Mar 30
Alessandra’s Art Direction: Like early Dungeons and Dragons manual covers, but cruder, with an astronaut threatening Godzilla with a giant pencil tied to a notepad on his back. Oh, and a chick on an altar wearing a skintight rosy pink bodysuit, because this is spiritual writing, darnit!
Published 1996
(Average: 8.54 out of 10)
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March 30th, 2012 at 10:13 am
Isn’t this one of those Choose Your Own Adventure books? Or was it originally used as the cover to a ZX Spectrum text adventure? Because nothing about it says 1996, and that exasperated woman knows it.
March 30th, 2012 at 10:15 am
I sing the body draconic. Immaculate. Thank you. Thank you.
March 30th, 2012 at 10:29 am
Jaw, meet floor.
*CLUNK*
:-O
March 30th, 2012 at 10:30 am
Seriously: 1996?? You’ve gotta be kidding us!
March 30th, 2012 at 10:40 am
I thought I would never sense that feeling again… You know, that body electric feeling. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
March 30th, 2012 at 10:45 am
This wasn’t a proper book though, was it? You know, sold in shops and that sort of thing? Surely it was just printed up on a Dot Matrix Printer and this front cover was done by Steve Stanton’s older brother with learning difficulties, right? right?
March 30th, 2012 at 11:16 am
@mrhairyman: Photo taken at my local Powell’s Used Books. I t was professionally bound and had an ISBN and web presence (one example at http://www.christian-fandom.org/sf/stanton1.html ) and I thought, I have to share this.
The author’s work is also in an anthology edited by Nalo Hopkinson. He’s for real.
March 30th, 2012 at 11:53 am
OK, it’s a real book, but that doesn’t mean I don’t expect to see Kevin Toms’ face looming out of the screen when Football Manager is Monday’s cover.
March 30th, 2012 at 12:11 pm
@Alessandra Kelley – I hear what you say, and I don’t doubt it, but I’m having such a hard time believing that this isn’t a self published book by Steve Stanton aged 9 3/4.
March 30th, 2012 at 12:15 pm
@Alessandra: I can just imagine…
“…eh, you buy books…”
“What? You’ll have to speak up, sir.”
“I, ah, sorry. Sorry. Ahem. You do buy books here?”
“Well, of course, sir. We’re a used book shop. What have you to sell?”
“Ah, before we get to that…do you ever…I don’t suppose you would…just…take a book, like?”
“What sort of book? Fiction? Cook-book?”
*hands it over*
“I’ll have to check with my manager, sir. Can you hold on to this for one moment?”
March 30th, 2012 at 3:02 pm
I concur with @Smith. This looks like something that was done for a class project.
A 3rd grade class project.
If there were tanks or fighter jets, it would be complete.
March 30th, 2012 at 3:07 pm
Maybe it was an award-winning artsy-fartsy mural at one time in some city or town we’ve never heard of. Yeah, it looks more like 1966 pulp than 1996… gulp!
March 30th, 2012 at 3:35 pm
Alessandra gets 50 cool points for referencing the original D&D manual covers. Which were AWESOME.
March 30th, 2012 at 3:40 pm
I can’t even rip on this one in good conscience. I just get the feeling that it was drawn by an enthusiastic kid. Who am I to crush their young dreams?
Keep up the good work, Timmy!
March 30th, 2012 at 4:53 pm
According to his Wikipedia page, Mr Stanton founded ‘Skysong Press’ himself. I suspect that back in 1988 this was a much bigger deal than it is today, but it makes this book basically self-published.
And I mean, that title font… it hurts my eyeses!
March 30th, 2012 at 6:06 pm
If this wasn’t a part of a series it should have been. Den, Attic, Foyer, Linen Closet, Game Room, Garage. He could have been the print equivalent of Lord British and retired a millionaire.
March 30th, 2012 at 9:53 pm
@fred: think of all of the alliterative possibilities!
IN THE ATTIC OF THE ANTEATER
IN THE FOYER OF THE FRUIT FLY
IN THE LINEN CLOSET WITH LES CLAYPOOL
March 30th, 2012 at 10:31 pm
Oh fun!
In the Garage of the Griffin
In the Bathroom of the Basilisk aka Commode of the Cockatrice
March 31st, 2012 at 12:12 am
I love how the Christian Fandom page is a placeholder…from 2005. Guess no one was inspired by the interview to add a review.
