Sep 10

'Time for a Webinar!'Click for larger image

Tag Wizard comments: Spam Folder Alert! Have you sent us some special terrible cover photos using our lovely “Submit” button recently? I just noticed our mail client decided that many of your covers are trash and belong in our spam folder. I was only able to save those from the last month, so, if you sent us something feel free to resend it so your special cover photo can get all the proper attention it deserves. So sorry!

Published 2008

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 8.08 out of 10)

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16 Responses to “Plague Monkey Spam”

  1. B. Chiclitz Says:

    Inside you!

  2. THX 1139 Says:

    Is Steve Vernon a Nigerian Prince with money to burn?

  3. fred Says:

    Krull, one of the greatest movies ever made. Freddie Jones, godlike action hero.

  4. Randall Frost Says:

    The Curlz font was never the same after it was savaged in a back alley by a gang of Sans Serifs.

  5. Francis Boyle Says:

    Ah, the cycle of life. Woman eats smurf, in turn gets eaten by giant spider.

    Also Woman Eats Smurf is my new band name.

  6. JuanPaul Says:

    I was wondering where all my terrible covers were!

  7. Bibliomancer Says:

    Read all about it

  8. Tor Mented Says:

    “Charlotte’s Web” gets a gritty reboot.

  9. Tor Mented Says:

    @fred: Despite all its flaws, I love “Krull.” That scene is one reason.

  10. GSS ex-noob Says:

    Ugly, stupid AND a bad font!

    @B’man: plus an overwrought and overstated blurb AND a giant grammar error in the synopsis.

    It’s a quint-fecta of badness.

    @Tag: obviously the spam filter doesn’t have our refined sense of taste. OTOH, perhaps publishers should use it — if your art is rejected by the spam filter, then it shouldn’t progress to human eyes and certainly not be published.

    (Fill in your own BAEN! and ‘AI rising up against humanity’ jokes here)

  11. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @GSSxn—maybe he’s just so superspecial as a writer that he can’t be contained by the mere singular. When he writes a novella, it’s a novellas!

  12. Bruce A Munro Says:

    So that’s one of the monkeys coming out of the woman’s mouth? Gotta say, when I hear the term “plague monkey” I tend to think of monkeys that _carry_ disease, rather than monkeys that _are_ a disease.

    “I’ve been puking monkeys all day” is a line that would never have occurred to me before, so…thanks Steve?

  13. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @BC: It contains multitudes… of badness.

    @Bruce: Yeah, to me “plague monkey” is a primate that bites someone and transmits a disease at the beginning of a thriller. Not something that comes out of the mouth of a tiny, tiny woman figure caught in a spider’s web (because the spider must be small thanks to the square-cube law). And I doubt a normal-sized woman could puke up a normal-sized monkey if that’s a fake spider.

    Also, when your name’s “Vernon”, maybe don’t put it in a font that makes it look like “Venom” when there’s a spider on the cover.

    Fine line between clever and stupid, there, Steve.

  14. Bruce A Munro Says:

    @GSS ex-noob: according to the blurb bibliomancer posted that’s Anansi, who’s a spider-god and therefore exempt from the square-cube law in the lower 48 plus Puerto Rico.

    That font, though, while not breaking any laws of physics, still shouldn’t be legal.

  15. GSS ex-noob Says:

    Alrighty, I’ll give Anansi a pass, being a god and all. I still don’t see how that arm fits into/comes out of the woman who presumably isn’t a goddess. And if it belongs to a titular monkey, why is it blue? Plague effect?

    That font might be just barely acceptable on a wacky cozy mystery-with-recipes-or-gardening, but even then I’d err on the side of making it illegal.

    When I first saw the title of the post before the cover assaulted my eyes I thought maybe @Admin or @Tag W had gotten unsolicited email blaming monkeys for Covid, and advertising injectible bleach as a cure. Or injecting monkey serum as a cure.

    Something stupid like that, as opposed to the something stupid it actually is.

  16. A. R. Yngve Says:

    Cover shown without the brown paper bag that originally came with each copy.

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