Jul 15

I will seduce you with my powers of... interpretative dance!Click for full image

Brian’s Art Direction: What makes vampires scary? Exactly: it’s their lack of proportion. It’s their slightly big heads and taste for late-80s haircuts. Imagine a vampiress Bonnie Tyler. Get to it.
Published 1989

Many thanks to Brian!

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 8.90 out of 10)

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46 Responses to “Dracula’s Brood”

  1. SophaLoaf Says:

    Way to attract people to what has been neglected.

  2. SI Says:

    I think she’s just trying to be a bat.

  3. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Dracula’s brood gots no arms, yo.

  4. Tom Noir Says:

    Her eyes are just… wrong. It feels like they’re askew, floating around her face. Is that part of her dark necromantic powers? The ability to hypnotize you with her badly drawn eyes?

  5. DeadRobot Says:

    Methinks Dracula’s mom took too much thalidomide during pregnancy.

  6. Nix Says:

    She’s the Patchwork Drac, it seems. Great sins have been done in the name of layering…

  7. Adam Roberts Says:

    “Ooooo … Heathcliffe! It’s me, Oh Cathy, I’m coming ho-o-o-ome …’

  8. Brian B Says:

    The terrible irony here is that if I saw just the text blurb on the cover–classic vampire stories by these authors–I’d be tempted to buy this book. But the cover art would make me put it back on the shelf.

  9. Chris Browning Says:

    the sad thing is, equation managed to restore a handful of properly neglected ghost story and horror collections into the public eye – but with utterly lamentable covers. i cherish my copies of these books, but am still overwhelmed by the horribleness of those awful, awful covers…

  10. Simon Says:

    Has she swapped heads with someone? If she has she should have chosen one with a better fit. Putting that scarf round her neck is fooling no-one.

    Head-swapping Vampires. It could catch on.

  11. SI Says:

    Simon> You maybe on to something there.

    I seem to remember a scary head-swapping witch in the movie Return to Oz. That scene in the head room used to scare the living crap out of me as a kid.

  12. Tom Noir Says:

    This woman’s face has been distracting us from giving our attention to some other worthy elements of this cover. For instance, that moon – is it just me or does it look like it’s in FRONT of her hair? And what is she doing to that poor bat? Is she throwing it?

  13. Tommi Says:

    Look at at what you’ve done to my manicure … I’ll have your blood for that … muuaaahh ….

  14. John T Says:

    Surely this is the cover art for “Dracula’s Bhangra”?

  15. Little Mi Says:

    For a moment then I thought it was a boomerang and this was some kind of Australian vampire lady. I was very glad to see it was just a bat…Phew…

  16. James Lovegrove Says:

    Would it have hurt the artist to place a single lock of Kate Bush Vampire’s hair in front of the moon? That way the moon wouldn’t look as though it was a pearly globe floating in front of her like one of those balls in Phantasm.

  17. anon Says:

    There’s something very wrong with this cover, but I can’t put my finger on it.
    I suppose it matches the title I keep reading, Dracula’s Broad.

  18. JoshG Says:

    I was actually just reading this, my copy has a some what different cover though.

  19. Tom Noir Says:

    Aw, the days before the ‘Twilight’ books, when vampires weren’t sparkly…

    they were cross-eyed.

  20. A.R.Yngve Says:

    John T at #14 *owns* with “Dracula’s Bhangra.”
    Well put, sir. Well put.

  21. anon Says:

    I’m going to go across the street and get you some orange SHER-BET.

  22. A.R.Yngve Says:

    “My brood? They are this tall. One is a doctor, the other one’s a lawyer. But they never call!”

  23. B. Chiclitz Says:

    It’s tough being a neglected Vampire. Not only does the brood never call, but with the constant blood shortages, the coffin that so desperately needs recarpeting, bad dental care and all, it’s enough to make you want to just go out walking in the sun sometimes.

  24. B. Chiclitz Says:

    I should add, with that hair, maybe what we need here is “Dracula’s Snood.”

  25. Tom Noir Says:

    I begin to suspect the problem with this cover art is that the original was cut up and then was poorly stuck back together by someone.

    Dracula’s Glued?

  26. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:


    Someone had to make that joke eventually.

  27. B. Chiclitz Says:

    And who, @DSWBT, better than thee to make it?

  28. Tom Noir Says:

    The woman lifts her hands to strike the keyboard and play the first chords of…


  29. Bibliomancer Says:

    Turns out it’s not a woman but a guy in a white dress and wig …


  30. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Dracula’s offspring swim through the oily black…


  31. Tom Noir Says:

    Dracula, his offspring, and his Great Aunt Betsy go on a game show where the top five answers are on the board. It’s…


  32. B. Chiclitz Says:

    Aha! The game’s afoot, Watson. And as a master of criminal psychology I would say that the solution to this bloody crime hinges entirely on . . .


  33. THX 1138 Says:

    I’ve never been so insulted in my life, you utter Count!


  34. Tom Noir Says:

    The war of words escalates quickly, leading to legal action claiming libel and slander.


  35. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    The thing about Dracula’s Brood is, they’re not so good at expressing themselves. Dance, song, even just sharing your feelings, it doesn’t come so easy for them.

    When I was in my last year of school, I was in class with one of Dracula’s Brood. We knew each other a bit, having done the school musical together. Anyway, that February–just before Valentine’s–I woke from horrid dreams to find that my whole family had been slaughtered. All with their throats torn out, and pounds–pounds!–of blood splattered across the walls.

    And as I was reeling with horror at the sight, Melody–that was her name–stumbled up to me with a little box, tied up tight with pink ribbon. ‘I just was passing by,’ she tried to say, playing it off–but who is just passing by at a fellow’s house in the small hours of the morning? The words never got past her lips. She awkwardly thrust the box at me. Mutely, I took it and I opened it. ‘I Love Ded Stuff’ was written in currants on two dozen sugar cookies.

    Before I could say ‘Thank you’ or ‘That’s not how you spell my name’, she was gone.

    That next day at school, the gossips’ tongues were wagging that SOMEONE with enormous bat wings and the eyes of a man had been passing through my neighborhood that night. Melody, of course, skipped. We never spoke another word to each other.

    Dracula’s Brood. Just so socially awkward.

  36. A.R.Yngve Says:

    “Children of the night!” cried Dracula. “Who has pilfered my Quaaludes?”
    Woe the maiden who stole…

  37. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    ‘Go away, you meddlesome bat!’


  38. L.B. Says:

    Ol’ Drac found himself hypnotized into thinking he was on the beach. All a case of


  39. Hammy Says:

    The monthly visit to the blood bank for a withdrawal, and *everyone* shows up at the same time!


  40. A.R.Yngve Says:

    The scandal that rocked Transylvania! The count as you’ve never seen him before! Watch out, because…

  41. Tor Mented Says:

    This cover is so bad that …

  42. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Ah, it’s been so long since we made bad puns about this book…


  43. Bibliomancer Says:

    I’m just the vampire’s old lady …


  44. Tor Mented Says:

    @DSWBT: In that case it’s …

  45. JuanPaul Says:

    She’s just one of many women coming forward with sexual misconduct allegations against The Count. Looks like…


  46. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @JP: he’s claiming he not only never necked with her, he avoided he all together.


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