May 01

Seriously? Don't look Merman... you'll just encourage her!Click for full image

DPN Comments: I couldn’t resist buying this one. I hope this cover is an accurate depiction of a scene in the book, because I really want to know what’s going here.
Published 1984

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 8.80 out of 10)

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41 Responses to “The Second Kingdom”

  1. Adam Roberts Says:

    Where does the curving prow of the boat end and the oval swirl of black surrounding “Book Two” begin?

  2. Phil Says:

    Another BEHIND YOU! contender, but more in a “Hey, Wolfman!” “What is is, Scaley?” “Look behind you, dude!” kind of a way.

    “Survivial”, eh? I guess this is where everyone survives, and in the aftermath they are all quite convivial. Yes, that will be it, survivial.

  3. GSS admin Says:

    Just for you Phil! 😉

    It’s BEHIND YOU!

  4. SI Says:

    “Wolfman and Merman picked the wrong time to team up with Tina The Flatulent.”

  5. Phil Says:

    Thanks, Admin, I am honoured.

    I just noticed that fishface on the left is wearing a towel. I don’t know why, but I find that slightly incongruous. It also occurs to me that he might as well get out of the boat and swim. When was the last time you saw a goldfish climb aboard a boat and start rowing?

  6. towrope Says:

    With his slight beer belly and sweaty skin the creature from the black lagoon has obviously just come from the sauna.
    I’m assuming Joan Jett is nudey because weirdo wolfy is sporting her grey silk camisole.

  7. Tat Wood Says:

    This is what a 70s British ‘Life of Pi’ would have been like. With Alfie Bass as the Merman.

  8. FearofMusiç Says:

    Oh great. Now I have a Baliwood version of ‘The Volga Boatmen’ stuck on an endless loop in my head.

  9. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Hm, the sun is up but the moon is hidden. 🙂

    The cow/ant carving on the prow isn’t bad, really. I just wish it weren’t posed so it seems to be ogling her mammaries.

  10. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Speaking of which, the bird and the seat are a little out of proportion. It looks as though she’s about to fall over to starboard. But she’s propping herself up with her sword in the wrong direction.

  11. Tom Hering Says:

    Judging by the direction of the light falling on the trio’s bodies, future Earth has two suns. Very strange suns. Sun #2 (shining from the left) only illuminates flesh, while Sun #1 (shown in the painting) only illuminates boats, because the parts of the boat facing away from Sun #1 are in dark shadow, while those the same parts are facing the direction from which light is falling on the trio’s bodies. Somehow too, despite the intensity of light on her back, Naked Warrior Woman isn’t casting a shadow on the prow in front of her. I guess, then, what makes future Earth so violent is the violence done to the simple rules of realistic illustration. Tags: visual dissonance / amateur artist atrocities.

  12. Bibliomancer Says:

    So when beasts have a vision it’s of a naked lady poking holes in their boat with a sword?

    @Tom Hering – This must be the Earth of 5 suns because I can’t see how to make the 3 tings on right prow otherwise.

    Does anyone else see the similarity to the Hunters of the Red Moon cover? Another world where humans are naked but lion men cover their shame.

  13. Tom Noir Says:

    The art is… kind of lovely. I have no idea what its depicting and its kind of ruined by all those swirly fonts, but it’s still a nice piece.

  14. Rachel J Says:

    Rowing seems surprisingly popular with fish-people:

    Odd, really.

  15. B. Chiclitz Says:

    Look at Lion Man’s expression, then imagine Lion Man’s Thought Bubble: “He thinks I can’t see him checking that out. With five suns up there, how could I not see him? I knew he wasn’t sincere last night when he told me I was the only one. There I go again, letting myself be vulnerable to a set of hot scales only to be ‘cast’ aside in the light of day. I swear, it’s the last time I ever sleep with the fishes.”

  16. Tom Hering Says:

    Bibliomancer @ 12, good catch!

  17. THX 1138 Says:

    “We’ll be at this naturist resort by sundown, lady, in the meantime please borrow my towel.”

  18. Bibliomancer Says:

    @ B. Chiclitz – Good Show Sir, indeed! I doff my wizard hat.

  19. Phil Says:

    @ Tat Wood – perfect, a 70s British “Life of Pi”!

    This cover just keeps on giving. For example:

    What. Is. With. Her. Left. Hand? How is that pose possible?

  20. fred Says:

    The First Kingdom was probably destroyed due to its lack of an overly ornate font. The Second Kingdoms’ big font O’s and S’s need to be nailed in place or they will slide right off the page.

  21. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @Bibliomancer #18: Why, thank ye, Good Sir. Makes a poster proud to get a nod from the ‘mancer hisself. Your posts are consistently the high points of my reading day. Perhaps, come to think of it, I should get back to reading that David Hume and all . . .

  22. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Eureka! Sarnath was the first kingdom!

    But then doom came to it. 🙁

    But one of the beings of Ib survived, and is now an estate agent for the Real Estate Boom that Will Come to Sarnath! ‘So, Mr. and Mrs. Underbite…are you interested in the schools? Excellent school system here in the middle of the ocean…close to shops…ah, only seven footprints to Satan, if you’re evil, that is.’

  23. Tom Hering Says:

    Phil @ 19, there’s only one place that left hand could be. No, I’m not letting my imagination run away with me. According to this information, a “delicate aura of soft pornography” was common enough in Victoria Poyser’s cover art. Tag: Hi-Diddle-Diddle, the Fish Man Watched Her Fiddle.

