Jul 29

The real lynx effect....Click for full image

Tom Noir’s Art Direction: Okay, this is a Celtic fantasy, so obviously we want a buff surfer dude who is spaced out of his gourd. What? I dunno, put him in a kilt or something. You figure it out, that’s what you’re paid for isn’t it? Anyhow, magic it up. Slap a shiny silver border on with the author’s name in a clashing red font to distract suspicious readers. Anyhoo, I gotta jet, it’s 4:20.
Published 1993

Many thanks to Tom!

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 8.74 out of 10)

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37 Responses to “The Paradise War”

  1. cutmanmike Says:

    Your BO has to be pretty damn immense if it’s visible and forms the shape of a sleeping old man

  2. SI Says:

    Took me a while to figure out what the book title was and what the name of the series was. I got it wrong first time.

    Imagine going to a ceilidh dressed like that… you would be legendary!

  3. SI Says:

    Oh… And possibly… thrown out…

  4. Adam Roberts Says:

    Originally titled: I Can Fart Out Of My Pecs!

  5. Brian B Says:

    Ah, I notice this guy has a pullet (perm-mullet). He must use some pretty awesome hair product to keep his manly curls in that sauna. On another note, don’t you hate when you go the sauna and all they have for a towel is a kilt and there is a creepy old guy in there trying to look up it?

  6. Brian B Says:

    Here is the other pullet I was thinking of; these guys must use the same stylist.

  7. A.R.Yngve Says:

    I assume that editors try to make heroic images which the readers, the target audience, want to identify with.

    So the target audience in this case may be:

    A) Unemployed 80s rock bands;

    B) Stoners.

    C) Ice hockey players

  8. SophaLoaf Says:

    Wow these Lawhead books! I know know who they might me marketed to… (Grrrrrrowl!)

  9. Kathleen Says:

    so he trades his kilt for a silver hand? whom among us would not choose the same

  10. Tom Noir Says:

    @Kathleen: Let he who is without kilt cast the first stone!

  11. JoshG Says:

    He’s sprung a leak and is starting to deflate!

  12. Don Draper's Blood Alcohol Level Says:

    Centaurs with mini-centaur hands are underrepresented in this cover. Does Mark Wahlberg know his image has been used?

  13. Don Hilliard Says:

    The torporous expression and the light sheen of sweat on kilt-boy might suggest the answer to the classic question, “Do you smoke after sex?”

    MIGHT. Were it not for the slumbering old geezer in the corner. That way lies madness.

  14. e.lee Says:

    Vicks Vapour Rub Even Revives Stone Dead Wizards!

  15. anon Says:

    “Doctor, you gotta help me! My chest leaks! It looks a bit like water and it contains this old geezer! Passed-out from drinking!”
    “How could you possibly know that?”
    “He has a red nose!”
    “Tell you what, lay off the wacky tobaccy for a week and let’s see if the problem persists.”

  16. Tom Noir Says:

    I just like this because it’s such a vivid illustration of ‘old person smell’.

  17. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    ‘Welcome to Ink Exchange, young man. What can we do for you today?’

    ‘Well, I’d like some doodles all over my arms that don’t look really that Celtic when you look at them…and one on my pectorals so it makes my right manboob seem to be casting shadow and twice any normal human size…and maybe one here, by my naughty bits…but don’t make them to clear. And leave lots and lots and lots of space in between them.’

    ‘All right, young fellow. Step over here by the quartz crystals and Old Man Butler will get started on you.’

    ‘Ah, isn’t he rather…dead…at the moment?’

    ‘He tattoos with the power of his mind, young fellow. The power of the mind, and vaguely avian clouds.’


  18. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    The kid from On Wings of Song hunked out!

  19. A.R.Yngve Says:

    “Tonight on 60 Minutes, we blow the lid off the steroid industry. We’re naming names, and the shocking truth comes out: Steroids are just so much hot air.”

  20. GSS noob Says:

    Old fellow’s crotch connected to buff young’un’s chest through a stream of white. Uh-huh. That’ll cost you, even in San Francisco.

