Jul 15
Brian’s Art Direction: What makes vampires scary? Exactly: it’s their lack of proportion. It’s their slightly big heads and taste for late-80s haircuts. Imagine a vampiress Bonnie Tyler. Get to it.
Published 1989
Many thanks to Brian!
July 15th, 2010 at 9:29 am
Way to attract people to what has been neglected.
July 15th, 2010 at 10:46 am
I think she’s just trying to be a bat.
July 15th, 2010 at 11:47 am
Dracula’s brood gots no arms, yo.
July 15th, 2010 at 11:58 am
Her eyes are just… wrong. It feels like they’re askew, floating around her face. Is that part of her dark necromantic powers? The ability to hypnotize you with her badly drawn eyes?
July 15th, 2010 at 11:59 am
Methinks Dracula’s mom took too much thalidomide during pregnancy.
July 15th, 2010 at 12:35 pm
She’s the Patchwork Drac, it seems. Great sins have been done in the name of layering…
July 15th, 2010 at 2:59 pm
“Ooooo … Heathcliffe! It’s me, Oh Cathy, I’m coming ho-o-o-ome …’
July 15th, 2010 at 3:01 pm
The terrible irony here is that if I saw just the text blurb on the cover–classic vampire stories by these authors–I’d be tempted to buy this book. But the cover art would make me put it back on the shelf.
July 15th, 2010 at 3:11 pm
the sad thing is, equation managed to restore a handful of properly neglected ghost story and horror collections into the public eye – but with utterly lamentable covers. i cherish my copies of these books, but am still overwhelmed by the horribleness of those awful, awful covers…
July 15th, 2010 at 5:10 pm
Has she swapped heads with someone? If she has she should have chosen one with a better fit. Putting that scarf round her neck is fooling no-one.
Head-swapping Vampires. It could catch on.
July 15th, 2010 at 10:20 pm
Simon> You maybe on to something there.
I seem to remember a scary head-swapping witch in the movie Return to Oz. That scene in the head room used to scare the living crap out of me as a kid.
July 16th, 2010 at 3:24 am
This woman’s face has been distracting us from giving our attention to some other worthy elements of this cover. For instance, that moon – is it just me or does it look like it’s in FRONT of her hair? And what is she doing to that poor bat? Is she throwing it?
July 16th, 2010 at 7:23 am
Look at at what you’ve done to my manicure … I’ll have your blood for that … muuaaahh ….
July 16th, 2010 at 9:07 am
Surely this is the cover art for “Dracula’s Bhangra”?
July 16th, 2010 at 9:40 am
For a moment then I thought it was a boomerang and this was some kind of Australian vampire lady. I was very glad to see it was just a bat…Phew…
July 16th, 2010 at 9:55 am
Would it have hurt the artist to place a single lock of Kate Bush Vampire’s hair in front of the moon? That way the moon wouldn’t look as though it was a pearly globe floating in front of her like one of those balls in Phantasm.
July 17th, 2010 at 8:37 pm
There’s something very wrong with this cover, but I can’t put my finger on it.
I suppose it matches the title I keep reading, Dracula’s Broad.
July 22nd, 2010 at 2:42 am
I was actually just reading this, my copy has a some what different cover though.
April 17th, 2013 at 8:19 pm
Aw, the days before the ‘Twilight’ books, when vampires weren’t sparkly…
they were cross-eyed.
April 17th, 2013 at 8:28 pm
John T at #14 *owns* with “Dracula’s Bhangra.”
Well put, sir. Well put.
August 24th, 2015 at 7:01 pm
“I’m going to go across the street and get you some orange SHER-BET.“
January 7th, 2016 at 9:01 am
“My brood? They are this tall. One is a doctor, the other one’s a lawyer. But they never call!”
January 7th, 2016 at 3:37 pm
It’s tough being a neglected Vampire. Not only does the brood never call, but with the constant blood shortages, the coffin that so desperately needs recarpeting, bad dental care and all, it’s enough to make you want to just go out walking in the sun sometimes.
January 7th, 2016 at 3:40 pm
I should add, with that hair, maybe what we need here is “Dracula’s Snood.”
January 7th, 2016 at 4:02 pm
I begin to suspect the problem with this cover art is that the original was cut up and then was poorly stuck back together by someone.
Dracula’s Glued?
January 7th, 2016 at 4:23 pm
THE BROOD THAT CAME TO DRACULA.
Someone had to make that joke eventually.
January 7th, 2016 at 5:22 pm
And who, @DSWBT, better than thee to make it?
January 7th, 2016 at 10:20 pm
The woman lifts her hands to strike the keyboard and play the first chords of…
DRACULA’S ETUDE
January 7th, 2016 at 11:00 pm
Turns out it’s not a woman but a guy in a white dress and wig …
DRACULA’S DUDE
January 8th, 2016 at 1:20 am
Dracula’s offspring swim through the oily black…
DRACULA’S CRUDE
January 8th, 2016 at 2:06 am
Dracula, his offspring, and his Great Aunt Betsy go on a game show where the top five answers are on the board. It’s…
DRACULA’S FEUD
January 8th, 2016 at 3:09 am
Aha! The game’s afoot, Watson. And as a master of criminal psychology I would say that the solution to this bloody crime hinges entirely on . . .
