Sep 07

Hold up boy, I've spotted somewhere I can get more hair gel.Click for full image

Trench coats are really in, so I want a big leather one in there on a guy who looks like he’s right out of Top Gun. Have him walking along with his dog, his shirt tucked neatly into his jeans, carrying a magic sword and the typical explosions in the background. Who’s he kissing? Uh..I guess the dog.

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 5.97 out of 10)

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26 Responses to “A kiss before the Apocalypse”

  1. CSA Says:

    those type of covers arent as bad as the bright, dragon infested crapfests. But the cheesey poses such as the one above still make me laugh.

    the background is confusing me, it looks like an explosion in background but i think its just a bright blurry thing because the artist couldnt be bothered doing a proper background. note the horses and the windmill concealed in the bright blur

  2. SI Says:

    haha I didn’t see the horses. Excellent.

    Why when people surivie the end of the world do they always manage to keep a friggin dog. For food?

  3. little mi Says:

    I think if the apocalypse was about to happen then I would be looking for a little more then a kiss.

    I have to say I kinda of prefer the dragons and stuff to these kind of covers, there’s something so achingly pretentious about them. I think its the tendancy to have the hero in black looking all rugged and slightly constipated with a sword while his dog, which no doubt belonged to his ex-wife and 2 blonde kids, stays heriocally by his side to remind him always of what he once had but are now lost to him!

    I could go on but will spare you…anyway…I think the background is the 4 horseman of the aforementioned apocalypse galloping across the hills, not sure what the windmill is about. Maybe he likes baking.

  4. SI Says:

    OK! We’ll have more dragons tomorrow then 😛

    I think this is the last cheesy love esk picture I have, thankfully haha.

    And yea little mi, I’d be looking for way more! A back rub… possibly some sort of gaming console to pass the time too.

  5. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    ‘Scratchies before the apocalypse? Huh? Big scratchies? How about a chew bone, huh? Can I get a chew bone before the apocalypse? Hm? Whaddaya say?…


  6. RachelJ Says:

    Hey… what is all this about people “surviving the apocalypse”? This isn’t post-apocalyptic, it’s clearly urban fantasy. You can tell because the hero has a sword *and* a trench coat.

  7. A.R.Yngve Says:




  8. SI Says:

    I like to think that’s actually the photographers dog… he just jumped into shot at the last moment and thought it looked pretty good.

  9. Phil Says:

    Whaddya mean, a kiss a-before I pucker da-lips?

    Sorry, been watching too many Marx Bros movies.

  10. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @AR: Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps before the apocalypse? With Ralf Little as the dog?

  11. FeařofMusiç Says:

    For someone in the midst of armageddon his personal grooming habits seem, oh, I don’t know, pointless? If you come across any other survivors, I don’t think neatly shaved and perfectly coiffed are gonna count for that much. And where, as the world is ending, do you come up with a sword like that?

    And, dear God man!! BEHIND YOU!! A dog! Fresh meat!

    And a bunch of stuff going boom too. More importantly, fresh meat!!

  12. FéarofMusic Says:

    And with that first name, you know some crazed post-apocalyptic mutant is gonna rip off his head to see if he’s filled with cognac.

  13. Rachel J Says:

    That quote on the cover’s nicely ambiguous, isn’t it? “The most inventive novel YOU’LL buy this year. (Not that that’s saying much.)”

    I also like how anxious the cover is to make sure we realise that this is A Remy Chandler Novel Featuring Remy Chandler. Apparently stating the hero’s name in just one place wasn’t enough.

  14. Rachel J Says:

    Oh, but as for the sword– I think the scenario is pretty clear. While Remy was busy making sure he had a decent supply of the bare necessities for survival in a grim, post-apocalyptic world (hair-clippers, safety-razor, gel, aftershave, shampoo, conditioner, skin-toner, moisturiser etc., etc., etc.) the crazed mutants got hold of all the firearms, so he had to make do with raiding a museum. He looks pretty confident though. Must be counting on having the last laugh when the mutants finally run out of ammo.

  15. Jaouad Says:

    Well, I assume he’s just back from getting his groove on for the hot Dancing on the Head of a Pin cover shoot. They just hung a coat on him, buttoned up his shirt and pushed a sword into his hand.

    By the way: font problems alert. A KIss BEfOrE thE ApOcAlYpsE?

  16. FeàrofMusic Says:

    @Rachel J: The mutants may run out of ammo, but they are unlikely to run out of nice big rocks to chuck at Cognac Boy. Unlike the chaps who originally used the sword he pinched from the museum, our man is unarmored and therefore vulnerable to pretty much any kind of improvised missile weapon.
    Sorry Post Urbanolyptica writers. The sword may look cool on the cover, but your hero is gonna end up mutant chow if that’s the main weapon you’re gonna give him/her.

  17. Bibliomancer Says:

    @Tag Wizard — another fellow “casually walking away from an explosion.”

    Seems to be a lot of them around here.

  18. Tag Wizard Says:

    Thanks B!

  19. GSS noob Says:

    What’s with the shiny-swishy-swoopy thing around his sword?

    For some reason, that bothers me the most.

  20. Hammy Says:

    @GSS noob:


  21. Tom Noir Says:

    This whole book is about one kiss?

    Must be a hell of a snog.

  22. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @Tom: many years ago at university, I was discussing the Aeneid with a classics major. She could hardly believe that Vulcan agreed to make Aeneas armour in exchange for Venus giving him six kisses and a frenchie. I pointed out that she was the goddess of love, so they must’ve been pretty good ones.

    My point being, merely, that there’s a precedent in the classical literary world.

  23. GSS ex-noob Says:

    Action Ting!

    @DSWBT: that would probably be the only thing this has in common with the Aeneid. Other than a male hero. With a sword. I’ll come in again…

    And this is only one kiss! But I guess you have less free time BEfOrE thE ApOcAlYpsE.

  24. RachelJ Says:

    @GSS ex-noob. wHaT? mOCk tHe TyPOgRaPHy, wILL yOu? tHiS iS a pERfeCt ChOIcE oF FOnT! yoU cAn SeE THe aPOcALySe iS eVEn HApPeNniNG To ThE tITLe!

  25. GSS ex-noob Says:

    i WAs foLLoWinG jaOUaD!

  26. Calyx Says:

    Maybe it’s a typo.
    Maybe he really had to go.
    But he couldn’t find a po.
    So he wet himself.

    Am I right, or am I right?

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