May 18

Look dude... this... in no way... is a good replacement horn!Click for full image

Scott B Comments: Only the most evil of wizards would tease his familiar by tying its food to its face, juuuust out of reach.
Published 1977

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 8.84 out of 10)

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30 Responses to “The Planet Wizard”

  1. THX 1138 Says:

    “The clue’s in the name, lady, this is the Evil Health Spa! Besides, this is very good for the back.”

  2. Phil Says:

    The blurb spoils the plot by telling us that he’s not even a real wizard. Oh well, saves me the bother of reading the book.

    Liking her curly toes, wondering how those bits of metal are staying attached to her nether regions and boobs, wondering how she got there in the first place without the lizard swallowing her whole.

    Where is the planet Wizard, anyway? Is it near the planet Mars?

  3. Jaouad Says:

    “Trying to perform a miracle.” By the frustrated look on the face of that dragon, he’s Doing It Wrong.

  4. Hep C Says:

    Notice how she lies on her back, eyes closed and mouth open wide. She’s obviously snoring. That’s why the dragon looks so irritated. She probably woke up the evil angry guy in black as well.

  5. SI Says:

    This for whatever reasons, which maybe obvious, seems to remind me of this:

  6. Herm Says:

    I think we’re all erring in assuming the boring berobed fellow is the wizard here. That’s not how I interpret the situation at all. The young lady is the wizard. Robey back there is her flying exam assessor. I don’t think she’ll get her licence this time – she clearly fastened her safety belts incorrectly, and they’ve slipped. Even flashing that much skin probably won’t get thist one overlooked.

  7. Herm Says:

    Also, her hair is tickling the dragon’s nostril. The dragon is probably five seconds away from an epic sneeze. One can only imagine the hilarity…

  8. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @Herm: look in the lower right hand corner. I hope that green scum is just dragon snots…

  9. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    I assume that’s the dragon’s first or second maxillary tooth sticking up all fang-ish from the lower jaw. Crocodiles do that too, but their upper lips are bent out of the way. Draco the Allergic there is bound to chafe a bit.

  10. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Right, click the link, reviews, you heard me.

  11. Alessandra Kelley Says:

    People never get it right! When heads are upside-down the mouth does not hang open; it naturally shuts. However, when heads are upright and dead or unconscious or whatever, the mouth naturally hangs open.

    Therefore, unconscious or dead people upside-down should have closed mouths.

    Upright heads, or severed heads held up by the hair, should have open mouths.

    I do wish people would get it right.

  12. Tom Noir Says:

    On the other hand, I’m pretty sure her outfit wouldn’t stay on if she were right side up, so you have to give them SOME points for realism.

  13. fred Says:

    To borrow a quote from The Princess Bride – “You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.”

  14. Smith Says:

    “Hey man, be honest, have I got something on my face?”

  15. Jerk of all Trades Says:

    I believe her mouth is open and her eyes closed to show that she is getting off on this. Because it’s terrible, and degrading, and is probably going to end up in her very unpleasant death — but gosh-darnit, the ladies secretly love such things!

    As for what’s keeping her tinsel on, I would guess that the armorers clothing-designers of Generic Fantasy Worlds purchase fashion-model adhesives in bulk.

  16. Ian Says:

    I’m sure the next scene is her poking the lizard/gator/dragon in the eye. That would be easy.

  17. Alessandra Kelley Says:

    I wonder how she got trussed up there without getting a scratch on her. That lizardskin has got to be chafing her back.

    I am also disturbed by her complete lack of anatomy. She hasn’t got a ribcage, just a sort of shelf. There isn’t a crease on her, or a muscle. And if you turn the image so her face is rightside up, you can see she has a disconcertingly big neck and small head with a ridiculously upturned tiny nose and disturbingly wide-spaced eyes.

    She’s so very, very, very smooth, and her hair is so very, very, very lovingly brushed down over that poor lizard’s nose, it’s creepy.

  18. A.R.Yngve Says:

    Magus Blacklaw – a false wizard trying to perform a miracle: To make the 40-year-old man who buys a book with this cover move out of his mother’s basement and lose his virginity.

  19. Jerk of all Trades Says:

    AK – And yet the lizard-thing she’s strapped to is freakin’ detailed as hell. The visual contrast is rather distressing; every time I look at it, there’s this feeling that something is seriously wrong with the cover — I mean, aside from every single thing else.

    I went and looked up the book, to see if there was actually some sort of non-S&M reason given in the story for the fake wizard to be strapping nearly-naked women to giant iguana/dragon–faces. There’s not a lot out of info, but someone mentioned there being large, scaly, lizard-type creatures that people ride, that later turn out to be all that’s left of a human population that survived a nuclear war. Assuming that’s really in the book, I can’t say it makes the cover make any more sense, or be any less effed up.

  20. anon Says:

    Oh come on, people! This is obviously a magic show. One of them artsy ones.

  21. Tat Wood Says:

    It makes sense if the dragonriders have adopted the habits of refuse collection vans and strapped an inflatable woman to the snout of their vehicle the way teddy beard get mounted on the grilles of Dennis trucks.

  22. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Wizaaaaaaaard and lizaaaaaaaard. I can hardly wait for the video game adaptation by Blizaaaaaaaard.

  23. fred Says:

    Got a new tag – ‘Covers on which if you change one letter in the title everything suddenly makes some kind of sense.’

  24. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @fred—thanks! The Planer Wizard is the story of a young necromancer who dreams of being a carpenter. Here we see him learning how to smooth out a dragon’s snout.

  25. Bibliomancer Says:

    “Draggin’ my ass” she said.

  26. THX 1138 Says:

    The Pranet Wizard: a complete tool, no matter about his magic powers.

  27. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    If I met a Planet Wizard, I’d want to know how much it would cost for a magic spell to make the effects of global warming vanish from Earth. 😐

  28. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Strike a light, that’s Reptilicus the Boring Kaiju!

  29. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @DeadSWBT—most GSS 10 minute film I’ve ever seen!

    “Look. Fourteen of my best cows.”

  30. classicOz Says:

    @fred – the Plane Wizard is introducing a new form of travel (I’m assuming it’s a dragon)

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