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Jun 18

God I need to sit down, I've been carrying my boobs around all day.Click for full image

Liz’s Art Direction: Draw some buxom witch types in tight revealing outfits having a tea party. Throw in a weird muscle bound werewolf creature for good measure and have them all sit / stand around drinking tea out of some china cups. That should do it. Everyone reads these for the stories anyway.
Published 2009

Thanks to Liz and Simon who both sent this in!

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 7.00 out of 10)
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39 Responses to “Strip Mauled”

  1. andyl Says:

    “Give one witch fangs” – that is quite clearly a vampire and not a witch. I would have thought with the mind-control thing that vampires have she doesn’t have to dress quite as skimpily to get men to dance to her tune.

    Also no mention of the fairy – I suppose that is fair enough as the witch obviously has as well. There is no little cup (or even a big one) for the fairy to drink out of.

  2. admin Says:

    Yea, removed the fangs thing. No offense to Liz, I didn’t understand it either.

    Anyway back to boob tea party puns.

    “In my home I only serve the breast tea!”

  3. Adam Roberts Says:

    I love the fairy! It looks to me as though the werewolf creature has just had a really good fairyish idea. Ping!

  4. Adam Roberts Says:

    ‘Yeah, unusually for a wolf I have opposable thumbs.’

  5. DeadRobot Says:

    The Faerie is a nice touch! She brings so much to the table.

  6. James Lovegrove Says:

    Never mind all that! Where can I get a copy of Chicks In Chainmail??? The cover for that virtually draws itself.

  7. James Lovegrove Says:

    Ahh, there we go [http://img1.fantasticfiction.co.uk/images/t0/t1196.jpg]. Bit disappointing, actually, featuring as it does only one chick in chainmail.

  8. SI Says:

    James> We already have it actually! http://www.goodshowsir.co.uk/2009/08/chicks-and-wow/

    I think the wolfman has taken the vampire women out on a nice date. That witch is their waitress and the fairy their… whatever. I like to think they are arguing too.

    “My clothes maybe ripped Silvia but at least I’m still showing less flesh than you!”

  9. humhumhum Says:

    You dawg!
    Biscuits any good?

  10. James Lovegrove Says:

    SI> Not quite. You have Chicks And Chained Males. Subtle but important distinction there. But at least the chick quotient is 100% greater.

  11. Phil Says:

    The vampire lady has one white leg and one black. She is obviously a punctual vamp, as she is wearing a wristwatch.

    The witchy woman seems to lift the teapot with her belt buckle.

    While the wolfy thing seems to have left a deposit under his chair. In 2009.

  12. Liz Says:

    I didn’t even think of the other fem to be a vamp…was too stunned by the buxomness of the girls and the leering grin on the wolf. Also, Witch #1’s hat looks very like Solomon Kane’s, tbh – http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_hh4wCWSJ6w4/Sg-VEjTe-ZI/AAAAAAAABik/buxzxJSvofU/s320/solomon-kane-rain-hat.jpg

  13. SI Says:

    James> Ah fair enough! See the word play was almost too much for me to comprehend before lunch 😀

    “Don’t move wolf man, there’s one of those darn pixies above ya. I’ll swat it with me wand!”

  14. Moggy Says:

    Well, Esther Friesner does write comedic SF/fantasy, so I think the cover is appropriate.

  15. Kathleen Says:

    that poor kitty cat looks terrifed

  16. Herm Says:

    Guys, the werewolf is female. I can clearly see some boob. This is an all-female tea party, with the possible exception of the cat.

  17. Tom Noir Says:

    I’m not sold on the boob.

  18. CSA Says:

    @Tom; More of a leg man? The vampires single leg isn’t too bad, but i doubt she’s selling it since she only has the one.

  19. Eleri Says:

    It is a cheesy cover. That’s the point for this series 🙂

  20. Susan Says:

    cover art is by Clyde Caldwell… that swirly thing is his sig

  21. A.R.Yngve Says:

    A typical scene from any Harry Potter fan convention.