DRACULA’S MOOD
January 8th, 2016 at 1:10 pm
I’ve never been so insulted in my life, you utter Count!
DRACULA’S RUDE
January 8th, 2016 at 7:58 pm
The war of words escalates quickly, leading to legal action claiming libel and slander.
DRACULA’S SUED
January 9th, 2016 at 10:03 pm
The thing about Dracula’s Brood is, they’re not so good at expressing themselves. Dance, song, even just sharing your feelings, it doesn’t come so easy for them.
When I was in my last year of school, I was in class with one of Dracula’s Brood. We knew each other a bit, having done the school musical together. Anyway, that February–just before Valentine’s–I woke from horrid dreams to find that my whole family had been slaughtered. All with their throats torn out, and pounds–pounds!–of blood splattered across the walls.
And as I was reeling with horror at the sight, Melody–that was her name–stumbled up to me with a little box, tied up tight with pink ribbon. ‘I just was passing by,’ she tried to say, playing it off–but who is just passing by at a fellow’s house in the small hours of the morning? The words never got past her lips. She awkwardly thrust the box at me. Mutely, I took it and I opened it. ‘I Love Ded Stuff’ was written in currants on two dozen sugar cookies.
Before I could say ‘Thank you’ or ‘That’s not how you spell my name’, she was gone.
That next day at school, the gossips’ tongues were wagging that SOMEONE with enormous bat wings and the eyes of a man had been passing through my neighborhood that night. Melody, of course, skipped. We never spoke another word to each other.
Dracula’s Brood. Just so socially awkward.
January 10th, 2016 at 8:02 pm
“Children of the night!” cried Dracula. “Who has pilfered my Quaaludes?”
Woe the maiden who stole…
DRACULA’S LUDES
January 13th, 2016 at 11:24 pm
‘Go away, you meddlesome bat!’
DRACULA’S SHOO’ED.
November 17th, 2016 at 1:29 am
Ol’ Drac found himself hypnotized into thinking he was on the beach. All a case of
DRACULA’S DELUDE…d
June 13th, 2017 at 5:31 am
The monthly visit to the blood bank for a withdrawal, and *everyone* shows up at the same time!
DRACULA’s QUEUED
June 13th, 2017 at 8:22 am
The scandal that rocked Transylvania! The count as you’ve never seen him before! Watch out, because…
DRACULA’S NUDE
December 5th, 2017 at 9:19 pm
This cover is so bad that …
DRACULA’S BOOED.
December 6th, 2017 at 12:14 am
Ah, it’s been so long since we made bad puns about this book…
DRACULA’S INTERLUDE
December 6th, 2017 at 12:32 am
I’m just the vampire’s old lady …
DRACULA’S BROAD
December 6th, 2017 at 12:38 am
@DSWBT: In that case it’s …
DRACULA’S RENEWED.
December 6th, 2017 at 5:12 am
She’s just one of many women coming forward with sexual misconduct allegations against The Count. Looks like…
DRACULA’S SCREWED
December 6th, 2017 at 11:11 am
@JP: he’s claiming he not only never necked with her, he avoided he all together.
DRACULA’S ESCHEWED
July 17th, 2021 at 3:16 pm
His lust for crust was stronger than death! He wanted…
DRACULA’S BREAD
July 17th, 2021 at 3:42 pm
Here we go again….
Dracula decides he needs a new hobby, so he buys a beer-making kit and starts to experiment. Before you know it, (yep, you saw it coming)
DRACULA’S (HOME-)BREWED….
August 9th, 2021 at 6:01 pm
“Coming soon on Netflix: Your favorite prehistoric family is back, and this time they’re about to meet the Prince of Prehistoric Darkness! It’s…
DRACULA’S CROODS”
August 10th, 2021 at 12:54 am
The cover had to be pasted together again after the dog got at it.
DRACULA’S CHEWED
August 10th, 2021 at 4:30 am
He used a hair salon as a cover for his mind-control plot:
DRACULA’S SHAMPOOED
August 10th, 2021 at 9:00 am
But the hair salon was so successful that soon there was a whole chain of them. The plot was forgotten in favor of the profit. Dracula’s money man called in the marketing team. “Ok business is taking off and I want to push it. I want a total media blitz, I want ads everywhere. Be as creative as you want, just make sure . . .
DRACULA’S BALLYHOOED!”
February 3rd, 2022 at 9:39 pm
Could she possibly be…Thuvia?
https://www.goodshowsir.co.uk/?p=15112
February 3rd, 2022 at 10:56 pm
Derpula.
February 5th, 2022 at 12:14 pm
Could such an unholy thing be? Evil defied nature and the laws of metabolism with…
DRACULA’S POO
February 5th, 2022 at 5:09 pm
@A.R. Yngve: unless his metabolism turns it directly into energy, all that blood he drinks has to move through the system somehow or he’ll eventually burst.