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Sep 26

Masquerades as science fictionClick for larger image

Assassin of Gor

Masquerades as a romance novelClick for larger image

Nomads of Gor

John NotnormalClick for larger image

Marauders of Gor

Good Show Sir Comments: Acting on a tip, we wasted an afternoon browsing the visual excesses of John Norman book covers over at “The Complete John Norman“. So many editions, all terrible in their own way. But one edition had a special style of terrible that makes us sit back, doff our hat, and say “Good show sir, good show, indeed”. Here is the full set, we could have selected any of them for today’s post so I present a random threesome.

1. Asshat of Gor

2. Gonads of Gor

3. The Rotters of Gor

Published 1997, 1998

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 8.00 out of 10)
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15 Responses to “Masqueraders of Gor”

  1. THX 1139 Says:

    1: “These things are difficult to steer when they spot a discarded burger!”

    2: Pigeons in flight, I’m gonna see you tonight…

    3: Baloo finally snaps after being asked to sing The Bear Necessities once too often.

  2. fred Says:

    1. W
    2. T
    3. F

    Are we absolutely positive these aren’t Harlequin Romance covers?

  3. A.R.Yngve Says:

    Judging by cover #1 and #2, the people on Gor are about the size of action figures. Change the titles to:

    – LILIPUT BDSM OF GOR
    -TEENSY TINY BONDAGE MINIKINS OF GOR

  4. A.R.Yngve Says:

    The woman on cover #3 is laughing, and I understand her – that Viking helmet is ludicrous.

  5. Tat Wood Says:

    1. Graham Linehan finds a new hobby after being hounded from social media.

    2. That dream Jimmy Carr has about Lorraine Kelly.

    3. Arron Banks has a new poster ready for the inevitable second referendum.

  6. B. Chiclitz Says:

    1. “This imaginary steering wheel is really tiny.”

    2. Body language says it all—these two can’t stand each other.

    3. Not only is the bound damsel laughing, that bear is laughing too—they’re both laughing at the little cross-eyed guy who’s put his hat on backwards.

  7. Francis Boyle Says:

    @Fred

    Harlequin covers get Fabio. This lot gets Ron Jeremy. And he’s the good looking one of the bunch.

  8. Bibliomancer Says:

    1. The only thing getting assassinated is his dignity.

    2. “No. You’re driving the giant pigeon all wrong. Let me show you.”

    3. The Sexy New Adventures of Hagar the Horrible

  9. Tor Mented Says:

    I think covers 1 and 2 feature the hottest members of the BDSM Club of Dubuque, Iowa.

  10. GSS ex-noob Says:

    Hearty laughter!

    1. Pretty fey for a Gor guy.

    2. A whole new woooorrrrrld…

    3. I couldn’t think of a song that fit this one.

    Good choices, GSS Admin. Absolutely the dorkiest ones.

    The woman on #3 is definitely laughing at the cross-eyed midget with the stupid hat. And the bear’s annoyed. One wonders if the woman read that seminal Canadian novel “The Bear”.

    @THX: the fierce predatory raptors do look awfully pigeon-y here.

    @fred: Harlequin hires competent artists and attractive models.

    @B’man #2 is mansplaining? That explains the attitude @BC saw.

    @Tor: ha! Or possibly a smaller town.

  11. Ryan Says:

    Does the guy in No. 1 have a farmer’s tan, or is it just my monitor?

  12. Bruce A Munro Says:

    @GSS: fey indeed. Judging from the first two covers alone, these are stories about appropriately twee 19th century Victorian fairies: the birds not only don’t look like raptors, but they barely make it to pigeon rather than “small songbird.”

    Cover three is…different.
    There seems to be something wrong with the proportions of the guy with an axe. I find myself thinking “midget wrestler [1] in bad cosplay.”And how did the woman just end up lying there in chains, being threatened (presumably) by the bear? Did the midget wrestler use her for bait?

    “When you said you needed my help finding a bear, I thought you meant a big hairy gay guy!!”

    [1] A midget who wrestles, not someone who picks on people smaller than himself.

  13. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @Ryan: Looks more like a tan on one of those guys who’s always wearing shorts and long sleeves. Definitely not all over, but farmers usually have the sense to wear long trousers.

    @Bruce: yes, “pigeon” is pushing it. Perhaps immature, unfed pigeon.

    I described the first to Mr. XN as “See, he’s riding a pigeon” and he added “in his diaper.”

  14. A.R.Yngve Says:

    OK, let’s run through the PENALTY TARIFF for SF cover cliches again:

    1. Human in a vat…. 1,000 USD
    2. Woman in full armor with big cleavage leaving heart exposed….2,000 USD
    3. Anything with tentacles lusting for a human female….5,000 USD
    4. Naked brain alive in vat, on top of head, connected to machine, floating in space, etc. …10,000 USD
    5. Spacesuit that obviously doesn’t work ….15,000 USD
    * 6. Rugged male defends helpless female from monster/beast/alien… 20,000 USD
    7. Spaceship resembling a giant wang… 25,000 USD
    * 8. Bondage fetish sneaked in… 30,000 USD
    * 9. “Planet” that a 5-year-old could draw more accurately… 50,000 USD

    So the publisher gets away with a total fee of only 100,000 bucks… this time!

  15. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @ARY: You forgot:

    10, Republished Gor books… all the money in the bank account and garnishing the publisher’s and artist’s wages for the next decade.

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