Apr 27

A fascinating planet... where the women looked like painted eggs kids would make at easter.Click for full UNSHEEPED & UNWHALED image!!

Joachim’s Art Direction: One-eyed sex runts. No other words are necessary….
Published 1970

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 8.95 out of 10)

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43 Responses to “Runts of 61 Cygni C”

  1. THX 1138 Says:

    Any bets this is a bowdlerised title?

  2. SI Says:

    Runt 1: I’m just going to the toilet here!
    Runt 2: Ok! I’ll try and look beautiful so no one notices you squatting!

  3. Thermopyl Says:

    Who dreams this shit up??

  4. Smith Says:

    “…where one eyed runts played endless games of sex, but had real difficulty with depth perception.”

  5. Smith Says:

    So I googled this fine work and found that not only can you get this book to read on the bus for the admiration of your fellow man, but you can proclaim your enjoyment by wearing this:

  6. Jaouad Says:

    This is only the Prologue to that epic multi-volume masterpiece of interplanetary romance: A GAME OF SEX.

  7. A.R.Yngve Says:

    How is a planet “twin to the sun”??

  8. A.R.Yngve Says:

    Actually, “One-Eyed C**ts” would have sounded much less disturbing than the title the publisher went with…

  9. Tom Noir Says:

    Somehow, despite the nudity and the promise of ‘endless games of sex’, I have no desire whatsoever to pick up this book.

  10. Tom Noir Says:

    @A.R. for reals, that struck me as making no sense at all. I don’t think any planet that was a giant irradiated ball of helium and hydrogen would be very sexy.

  11. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @AR: See, I went with ‘Grunts of 69 Hygenic’. And, may I remind you, all a star need be is a G-type yellow and it could be considered a twin to our Sol.

    Whatever that bamboo or maple is in the background, it could stand some trimming back, but might be rather attractive in a quiet corner of the garden…where there’s no grunting…

  12. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Wait. PLANET?? Disregard above.

  13. Phil Says:

    RUNTS OF 61CYGNI C ? Must be an anagram, surely.

  14. Alessandra Kelley Says:

    Art Direction: I want to put naked women on the cover.

    Marketing: You can’t do that. The censors would shut us down!

    Art Direction: Okay, how about naked alien women with huge bald heads and one eye apiece.

    Marketing: That should be okay.

    Art Direction: Only with lots of glamour makeup and Marilyn Monroe expressions, so they won’t look grotesque.

    Marketing: …..

  15. Lilah Says:

    How did this not get a ‘wtf’ tag?

    I know the book is trying its damndest to come off as wild and sexy, what with the breasts and the “one-eyed runts” (who are all female?) playing “endless games of sex”, but from the vantage point of forty years later it just looks pathetic. “Look! Boobies! Sex! We’re so naughty!”

  16. fred Says:

    Spock says it best.

  17. Jane Says:

    “Runts of 61 Cygni C,
    Free to be
    You and me.”

  18. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Well, I finally got around to trying the Internet Anagram Server (see Website). Alas, it was little help. Without the digits, the best it could come up with included:

    Cystic Frog Nun
    Finny Cog Crust
    Cons Cut Frying
    Cog Cyst Fin Urn
    Cogs Cry Fun Nit
    Gun Font Cry “Sic!”
    Cons Cry Fig Nut
    Con Cry If Stung
    Cur Cyst Fog Inn

    Apart from the one about the font, I really don’t see any headway. Maybe if I added “sixty one” to the letters?

  19. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    All right, this is a little more helpful. ‘Runts of Sixty One Cygni C’, leaving out the naughtier permutations, includes:

    Onyx Frigs Constituency
    Tony Crucifying Sextons
    Concerning Foxy Suit Sty
    Ensconcing Fruity Ox Sty
    Foxy Is Connecting Yurts
    If Sox Rusty Contingency
    Cognoscenti Fury Nix Sty
    Tiny Fussy Ox Concreting
    Coercing Foxy Nutty Sins
    ‘Cryogenics?’ Finny Ox Tuts
    Cryogenic Fix Yon Stunts
    Cogency Fusion Nix Tryst
    Go Fry Tux Inconsistency
    Sixty, Sunny, Necrotic Fog
    Fry Onyx Using Tectonics
    Fungi Constrict Sexy Yon
    Fungi Cretin Syncs Toy Ox
    Cynic Foists Turn Oxygen
    Try Out Gin Once, Fix Syncs

    and lastly, a comment about the authour:

    Sexy, Fruity Conning Scot!

  20. Jerk of all Trades Says:

    Considering how critters and people look when they come out one-eyed here, I doubt the cyclops of Space Sex Land would be particularly arousing.

    Also, wouldn’t such terrible depth perception render certain sexual activities and positions rather dangerous?

  21. Jerk of all Trades Says:


    Who wouldn’t want to wear such classy duds?

