Jul 11

Great! I hate unoriginal novels...Click for full image

Frank Comments: I’m wondering how long the artist made the lady hold that pose, and whether she got sunburn.
Published 1970

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 6.73 out of 10)

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36 Responses to “Manalacor of Veltakin”

  1. THX 1138 Says:

    Oh, sure, you might think the title is unpronounceable, but it’s actually a yoga move, as this lady will now demonstrate.

    I’m guessing the “cleavage” tag doesn’t refer to bosoms this time?

  2. The Tag Wizard Says:

    Not that I condone staring in these situations, it’s ultimately a self-degrading act, but are those lycra shorts or just really bad tanlines?

    I can’t tell, the sun got in my eyes.

  3. SI Says:

    “I am the sun god and I… ewww… put some clothes on women! No get away… you can’t hug me! GAHHH! Away away!”

  4. RachelJ Says:

    What, you mean somebody thought the title “Tongue-twister of Gibberish”‘ and the fact that this is not only “A Science Fantasy Novel” but “An Original Novel”, by (gasp) Christabel wouldn’t be enough to sell it without sticking a naked girl on the cover? Unbelievable!

  5. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Translated from the original Sanskrit as, ‘Nudist of Drawing Room’.

    Also, an anagram for:

    Anatomical Navel Fork
    Tamarack Novella Info
    Caravan Fellatio Monk
    Malaria Covenant Folk
    Inamorata Flack Novel
    Naval Oink Malefactor
    Frontal Valiance Amok
    Lank Cavalier Footman
    Caramel Flank Ovation
    Fractional Maven Kola
    Factional Larvae Monk

    …really, the possibilities are endless!

  6. Tom Hering Says:

    I’m guessing this is repurposed photo art. From an advertising agency. The theme was “new freedom.” And the product was super maxi pads with wings. Which never made it to market because, well, they were just a bit too super maxi.

  7. RachelJ Says:

    @Dead Stuff. See what you can make of the sequel, “The Cruachan and the Killane”.

  8. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @RachelJ: based on the description, sounds like ‘The Sue and the Mary’. 🙂

    How about:

    The Ulna and the Anarchic Elk
    The Henna Accrual and the Ilk
    The Can Can Hurl and the Alike
    The Alliance and the Car Hunk
    The Carnelian and the Chalk U
    The Wazir and the Witch
    The Lacunae and the Larch Ink
    The Arcane Lilac and the Hunk
    The Cranial Acne and the Hulk
    The Racial Ankh and the Uncle
    The Inane and the Lurch, Alack!
    The Canal and the Hernia Luck
    The Aerial Clan and the Chunk

    …hm, something’s not right. Anyway, must toddle.

  9. Bibliomancer Says:

    Oh great. Another novel about hippie-punchin’ alien invaders.

    I’m sorry “Cristabel” didn’t start a trend in single name sci-fi authors. You’d see more of “a novel by Harlan” or “a novel by Frederik” or “a novel by RobertA.”

  10. FeàröfMusic Says:

    Manalacor of Veltakin! I LOVE his movies! Especially the one with the creepy little kud “I see hippies…everywhere.” And you know what I heard? If you get the novel original version, it’s scratch and sniff! Get your mind out of the gutter. These are hippies. Everything smells like patchouli.

  11. FeàröfMusic Says:

    @Bibliomancer: Your punctuation indicates sarcasm. But can there ever be too much “hippie-punchin’alien invader” fiction? Myself, I think not.

    “All we are saying…is give peace aZZZAPPSZZZCCRPPANG!!! (aieee!)


  12. Bibliomancer Says:

    @FoM. I would love to read: “Manlnrockyrococco of Velveetatlakin, Part II: The Hippies Strike Back”

    I am reminded of a line from the great poet Lou Reed:

    “Vicious. You hit me with flower …”

  13. fred Says:

    Cristabel, the gift that keeps on giving.