  24. Stevie T Says:

    @Phil: Fishboy isn’t afraid to show he’s a hoopy frood.

    I thought the look on his face was more a sort of “I can’t believe she’s making us do all the work here.” Rather than an ogle.

    Lion-O seems to be sharing the sentiment.

  25. FearöfMusic Says:

    I don’t know, I keep trying to see lion and keep getting werewolf,(albeit a sort of poofy David Bowie Aladdin Sane werewolf). Bottom teeth and fellow b-movie monster at the oars, maybe? Anyone getting a ga Lon Cheney vibe here?

  26. DaveM Says:

    @Bibliomancer, I keep imagining this dialogue from our naturist sword bearer.

    “I don’t care how much of a hurry you two are in, either I get some clothing or we’ll see how well this gondola floats with have some holes in the bottom!”

    Oh, @fearofmusic: Not so much a Lon Cheney vibe, more of a Warren Zevon “werewolves of london” vibe at this end.

  27. DaveM Says:

    Gaa! damn you grammar check! That dialogue should read

    “I don’t care how much of a hurry you two are in, either I get some clothing or we’ll see how well this gondola floats with some holes in the bottom!”

  28. Anti-Sceptic Says:

    Fish Man to Lion/Wolf Man: “You know, I am having second thoughts on this deal. It seemed like such a good idea at the time. All we had to do was row this chick to where she wanted to go and we would get to see some premium TnA for it…Who knew she wanted us to cross a whole ocean!”

    Lion/Wolf Man to Fish Man: “I knew there was something fishy about the deal.”

    Fish Man: “Hardy, har, har….”

  29. Isa Says:

    I’d rather call it “A vision of breasts”….

  30. RachelJ Says:

    Surely this tale of “survivial” merits the +1 Protection from Spelling tag?

  31. Tag Wizard Says:

    @RachelJ – Excellent prufreading skillz!
    I think I’ll add starkers while I’m at it.

  32. Tat Wood Says:

    Supermarket Own-Brand Wolverine to Viewers: “Look, at the end of the day, it’s work.”

  33. anon Says:

    Lizardman to Victoria Poyser: “I was just cooling off at the pier after a sauna. It’s not cool to drag me into galley slavery at swordpoint. Naked or not, you didn’t even let me finish my beer. Not. Cool.”
    Lizardman to Wolfman: “Where did she kidnap you? At home in bed? At a karate tournament?”

  34. GSS ex-noob Says:

    This one doesn’t improve with age.

    All the witty remarks having been made 4-6 years ago, I got nothin’ clever to add.

    I wonder if submitter DPN ever read it. Did an elaborate gondola paddled by a fishman and a lion/wolfman, bearing a naked chick with a giant sword and a bad case of swayback appeared? It’s so specific that I bet it did.

    Probably no mention of the extra suns for the lighting.

    Lion-O’s got her blouse on, Fishman’s wearing her skirt, and Fishy also seems to be wondering why she’s just posing there with her sword instead of helping to row, or at least sitting down quietly and not… erm… whatever her left hand’s doing. I don’t know if she’s an exhibitionist or just wants to get a tan from the excess suns.

    According to Goodreads, they’re fleeing evil pursuing mutants, so she damn well ought to be paddling too.

    She’s starkers on the next book too. Future Earth must be pretty warm.

  35. fred Says:

    Wonder what would happen if I suddenly yelled “RAMMING SPEED!”.

  36. JuanPaul Says:

    @GSSXN I am in fact DPN…before I changed my name…early days. And I have not read it yet. It calls out to me to discover it’s mysteries. But I have good books that need reading.

  37. Tor Mented Says:

    In No. 19, Phil said: “What. Is. With. Her. Left. Hand? How is that pose possible?”
    I think what he means is that there appears to be a very badly done left hand just below the hilt of the sword. And it’s bent in way that makes it questionable that it could be attached to her arm. Plus, it demonstrates that m’lady is not very bright for resting her hand on a sharp surface on a boat that lurches back and forth.

    Or maybe it’s not a hand, just a glob of pink protoplasm that the sea heaved up.

  38. Bruce A Munro Says:

    The Creature of the Black Lagoon likes big butts, that he cannot deny…

  39. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @Tor: Looks like she maybe cut it off with and then affixed it to the sword. And she’s still holding the sword in a dumb position, starkers yet. That might be what Fishy is looking at instead of her Sir Mix region. Being amazed that she’s so bad with it and maybe thinking how he should/could take it away for her for everyone’s safety.

    But maybe that’s why she’s not rowing. She’s only got one hand. Or at minimum, a badly broken wrist for her hand to be in that position.

    I say Fishy and Wolfy would be better off dumping her overboard. No nekkid lady is worth the peril she’s causing by standing up in a boat, with a large sword.

    Throw her overboard, have Wolfy man both oars and Fishy swim and push.

    @JuanPaul: Fair enough, but let us know if you ever do scan through it in the next 6 years.

  40. A.R.Yngve Says:

    A fish-man, a lion-man and a naked woman walk into a bar.
    The bartender says: “Hey, you can’t drink naked in here! Put something on.”
    The fish-man gives the woman his clothes to wear.
    The bartender says: “Hey, you can’t drink naked in here! Put something on.”
    The lion-man gives the fish-man his clothes to wear.
    The bartender says: “Hey, you can’t drink naked in here! Put something on.”

    And the joke goes on and on, until the audience resorts to threats and violence…

  41. Tor Mented Says:

    I like my women the way I like rowing devices: big oars.

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