

Published 2004

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 8.89 out of 10)

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27 Responses to “The Road to Damascus”

  1. THX 1138 Says:

    Chuck Norris: The Kindergarten Years.

  2. THX 1138 Says:

    What is the beloved star of TV’s Dynasty being called in the tagline?

  3. fred Says:

    The Road to Damascus is paved with the hulks of bolo babysitters.

  4. Tom Noir Says:

    So shiny! So chrome!

  5. JuanPaul Says:

    The new road to Damascus is going right through your house, kid.

  6. B. Chiclitz Says:

    You hear? Come on!
    I take you all to fucking hell!

    Who you think you fucking with?

    I’m Tony Montana!

    You fuck with me,
    you fucking with the best!

    (Multiple gunshots)

    I’m still standing

    Come on! I take your fucking bullet!
    You think you kill me with bullets?
    I take your fucking bullets! Go ahead!

  7. David Van Domelen Says:

    And as with pretty much all weird Baen covers, it’s honest. The Bolo having its crisis of faith may not be right up on the doorstep like this, but it does find itself confronted by a child with a toy gun.

  8. Tor Mented Says:

    Reflections don’t work like that. Also notice a portrait of the painter’s pet kitty at the far right center.

  9. Bibliomancer Says:

    Just noticed the evil child has wasted three soldiers already. Should I be rooting for the tank?

  10. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @Tag W: Thanks! (But don’t I have a tag?) Puss in Boots look

    I was thinking a few days ago that we hadn’t had any BAEN!pew pew orange font abuse in quite some time and was hoping to see some soon, whether my submissions or anyone else’s.

    @THX: I hope the beloved star of TV’s Dynasty sued whoever this “author” is for bringing disrepute to the name. Mud wrestling with Joan Collins is fine; writing a book with OH JOHN RINGO NO is quite beyond the pale.

    @Tor: Is that Orson the cat? He’s been on a lot of covers, and is usually the best thing about them.

    @B’mancer: I am absolutely rooting for the tank. It should run right over the evil child and on through the house and track down any relatives of this kid and get rid of them too.

    Presumably the boy was intended to be heroic? I only noticed he was 1) creepy and 2) uber-macho-Aryan.

    Does BAEN!explosions and overcompensation get a discount on orange ink? Do they get it free with all the terrible fonts they use, as part of a package deal on cover stuff rejected by all the other publishers?

    Eh, it’s not like this is happening in this universe. Those reflections are completely impossible with the way light behaves in ours. Apparently Mr. Mattingly skipped those classes at UAI, or else they don’t teach it there. But in MY house, we obey the laws of physics, mister.

  11. GSS ex-noob Says:

    Hey, just noticed the “bear-wielding” tag. Delightful. I feel like there must be other instances of this, but I never have figured out how to get any search working here.

  12. Tag Wizard Says:

    @GSSxN – Yes you have a tag but you only get to use it when YOU are in the picture. Else I’d have to give all you clowns your own tag.

  13. Hammy Says:

    @Tag Wizard (#12) –

    I diffidently point out that there already is a “clown” tag, as displayed on this classic

    as well as a “clowns” tag

  14. Tag Wizard Says:

    @Hammy – You da clown

  15. Tat Wood Says:

    If this is how they re-imagine Sendak, I dread to imagine how they’d do the Gruffalo.

  16. Ashley Lambert-Maberly Says:

    And who the heck wrote this? John Ringo? Linda Evans? Keith Laumer? I’m very confused!

  17. Yoss Says:

    @Tor Mented
    Too funny, I just noticed a hidden cat head in another of Mattingly’s covers, The Privateer by S.M. Stirling. It makes me wonder how many others might be hidden in his paintings.

  18. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @TW: I forgot. I suspect I’ll never be in another photo. Of course, I didn’t expect to be in the ones I was, so…

    @Ashley (16): I suspect it was written by Linda Evans, from an outline and some sexist suggestions by OH JOHN RINGO NO, based on the decent original idea/series by Keith Laumer, said idea dumbed down and made tackier by OH JOHN RINGO NO. That’s how these things usually go, with that sort of billing.

  19. Hammy Says:

    @TagWizard (#14)

    You know, I hear that a lot…. 😉

  20. Tor Mented Says:

    @Yoss (#17) Yes, I definitely see the cat now. Although it looks like Mattingly might have tried to tone it down a bit after Baen caught him trying to sneak it in.

  21. GSS ex-noob Says:

    Basically the polar opposite of this book, I show you The Mermaid Menace, Part Whatever:

    Yes. ALL the critters with each other. In high school.

  22. Longtime_Lurker Says:

    Jeez, and I thought a lady with three boobs was weird!

  23. Ray P Says:

    When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man I put away childish things.

  24. GSS ex-noob Says:

    Oh, hey, wouldn’t that Canadian classic THE BEAR deserve the “bear-wielding” tag?

    I’m still keeping an eye out on Random Terrible Covers to see if I spot any more brandished bears.

  25. A.R.Yngve Says:

    “Guns don’t kill people. Toddlers kill people.”

  26. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @ARY: Sadly true in the US.

  27. GSS ex-noob Says:

    I’ve spent almost 2 weeks looking for another example of “bear-wielding” and I think I found it:

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