  14. Tom Noir Says:

    @Fred: “They were interpretive dancers in an evil land…”

  15. Scott B Says:

    @fred: Wait, “The Mortal Immortals”? But… but…

  16. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    ‘Ah, thank you both for coming to the party! Let me introduce you to my new neighbour, Christine Elizabeth Abrahamsen.’

    ‘Call me Cristabel. Everyone does.’

    ‘Of course. Cristabel is an author.’

    ‘Charmed…Cristabel. What sort of a writer are you?’

    ‘I’m a novelist…I write original novels. Have you seen them? They all have naked, difficult-to-discern people on the covers.’

    ‘Ah, well, er, look at the time! We must be off.’

  17. B. Chiclitz Says:

    Yeah you’re my, me oh my
    Velta lady

    Please don’t ask how many times I found you
    Standing wet and naked in the garden

    ~Leon Russell

    (Cristabel’s inspiration?)

  18. FeàröfMusic Says:

    @Bibliomancer: I’m with you. I would so totally read that. I tried searching the web, but the closest I could come to it was a preview teaser of a proposed script for a movie version at

    Tagged: Coming soon direct to webvideo, the genre definimg blockbuster runaway smash hit “Manlnrockyrococco of Velveetatlakin, Part II: The Hippies Strike Back”!

    ‘A planet that has known nothing but peace, love, and tie dye for a thousand years finds itself teetering on the brink of doom. Aliens from somewhere else threaten and now it is up to the Council of Very High and Excellent Peoples to devise a strategy to…Strike Back!!

    The setting: A smoke hazed room, lit by candles. Jam band music seeps from a battered hi-fi precariously balanced on a stack of dusty textbooks. On several tatteted and worn, but really comfortable sofas the council has gathered..

    Hippie #1:”Okay, so I found a pencil right? I got paper. We are seriously gonna do this. Okay, so this will be the, uh, yeah, the battle plan to fight back against…”

    Hippie#2:”Whoa man. Like, those are seriously some harsh words man. I mean, that’s like very negative, man, your whole approach.”

    Hippie#3:”Yeah man, like, violence is not the solution man. Man, all you need is love. Love will find a way. Love is the drug..”

    Hippie#1:”Wha? What…you…haven’t you…dude, these fascist alien bastard National Front Republican bastard…fascist bastard aliens are trying to wipe us out!”

    Hippie#2:”Man, you’ve been eating meat again, haven’t you? Karmic dissonance man. That’s what happens when you partake of the flesh of a fellow living being man.”


    Hippie#3:”I think his brain is stuck man. See, carnivore is like the same as barbar…hey, does somebody have chocolate man? Really, I smell chocolate.”

    Hippie#4:”What? Oh hey man, that’s my dog.”

    Hippie#3:”Your dog? Man, your dog smells like chocolate? Whoa.”

    Hippie#4:”Yeah man. Ya know, it makes him happy. He digs it man.”

    Hippie#3:”Cool man. Totally cool. Righteous, my little furry brother. Hey, is there any of that take away left? You know I could…”

    Hippie#1:”Aaaaaargh! You…stupid…blithering…blabbering…TWATS!”

    Hippie#5:”Whoa. Not cool. Mannnn.”

    Hippie#6:”Yes you know, as a woman, which should have no bearing whatsoever, but which due to the patriarchal bias, and ignoring the fact that women are ACTUALLY superior, being nurturers and life givers, inevitably diminishes the value of my opinion…and, say, that dog DOES smell like chocolate!”

    Hippie#2:”That is the coolest dog man. And now I’m gettin’ hungry.”

    Hippie#1:” The hell with you! The whole lot of you! Enjoy your annhilation you daft yobboes!”
    Hippie#1 stumbles to front door, staggering into the night and slamming the door behind him.

    Hippie#3:”Well, good bye and good riddance to bad karma boy. Get on your little buzz killer bike and just…uh, ya know, go away. Right?”

