May 04

Conan say 'Ugg' ... make the best boots!Click for larger image

Good Show Sir Comments: Anatomical issues: when one of your thighs is wider than your girlfriend’s arse.

Thanks to Ryan for sending this in.

Published 1993

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 7.11 out of 10)

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16 Responses to “Conan and the Treasure of Python”

  1. THX 1139 Says:

    Looks like they’re perfecting their silly walks.

  2. Bruce A Munro Says:

    From the way Conan is giving us the side-eye, he knows how ridiculous they both look, but he’s just going to roll with it.

    Extra Unknown Artist Institute points for giving the woman an undersized sword with an oversized phallic handle, and extremely uncomfortable looking metal leg-embossing. Frankly, painting herself blue and fighting entirely naked would be more dignified.

    “Even the wealth of ages is no good to a dead man.”

    Yeah, that’s what all the tomb robbers say.

  3. fred Says:

    When Basil Poledouris stops giggling he’ll try to compose some appropriate music.

  4. Griz Says:

    He short sword must be made out of something REALLY heavy for her to have to use both muscular arms to hold it up.

  5. Bibliomancer Says:

    Code-man the Barbarian

  6. Francis Boyle Says:

    If that’s Hyborian Age spelunking gear I’ll stick to the present. (And stay out of any caves that appear to have nasty looking teeth just to be sure.)

  7. Tat Wood Says:

    ‘Today, on a very special episode of ‘Dickinson’s Real Deal’, David and guest presenter Stacey Dooley find ancient weapons that look cheap as chips.’

  8. Tor Mented Says:

    Conan’s old battle axe has an unusually rounded bottom. But he still love to hold her tight.

  9. JuanPaul Says:

    @Griz I think what she is holding is a Hyborian Shake Weight.

  10. Tracy Says:

    The artist is Julie Bell, a former bodybuilder and girlfriend/protege of Boris Vallejo.

    This cover *almost* comes together to be merely average and forgettable, but the WTF elements just pop out. Conan looks like the lead actor in grade-Z movie Ninja Cop, for example. And both look like they’re thinking about where to get their next waxing.

    Also, the girlfriend’s feet are WAY too big. She’s at least a woman’s size 12!

    I guess the feet make up for the sword, which is embarrassingly short. Maybe the artist originally gave her a normal one, but the editors started complaining that a woman shouldn’t have a weapon that was more impressive than a man’s. So they had the artist do a hasty truncation. I bet she was pissed.

  11. B. Chiclitz Says:

    Conan say, “Woman must have size 12 feet or she cannot be barbarian queen. Feet must be longer than dagger.”

  12. Tor Mented Says:

    But the python don’t want none unless you got buns, hon.

  13. GSS ex-noob Says:

    “Treasure of Python”, OTT sword and sorcery art, and yet there is no giant snake on the cover? For shame!

    Girlfriend isn’t going to be very much help at fighting. She’s got the broken spine leading to the boobs and butt pose too often seen, and her knife is apparently heavy enough she has to use both hands, yet the hilt is longer than the blade. I do approve of her not having gigantic breasts, but … I’ll let Fats Waller tell it:

    This may also be true of Conan. Or his might be really small — who can tell with those Uggs on?

    @B’man: indeed!

    @Bruce: that fancy leg armor isn’t going to do anything but dig in. Same with the G-string. The lady would be better off only wearing the bucklers and bra. Maybe she could turn the G-string into a slingshot.

    @Tor: GSS!

  14. A. R. Yngve Says:

    That’s a really stupid way to hold a dagger…

  15. A. R. Yngve Says:

    “I envy you, Conan!”
    “How so, wench? For my strength?”
    “No, for having larger breasts than I do!”

  16. Emster Says:

    I’ve seen a lot of really bad Conan covers over the years… this one is eye-wateringly bad.

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