March 31st, 2012 at 7:32 am
I thought child labor was illegal.
March 31st, 2012 at 4:06 pm
I’ll join in.
In the Ante-room of the Antelope
In the Conservatory of the Cockatiel
In the Library of the Llama.
April 1st, 2012 at 4:18 am
In the Vestibule of the Viper
In the Bonus Room of the Boa Constrictor
In the Cellar of the Centipede
April 1st, 2012 at 8:37 pm
Looks like he got enough of these out there for there to be at least two online listings (seen via used.addall.com today, no fooling on my part).
April 2nd, 2012 at 7:03 pm
I just don’t know what to say. This just has so much of that Gygax magic to it … it reminds me of the original Dungeon Master’s Guide artwork. A scone for Alessandra! Good show!
July 24th, 2012 at 12:15 pm
IN THE LOUNGE OF THE LIZARD
January 11th, 2013 at 5:29 pm
I SING THE BODY ELECTRIC may be artistically questionable, but it is at least technically competent. This is just horrid. 10/10.
February 24th, 2013 at 7:49 pm
I have been pondering this cover for some time now (for reasons inexplicable) and have come to the conclusion that it is beyond horrid. Unless the ‘artist’ is a microencephalitic two year old child with congenital blindness, it’s unforgivably bad. The truly strange and disturbing thing is the author’s apparent ownership, and control, of the publisher. Does self-published have to be…well, like THIS?
No pressure as far as art direction goes. That means the author thinks that cover is GOOD. Thinks…,
“Sweet baby Jesus, you’ve done it! That is IT! A veritable vision from Heaven itsel,it sums up perfectly my story and..wait, were there astronauts in the bible? There were? Oh yes, this, this will without doubt cause readers to be drawn into purchasing my fabulous tale! Praise the Lord!”
Somewhere in the bowels of Hell Satan is holding a copy of this book and tittering in a sinister manner,”Oh christian fiction, your covers delight me so! Please print more atrociously unsellable tomes like this! I can feel my power growing with every book you print…”
March 1st, 2013 at 9:18 pm
The author is the publisher and is the cover artist. Kind of like the lawyer who represents himself has a fool for client.
From the cover description: “mankind has advanced beyond the boundaries of Earth. Corporations from Luna City Free State have funded extensive mining operations in the asteroid belt and beyond. …space Navy freighters ply the cold oceans of emptiness…on the largest asteroid in the belt, Ceres, a dragon-worshipping cult plots to overthrow the corporate masters and seize control of the planet! “
March 2nd, 2013 at 10:48 am
I like how the blurb spends all that time establishing that the scenario is exactly the same as in every other space adventure yarn, to the point where it might as well have just read, “so yeah, space stuff happens, whatever”… then, just as one’s attention begins to wander, it suddenly throws in the dragon-worshippers on Ceres. Cute.
March 8th, 2013 at 6:58 am
I thought the—Cult—was named “Ceres,” a shadowy organization thought to be allied with Google, fanatically bent on total Galactic domination. And the “Dragon” much more closely resembles a large bug than any reptile to be found in this quadrant.
March 8th, 2013 at 2:09 pm
I’m surprised the Dragons won the World Ceres. I was rooting for the Phillies.
December 20th, 2015 at 6:29 pm
One doesn’t usually see six-armed dragons in fiction, so, points for that I guess.
My money is on the flautist in the spacesuit, though.
December 21st, 2015 at 9:42 am
“What giant pencil? …oh… In my defense, it was very dark in the room when I picked up what I thought was my bazooka.”
October 14th, 2016 at 2:03 pm
In the future, everything will be flat and/or have cracks running through it.
October 14th, 2016 at 2:48 pm
Mr. Stanton Borrowed money from the mob to start his publishing company. One of the conditions of the deal was that the mob boss’ nephew who “is a good kid, just ain’t got much upstairs” does all the cover art.
October 14th, 2016 at 4:30 pm
@JP: this is a family-friendly, positive blog, sir, and I do wish you wouldn’t insult the mob and/or those of us who ain’t got much upstairs. 😉
October 14th, 2016 at 5:28 pm
Silly Stuff With No Lower Teeth. How does the poor thing eat? There must be an industrial sized blender just out of sight.
