Tom Noir Comments: The smirk on this fellow’s face says, “Underneath this desk, I’m not wearing trousers.” Because when you’re a dinosaur sea-captain with a fancy sash, who’s going to make you?
Published 1992
Alessandra’s Art Direction: I want a couple of giant kids, way too big for the architecture they’re in. I want the architecture to be real crazy, too, to make no sense in terms of scale or perspective or anything. Make the kids skinny, but make their heads real big and make sure the girl has lots of eye makeup and styling mousse. Dress ’em in brightly-colored vaguely medievalish clothes like you see on Robin Hood on TV, or at Medieval Times or something.
Published 1995
Tom Noir’s Art Direction: Now look Horne, you’re a good artist, but you’ve got a thing or two to learn. See, this cover of yours, it’s just not realistic. Does this guy look like he just walked out of an explosion? No. He still has body hair. The fire would have burned it all off! Take this back and I don’t want to see it again until it looks like he’s fresh from a wax job.
Published 1994
Scott B’s Art Direction: OK, I want a triad of spiritual guru, alien Venus, and bull-man, linked by a strip of computer punch tape (futuristic!). Also, it must have a hummingbird-whale. I insist.
Published 1977
Tom Noir’s Art Direction: Okay, this is a Celtic fantasy, so obviously we want a buff surfer dude who is spaced out of his gourd. What? I dunno, put him in a kilt or something. You figure it out, that’s what you’re paid for isn’t it? Anyhow, magic it up. Slap a shiny silver border on with the author’s name in a clashing red font to distract suspicious readers. Anyhoo, I gotta jet, it’s 4:20.
Published 1993
Many thanks to Tom!
Tom Noir’s Art Direction: Okay, this book is heroic Celtic fantasy, but the question is how do we sell it to the ladies? I’ll tell you how: full frontal nudity. What do you mean we can’t – okay, fine. Throw some strategically placed splashes over it to please the censors. But just so people get the picture, fill the remaining cover space with pictures of swords.
Published 1993
You might remember this from here.
Seriously, why do all these guys shave their body hair?
Amazing! Many thanks to Tom!
What if we go for something that’s kind of a cross between art and an eighties music video? We’ll have flaming eye balls and some women with retro make-up playing with her magical sticks. Then just pack any text at the top and if we can, make it like an ancient scroll banner. Classy.
So I was like playing this game…for my computer…. and then role-playing it later…. and like all we did was like, totally drink beer and fight elves. I’d like some huge tankards and fringes please!
Shoulder pads, parachuter’s with lugers, Nazi’s fighting villagers, lens flare oh lots of lens flare which obviously symbolises magic, leather, sweat bands, …. did I mention shoulder pads?
(Have a great easter weekend! This bends our rules seeing as it is part of a franchise, but come on this one is so worth it! Enjoy!)
Thanks so much to CSA!
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