  22. Rachel J Says:

    I keep looking at that cover, *trying* to convince myself this book actually exists…

  23. Don Hilliard Says:

    I suspect the real thing is a fair bit less salacious than the cover suggests – Belmont (and its predecessor Greenleaf Books, hence the logo) had a good thing going in reprinting old pulp stories with REALLY SEXY cover blurbs (and I admit, occasional inserted sex scenes that the original publishers would have fainted at) and marketing them to the sweatier members of the SF audience.

  24. Phil Says:

    Dead Stuff With Big Teeth, thanks for having the patience to do what I couldn’t be bothered to do. The anagrams are, almost without exception, at least as meaningful as the book’s original title. It is odd, though, how many of them take on the syntax of headlines from newspapers (Onyx Frigs Constituency; Fungi Cretin Syncs Toy Ox) or popular science magazines (Fry Onyx Using Tectonics) rather than book titles.

  25. Yoss Says:

    “Considering how critters and people look when they come out one-eyed here, I doubt the cyclops of Space Sex Land would be particularly arousing.”

    Depends on how long those young earthmen were in space.

  26. Jerk of all Trades Says:

    Grab a puke bucket and GIS for “real cyclops baby”*, then ask yourself just how many lifetimes you’d need for a face like that to do anything but banish stray erections to the land of wind and ghosts.

  27. Robert Carnegie Says:

    According to Wikipedia, 61 Cygni is – like very many stars – binary, consisting of two K-type dwarf stars (presumably white), one (A) variable and one (B) a flare star. 61 Cygni C would be another star, that doesn’t exist. Neither do the planets. And if you want to see sexually active runts, shame on you.

    Having said that, Leela on Futurama is very cute. And capable, and intimidating. And not a runt.

  28. ocellaris Says:

    I have to know: is this book REALLY ABOUT what it says on the tagline? I’m legitimately afraid to look it up on Amazon or on a review website. Is it REALLY about one-eyed sex runts?!?! -_-;

  29. Rachel J Says:

    @ocellaris. I’ve been wondering about that– how could anyone possibly write *an entire novel* about one-eyed sex runts? Very likely there’s just a page or so describing Sexy-Midget-Cyclopsville, and the main plot has nothing to do with it at all. That’s just a guess, though– I’m chicken to look it up, too.

  30. Tom Noir Says:

    Does anyone else here think that one-eyed ladies should also have just one boob?


  31. A.R.Yngve Says:

    If they had been one-legged, hopping about, the cover would have been AWESOME.

  32. Rev Says:

    What if they were an alien race of space vaginas that hovered about 3 feet above the ground? Kind of like sexy jellyfish, except they are vaginas. That would have been TOTALLY AWESOME.
    Also, vagina. ({i})
    Good things come in threes 🙂

  33. Adam Smith Says:

    This looks a bit dated for it’s time .. more 50s than early 70s.. possibly the image is sourced from the original 50s pulp context the story probably first appeared in.

  34. anon Says:

    @Phil, DSWBT: Grunts of Cynic 61

  35. DaveM Says:

    Brief description of the book can be found here:

    Oh also, endless games of sex? Ow, chafing!

  36. anon Says:

    This was originally supposed to be a Star Wars novel and it used to read “gay moff sex”.

  37. Tat Wood Says:

    “Gay Moff Sex”? Does Sue Vertue know this?

  38. Jon K. Says:

    “One-Eyed Sex Runts” – a band whose time has long since passed….

  39. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    How Rafflesia Got Its Scent, the Just-So Story that Kipling never had the love spuds to write.

  40. Xeelee Says:

    It’s at least positive that the author chose to give some attention to 61 Cygni. The star was the first one to have its parallax (and hence its distance from the Sun) accurately measured in 1838.

    It appears that another astronomer measured the parallax of Alfa Centauri (the nearest major star to the Sun) a few years earlier. But he never published his findings, due to the mistaken belief that he had erroneously calculated a far too large distance…!

  41. Templerman Says:

    At 75 cents it would likely be around the 1960’s or early 1970’s. The title and cover art sounds something thought up after dropping a cap of acid. Doesn’t that alien girl in Futurama have one eye, and she is definitely mammalian. Maybe this cover was the model for her character.

  42. Longtime_lurker Says:

    This turned up as a random terrible cover. Noting that some of our colleagues above were too chicken to look up reviews etc, I did so (I have no shame, apparently). As many suspected, it seemingly fails to live up to its promise. One reviewer’s final assessment is “I wish this was porn.”. Another one opines that you could eat a dictionary and s**t a better book. Longest (and most damning) review is here:
    And just to bring us back to covers: apparently the female aliens have no visible breasts.

  43. GSS ex-noob Says:

    So the cover is misleading, but the book is actually even worse. That’s hard to do around here.

    I liked that review guy, read a couple more of his.

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