  22. Tom Noir Says:

    Esmerelda always insisted on using MAGIC to pour the tea even though by the time the spell was prepared and cast the tea was invariably cold and Remus was fairly panting with impatience. But whenever anyone had the temerity to suggest they just serve tea in a normal fashion, she always insisted it was the principle of the thing. “After all, we ARE witches, dear!”

    “Actually,” her sister would retort, “I’m more of a vampire.” The fairy would just sigh and roll her eyes.

  23. Anna T. Says:

    Is the vampire using double-sided tape to prevent her breasts from falling out of her dress? Because dresses like that don’t really work otherwise.

  24. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Am I the first person to point out the lack of mall on the cover? Am I really?

  25. Bibliomancer Says:

    Is that a strap-on teapot?

  26. B. Chiclitz Says:

    That is the mother of all tings! up there by the title.

  27. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @Phil 11—yes, and little tinker belle there seems to be about to return the favor on wolf man’s head!

  28. fred Says:

    Yeah the fairy’s got fake boobs and you gotta believe me
    Yeah I saw it, I saw it, I tell you no lies
    Yeah the fairy’s got fake boobs and you gotta believe me
    I saw it, I saw it with my own two eyes.

  29. fred Says:

    Good titty…title, good title. Another in the series.
    https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/71CU9ia48DL.jpg

  30. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @fred—I’m sure you found that on Chinese GSS!

    Do you think Bazoom-Hilda here realizes that, generally, it is not a good fashion move for a vampire to wear a cross?

  31. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @BC: high-heels do terrible, awful, no-good, very bad things to ladies’ knees. Yet women wear them day in and day out. Why? Fashion!

    Re: cover, I suppose Wolfman is the Vicar.

  32. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @DSWBT—Remember this one? They had their 15 minutes of fame back in the New Wave days (I’m dating myself but, hey, who doesn’t from time to time?).

  33. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @BC: remember? I saw Carole Pope at a free concert in Toronto…must’ve been ten years ago, maybe a bit more. WHAT a voice that lady has! Held the crowd spellbound for more than an hour. The fact that she was backed by a boy’s choir was hilarious, though intentionally so, I think…especially her performance of this little ditty.

  34. JuanPaul Says:

    That poor cat looks like she’s trying sneak away before they force her to get breast implants.

  35. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @DSWBT—my favorite Rough Trade tune was always High School Confidential.

    She drives a candy pink Cadillac
    If I don’t get her soon I’ll have a heart attack

  36. GSS noob Says:

    Liz’ last line in the description is so true. These are amusing anthologies without a hint of pretention, but thanks to BAEN, they all have bazooms that are about half a second away from needing Space Sheep. Luckily I didn’t read them on the bus.

    Other than BAEN, there’s no reason for these covers… the stories definitely aren’t aimed at 13 year old boys. Perhaps that’s why BAEN moved into ebooks earlier than other publishers — to avoid the whole bus embarrassment factor.

    Just looked at my copy. Dear sweet baby Jesus, you think it’s bad here, I can’t convey the horror of seeing it IRL. However, it does mean I can clarify that werewolf is a Scotsman wearing what remains of a kilt. Male.

    @B. Chiclitz: Does Tag Wizard get Fridays off? Because otherwise I too must beseech him to look upon that title TING! (it’s more than just a Ting!) and add that to the list.

  37. THX 1138 Says:

    “More tea, sicker?”

  38. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @GSSn: A werescotsman?

    *full moon*
    *open heath*
    *lone figure throws back his head*

    ‘ACHHHHHHHHHH!’

  39. GSS noob Says:

    @DSWBT:

    Also, as short as the kilt is, it was the No Pants Dance 24/7/365, no doubt about it, which I suppose makes him popular with the lassies. Hoots mon.

    But of course there are Highland werewolves, as that great British documentary series starring the chap in the blue box and his buxom companion showed.

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