October 14th, 2016 at 6:01 pm
So I now realize it’s an allegory, see? “In the Den of the Dragon” stands for “The kid’s room at Mar-a-Lago.” The figure on the altar is Everywoman, helpless before the many arms of a groping Presidential candidate. The guy with the pencil represents the army of brave-hearted journalists and other media types out reveal the Truth and protect Everywoman’s honor and integrity, which are really important to them. The flame is the torch of Liberty that will one day soon blaze forth anew o’er the land of the free.
October 14th, 2016 at 6:06 pm
@Jon: I think your hypothetical art project by a grade three student would be better executed than this cover.
October 14th, 2016 at 6:12 pm
In the observatory of the Owlbear
In the den of the dromedary
In the attic of the anteater
October 14th, 2016 at 9:22 pm
Dromedaries?? Eeeek!
October 15th, 2016 at 12:47 am
(I can’t believe nobody’s done this)
Let me tell you where I am. I’m out!
October 15th, 2016 at 1:53 am
@fred – You don’t need lower teeth when you’re a six-armed dragon. It’s a vampire dragon, of course, so it only needs fangs!
@Yoss – I agree that it’s almost hard to rip on this cover, especially since this is about the level of my own drawing skills. That is why I read SF/Fantasy and don’t pretend to illustrate it.
October 15th, 2016 at 2:07 pm
In all fairness, despite the lack of skill and terrible font, the composition is decent.
January 17th, 2017 at 9:03 pm
The pen may be mightier than the sword, but the six-armed dragon is probably mightier than the pencil.
And pretty much anything is mightier than this cover. Makes one long for some clip art, Poser, or bad Photoshop.
March 16th, 2017 at 3:12 pm
Oh God, I had to google him, but this guy. This guy! For whatever reason he keeps getting published here in Canada, but he’s completely unreadable. ECW, a press I generally respect, decided to get into the SF game a few years back, and a trilogy by this guy is what they decided to start with. They sent me a review copy of the first one, and it was literally the worst book I’ve ever read.
March 17th, 2017 at 12:46 am
@August: welcome to the site…and have you submitted the cover yet? 😉
March 17th, 2017 at 3:18 am
@August: Is the cover of the book you got as bad as this, or have you gotten rid of the book and blocked it from your memory? I’m guessing that a real publisher at least would have sprung for some non-Steve art.
Indeed, they did. It’s dull but not hideous.
https://ecwpress.com/collections/vendors?q=Stanton%2C%20Steve
Also, possible mullet alert:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steve_Stanton
The book pictured here has (not so) mysteriously disappeared from his CV.
March 21st, 2017 at 4:06 pm
The cover was far and away the best thing about it. I did not bother with the other two books (and it was so, so strange that “Reconciliation” was the first in the series).
If anyone’s interested, I wrote about what was between the covers: http://www.vestige.org/2010/10/03/25_-_the_bloodlight_chronicles/
@DSWBT: I’ll see if I can find something. I probably have some old Gor books around somewhere…
March 21st, 2017 at 4:29 pm
@August: thanks for the link. The V-Space of the Virus, eh?
March 22nd, 2017 at 3:55 am
@August: So if the books published by an actual publisher were that bad, we can all shudder in horror at how much worse this self-published (and now apparently disavowed) tome must have been.
And indeed, who calls the first book in a series “Reconciliation”? Isn’t that logically the last part?
March 22nd, 2017 at 7:59 pm
@GSS I know some BTS stuff about Reconciliation that makes the story even worse, but unfortunately I can’t share it. I shudder to think about In the Den of the Dragon.
March 22nd, 2017 at 9:47 pm
Your review was horrific enough — it’s a favor to spare us the details.
April 28th, 2018 at 5:57 pm
I’d like to note that the astronaut is not aiming his pencil at the dragon but somewhere far off to the dragon’s left. Also, the Peeps confectioners are making candy that is shaped like women.
April 29th, 2018 at 8:18 am
@Tor Mented. You assume that the normal rules of perspective and such apply to this artwork. Look again.
May 1st, 2018 at 2:37 am
@Tor: The flame looks like it could be a Peeps confection too.
Those Peeps diorama contests that newspapers run every year (Wash. Post and one of the Chicago papers) are much higher in artistic merit, though. Better composition and details. Also great fun.