Oct 14

I would suck your blood, but do you know how hard it is to keep this figure?Click for full image

BONUS Hi-Res Image!
Suitable for framing to hang in your man-cave.

Good Show Sir Art Direction: You know what type of reader suffers in the world of sci-fi/fantasy? Men! We need something for the men! So just put a redhead vampire chick with a huge rack right there on the front cover, holding her shotgun. It’s about time that we have something men can enjoy unlike those, dragons, swords, guns, lasers…….space ships…..oh…

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 8.35 out of 10)

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39 Responses to “Habeas Corpses”

  1. CSA Says:

    Ah. Sweet Baen, how i missed the horrific orange font.

    She must be super tough… she’s not even wearing shoulder pads

  2. SI Says:

    But man look at those shoulders! No wonder she doesn’t cover them up. They look like boulders.

  3. little mi Says:

    I think its the small things that make it special. The addition of the pointless and unnecessary [an] in the promotional quote. The Wm. Mark Simmons in a desperate attempt to engineer the authors name so it would fit just right and of course the delightful skull decoration on the doorway pillars; no kick-arse vampire lady would be without these little touches that make a home.

  4. Adam Roberts Says:

    Do you think ‘Wm’ is short for ‘William’, or do you think that’s actually his name? I prefer the latter hypothesis. I like the thought of people greeting him by shouting ‘Hey Wm! Wm! Over here! Wm!’

  5. SI Says:

    Excellent skull finding Little Mi 🙂 I strangely missed that completely!

    I’m also not convinced those straps around her waist actually hold anything in place.

    WM. is probably his street name. As in, DJ WM. ‘Raps about vampires and all that jazz.’

  6. Roses Says:

    D’ya know, she really ought to be careful with those, When she runs, she’s just going to knock herself unconscious. Not enought support!

    Well as long as Charlaine Harris thinks it’s worth reading…

  7. ugotpwn3d Says:

    She is clearly lifting her head up to see under her sunglasses. Guess that will teach her for wearing them at night!

  8. little mi Says:

    Perhaps the straps are there to hold in the evil child of satan that is about to dig its way out of her deceptively toned and placid belly in preparation for total world domination.

  9. SI Says:

    This cover has annoyed me now. While reading last night all I could image for a girl in the book was this women and then couldn’t stop laughing.

    Oh what fun nights I have….

  10. CSA Says:

    Police rookie: So which house do you think the evil vampire lives in?
    Sergeant: I’ve got this hunch it’s this one here, the house with the pillars and scary skulls beside the old oak door.
    Police rookie: Well how will we recognise her?
    Sergeant: Well if the movie Blade has taught me anything, we should just kill anything with lots of leather and wears sunglasses all the time
    Police rookie: but what about emo kids…
    Sergeant: I said kill anything…

  11. Roses Says:

    Two Suited Gentlemen : Good evening madam. Would you like a copy of WatchTower? Have you accepted the Word of God into your life?

    Evil Vampire Wench weighs up her need for a quick snack….

  12. SI Says:

    “Excuse me miss, we are investigating a series of murders in the area where the victims have had bite marks in there necks and shotgun wounds to the chest. Have you seen anything unusual lately?”

  13. Mark V Thomas Says:

    “Durham Red ! Is that you…??” – Search & Destroy Agent a/k/a “Strontium Dog” Johnny Alpha

  14. Tom Noir Says:

    I didn’t realize this cover was already on this site! Habeas CORPSES, Baen? I think even you guys should be a little ashamed of that one. Or, you know, this cover in general.

  15. Justin Leego Says:

    Immense, isn’t it? Equally, they could have gone with a World War III-style hewn block and got away with it, such is the aweful majesty of the pun.

  16. Tom Noir Says:

    I deduce from this cover that “Wm.” Mark Simmons (seriously, what is he abbreviating? ‘William”?? ‘Woman’???) writes about vampires that never need to pee, because imagine if this, erm, lovely lady had to hit the loo in a hurry. By the time she untangled herself from all those straps and chains… let’s just say she’d be nocturinal.

