Feb 07

It’s time for Mars Sexytime Honourable Mentions. And it’s a score in more ways than one. Scraping the bottom of the Mars barrel, here are three also-rans that, for various reasons, didn’t meet our STRICT AND RIGIDLY ENFORCED GROUND RULES.

Sex Life on the Planet Mars. I can’t find much info on whether this is comedy, sci-fi or maybe even a mystery. But I’m not surprised it’s written by this guy. Somewhere Capt Kirk is getting a boner.

Puts the Martian in M.I.L.F.Click for larger image

A Princess of Mars. Further proof of the benefits of novels losing their copyright and entering the public domain. This is an actual by-the-rules science fiction book cover, but it’s print-on-demand and I didn’t feel like spending a tenner of Tag Wizard’s expense account money to buy a copy.

A Poledancer of MarsClick for larger image

Mars Ho! It’s a Kindle ebook cover. I think it’s also paperback but, since nobody is in a hurry to send that cover in, this will just have to do.

Let's throw a hoedown!Click for larger image

Good Show Sir Comments: Thanks to Cyndi-with-an-i, me, and Sir Douglas Quintet for sending these in.

Published 1986, 2008, and 2017

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 9.00 out of 10)

Tagged with:

19 Responses to “Honourable Mentions 20”

  1. Brandi Says:

    Fans of the Girl Genius webcomic will recognize that first cover’s art as being done by Phil Foglio.

  2. THX 1139 Says:

    1: Why are you making me think of Toy Story? STOP SULLYING THE NAME OF TOY STORY!!!

    2: The expression that says she’s just about to offer some very unconvincing excuses.

    3: Well, there’s no call for that kind of language.

  3. Bibliomancer Says:

    1. “Hey Mom and Dad! I found this cartoon book in your bedroom. Please read it to me!”

    2. Disney Studios Art Direction: “We lost our ass making John Carter and we still have the rights to A Princess of Mars. Let’s turn this over to Pixar and cut their budget 99%.”

    3. “Let’s do a quickie before the frostbite sets in!”

  4. Francis Boyle Says:

    #1 It’s two eyes, three breasts – even Arnie knows that.
    #2 Tiny hands – must be Ivanka after the exile.
    #3 What a stirring location for romance – Dutch porta-potties.

  5. fred Says:

    1. Vaughn Bode?

  6. fred Says:

    1. Nope. Phil Foglio. Full wrap around.

  7. B. Chiclitz Says:

    Nice rollover texts for these three.
    @Bibliomancer (2.1) GSS!

  8. B. Chiclitz Says:

    (3) “Spaceman Bob to Earth. Spaceman Bob to Earth. I have finally discovered clear evidence of ancient life on Mars. Looks like they spent a lot of time doing laundry.”

  9. Tor Mented Says:

    1.) This is part of a series ending with “Sex Life on Uranus.”
    What? Hey, someone had to.

    2.) A Princess of Bars, more like.

  10. Tor Mented Says:

    Addendum: I’d like to note that Barsoom is just one letter away from barroom.

  11. Leak Says:

    Well, my first thought one the first one was “Phil Foglio?” – turns out I was correct… 🙂

    (Go read Girl Genius if you haven’t…)

  12. Tat Wood Says:

    1. Forewarned…
    2. Dejah View
    3. Someone mis-heard ‘Barsoom’ as ‘bathroom’.

  13. Hammy Says:

    1. It’s a collection of mysteries/detective stories, saith Goodreads. Amazon has it listed, one collectable for a price I wouldn’t entertain:

    2. Dejah Thoris *does not* have purple hair!

    3. It looks to me like there are *two* Mars hos on that cover….

  14. Bruce A Munro Says:

    1. looking at the full cover, I see the “Cute/hot Monster Girl” trope is in play.
    2. A transcript of ER Burroughs’ Sims game.
    3. a. Is it possible the writer didn’t recognize the double entendre?
    b. I think you’re right, @Tat: my immediate thought on seeing the bottom half of that cover is “Porta- potties! In! Spaaace!”

    @Francis Boyle: that sort of anti-trinocular, anti-hexapedal prejudice just leads to Wars of the Worlds.

  15. A.R.Yngve Says:

    “Mars Ho”:

    Nothing says “romance” like being cooped up in a cramped, smelly Martian trailer home for years, literally MILLIONS of miles from a bathtub, sharing every fart and bad breath with your smelly, half-crazed bunkmates.

  16. A.R.Yngve Says:

    Cover #1:

    What exactly is the benefit of three eyes, unless the third one is in the back of your head?

    “I can see your nose so much better than you, Earthling! Every pore and wart and nose hair and booger… Eww! Get out of my sight…”

  17. GSS ex-noob Says:

    #1: written by Brown and cover by Foglio, the chances of it NOT being a spoof are slim and none. The three eyes disturb me more than the extra arms.

    #2: I thought Dejah had coal-black hair? She’s almost canonically naked, though.

    #3: Aptly named?

  18. Anti-Sceptic Says:

    I think they missed the apostrophe at the end of Mars.

  19. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @AS: Yes, but in these futuristic liberated days, which one is the ho? Or should it have been plural?

Leave a Reply