    Hippie#4:”All that negativity man. It’s like get it outta here. You’re gonna bring negative consequences on everyone. What with that whole hostility thing too…”


    Hippie#5:”Hey man, did you here something?”

    Blinding flash.


    What’s next? Can the hippies survive without the Council of VHEP? Can they carry forward in the face of impossibile odds? And most importantly, does that dog actually smell like chocolate? We need your help to find out! Support the producers with your generous non-tax deductible contribution at Wereallytrulyaremakingarealmoviethisisnoscam.rus

  19. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @FoM: totally. 🙂 I would cast Tom Noir for Hippie #5 and Anti-Sceptic for the sitar player. We can have M. Anal Acorofveltakin direct!

  20. B. Chiclitz Says:

    (Blinding flash.


    As the smoke and reverberations fade away . . .

    Hippie #6: Dude, didn’t anybody ever tell you that feeding a dog that much chocolate brings on a flatulence attack of Kozmic proportions? Almost burned the pad down when the methane stream hit that patchouli love-candle.”

    Hippie #3: Oh, Wow, man! I think we’ve found the secret weapon to, like, take out those fascist bastards!”

  21. Stevie T Says:

    “Blather of Pomposity” an “Original Novel” by an author with only One Name. Which seems to add up to:

    “I am an Artiste who does not write science fiction books. I write Original Works of Speculative Fiction that shine a critical light on the Important Issues of our time in an effort to Spark Dialogue among the Intellectual Elite.”

  22. Jaouad Says:

    So please ignore the Talking Squid in the background.

  23. Tat Wood Says:

    @FearOfMusic: That was actually made in 1968, as a ‘Doctor Who’ story called ‘The Dominators.’ They changed the dialogue a bit.

    I’m also concerned at the number of ice-sculptures in the same area as Naked Yoga Girl – she’ll catch her death.

  24. FeàrofMusic Says:

    @TatWoods: Yipes! Not up on my classic Dr. Who. Hope I am not accused of theft of intellectual property. They no doubt did it much better than I.

  25. rev Says:

    Another glorious morning on planet Porridge..

  26. A.R.Yngve Says:


  27. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Oh, oh! The fellow from Lava likes to watch!

  28. THX 1139 Says:

    A little idle web research reveals Christabel was a nurse (and professor of nursing), but whether this book was anything like the Carry On Doctor, arsetastic evoking cover, I wouldn’t care to speculate.

  29. Adzel Says:

    A reign of peace and love is all very fine, I’ll grant you. But why can’t the trains run on time?

  30. fred Says:

    Battle moons come in a variety of sizes, forms, and powers.

  31. NomadUK Says:

    No Sir Mix-a-Lot?

  32. Bruce A Munro Says:

    @Adzel: Mussolini couldn’t actually make the trains run on time, either. Nor can Amtrak. Although according to the cover they appear to be big on crystals and nudity, neither of which evokes my sympathy.

    “A thousand years of peace and love”…why do bad things usually happen every Big Round Number? Couldn’t it be, say, 672 years of peace and love, or 1148?

    It looks like she’s about to be wiped out by a hurtling giant poached egg.

  33. Tat Wood Says:

    The art looks suspiciously like a Badedas Bath-Salts advert from the Reader’s Digest c.1972.
    ‘Things Happen After A Badedas Bath’

  34. GSS ex-noob Says:

    Maybe it’s pronounced “Man-lacker” and she’s out there starkers trying to attract some. But all she’s getting is the poached egg cf. @Bruce.

    @Nomad: maybe Sir Mix can’t make out the bum details through the fog, and therefore does not know if he likes it? And you know he cannot lie.

    Also, for some reason I feel compelled to say “duuuuuude”.

  35. NomadUK Says:

    @GSS: Maybe it’s the White Russian you can’t see that I’m holding.

  36. GSS ex-noob Says:

    Maybe she’s a White Russian.

    Is that a vinyl armchair in the background? Not a good idea for her to sit on it, if so.

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