  17. FeârofMusic Says:

    @Tom Noir(not yet of the Red Planet) You have just raised an intriguing point, and one I don’t think I’ve seen in any vampire movie. Do vampires urinate? And if so, do they pee blood? And why would a vampire EVER wear sunglasses? For ironic effect? Or to displace suspicion? ‘Wait… sun… glasses. Sun… chief, that can’t be a vampire! Vampires can’t stand the sun! She’s wearing’ sunglasses ‘. See where I’m going here?’

  18. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @FoM: they urinate type P.

    Mummy says I’m not allowed to make that joke ever again. 🙁

  19. THX 1138 Says:

    A vampire urinates in a public toilet in the Stephen King novella The Night Flyer, and yes, it pees blood. Knew that information would come in handy one day!

  20. A.R.Yngve Says:

    Now, that is one clunky blurb. Almost as bad as
    “[An] action-containing bundle of hi-jinks through a world which is alive…”

  21. anon Says:

    Who in his right mind would abbreviate his first name like that? You’d simply initial the second name.
    So… I’m thinking Wachtmeister.

  22. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @anon: I agree with Adam above, maybe that’s how his mummy and daddy named him. Period and all.

    @SI: do you recall what book you were reading? If it was The Handmaid’s Tale, I quite understand.

  23. fred Says:

    Vampire legal series with witty Latin titles? I wonder if she works with Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.

  24. THX 1138 Says:

    Exemplary Kenneth Williams impersonation, madam!

  25. JuanPaul Says:

    Writing a novel is so easy. Just string a bunch of events together and voilĂ ! Off to the publisher!

  26. Bibliomancer Says:

    Habeas corpses? She must be a lady vampire lawyer.
    Does she take pro boner cases?

  27. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @B’Mancer—I’m sure she does. After all, she’s an amicus cutie.

  28. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    The Phryne Defense, demonstrated.

  29. Bibliomancer Says:

    @BC – nipso facto !

  30. Tag Wizard Says:

    New: BONUS Hi-Res Image!
    Suitable for framing to hang in your man-cave.

  31. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @TW: Could you add an ‘undo’ function on my brain, please?

  32. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @B’Mancer—fortunately, she is also good at reasoning a posteriori.

  33. Tat Wood Says:

    I’m too English to know this: is it actually possible to hold a gun that heavy in this way? She’s got her wrist wrapped around it like en garde in quarte, as can be seen from Tag Wizard’s super-de luxe image.

  34. Bibliomancer Says:

    @BC – I heard in college she was magna cum laud-ly

  35. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @Tat: I’ll spare you the worry of looking at the Hi-Res Image, she is inserting the stock of the rifle down the front of her leather trousers!!! Does that answer your question?

  36. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @TW, DeadSWBT—Is that an en garde in quarte in your trousers or are you just glad to see me?

    @B’Mancer—Good Show Sir!

  37. Tom Noir Says:

    @DSWBT – nah, she’s just resting the stock against her hip. I don’t think any trouser insertion is in the offing.

    The real mystery here is – why is she wearing swim goggles??

  38. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @Bibliomancer—by the way, I believe that college was Mount St. Mary.

  39. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @Tat: you CAN hold it that way, but it puts it in an impossible position to use (and it’ll take a while for you to get it into a usable position), and you will look like a complete prat if you do.

    Also, to me, the blurb looks like an “event-pocked” romp, which… pocked by bullets? pocked by readers slamming their heads against the wall? pocked by acne scars, of which the readers have many?

    @Tom Noir: I don’t think her straps are attached to anything, so they wouldn’t slow her down in unbuckling for the loo. However, peeling and shucking the trousers themselves might take a while. Even though she hasn’t far to drop them, they might be vacuum-sealed. Maybe she’ll just shoot ’em off. Maybe there’s a knife at the base of the stock.

    @GSS Admin: Even though you have NOT used my submissions I sent in during the festive season, I have this very day photographed some more BAEN! *explosion*. If you shan’t use my whatever-the-days-between-Boxing-Day-and-New-Year’s-Eve-are-called, I shall try again during Ramadan. BAEN! offends people of all or no religion. (Offends Muslims a LOT since late 2001.)

    (I looked at some old ones that were printed whilst The Masterful Lord Himself was still alive, and they weren’t nearly as hideous. No worse than others of that era.)

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