  21. Bruce A Munro Says:

    Llyrrrrrh of the Centaur Hand tried to awaken the sleeping wizard by emitting clouds of testosterone directly from his pectoral muscles, but failed, leaving him temporarily unmanned.

  22. THX 1139 Says:

    King Leer vs Hunky Hamlet!

  23. Verylatetotheparty Says:

    I suppose the ancient warrior life would keep you quite toned, so I don’t mind the muscles too much, but the frequent surfer dude suntan these kind of covers give to supposedly Celtic heroes is annoying. Maybe the wizard has gone into a deep mystic trance to give him an enchanted ectoplasmic fake tan.

    Billy Connolly – ‘Being Scottish, I’m sort of pale blue. I have to be on holiday for a week just to look white.’

  24. fred Says:

    Song? A random George Michael hit covered by Madness.

  25. JuanPaul Says:

    “Wow, that Lysol injection seems to be working! The Covid is literally spraying out of my lungs!”

  26. Francis Boyle Says:

    Wow, these Glade novelty plugins are sure getting fancy.

  27. NomadUK Says:

    Was going to formulate something good and naughty involving a money shot, but @GSS noob has beaten (no pun intended) me to it.

  28. Tat Wood Says:

    I hate to be the one who brings this up but does the author have any idea what ‘Albion’ means and why kilts and Maori tattoos don’t entirely fit?

    (Unless, of course, he’s just a very confused West Brom supporter.)

  29. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @Tat: My thought exactly about the tats. Now, a quick Google says the story starts in Scotland, which is called “Alba” in Gaelic. So, kilts maybe, but not Maori tats, and somewhat ignorant of what “Albion” refers to nowadays… and the book’s characters all have Welsh names!

    In any case, anyone from those islands doesn’t have that tan.

    The covers of the Kindle editions are Generic Celtic Knot With Fire.

    @NomadUK: Believe me, I had the same thought upon seeing this again. How did this ever get onto a cover?

    @Francis: LOL.

    @Admin and Tag: I used to be annoyed by the flashback posts, but now they serve a useful purpose in that I know this is Friday.

    And a happy Beltaine to whatever generic Celt these people are.

  30. Bruce A Munro Says:

    @VerylatetotheParty: it’s always sunny in Tir Na Nogelphia?

    (Not that would help a lot of northern Celtic types, who don’t so much as tan as take on a complexion describable as “heavily freckled lobster.”)

  31. Verylatetotheparty Says:

    @Bruce: Exactly right. I’d prefer his ‘pullet’ to be ginger as well.

  32. GSS ex-noob Says:

    If he’s Welsh, the permullet being brown is fine.

    But he’d still not tan.

    I guess it’s Magick. At least that would be a less-embarrassing interpretation of what the old man’s doing.

    I have enough middle European to tan slightly, if I’m very careful. Mr. xn is Irish and Northern English, and gets a sunburn if he stands in front of the microwave too long. If only the Irish freckles could all join up, he’d have a splendid tan.

  33. Tat Wood Says:

    @GSS ex-noob: Have you met anyone from Wales? They are predominantly swarthy and dark and tan very easily. Look at Tom Jones.

    I find your skin-colour assumptions a bit weird. Try watching TOWIE.

  34. B. Chiclitz Says:

    There was a time, in certain circles, where the word Albion was never used without the adjective “perfidious” preceding it. Unfortunately for us Yanks, the phenomenon may have migrated to this side of the Atlantic.

  35. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @Tat: Judging by the Amazon summary, our hero is a modern-day American, so his ethnic background could be anything. The permullet and tan are explained. Being as this is in The Ancient Magick Times, the melanin levels and solar radiation are also variable.

    And the only Welshman I knew well was completely ginger and pale.

    Dig the audiobook cover. Embarrassing in different ways.

  36. Verylatetotheparty Says:

    @GSSxn: I didn’t know the hero was supposed to be a modern day American back in the Celtic Magicky-Sword-Fighty age, with a time-traveller-tan. Explains why he’s a different colour from the wizard at least.

  37. JuanPaul Says:

    I think if this were happening to me, my expression would be that of screaming.

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