Dec 06

The universe's most elaborate chastity belt. Click for full image

Tom Noir Comments:That key unlocks WHAT now??
Published 1993 or 1996

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 8.49 out of 10)

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33 Responses to “The Planet Pirates”

  1. THX 1138 Says:

    When bling goes bad.

  2. fearofmusic Says:

    that is fugly. with a capitol f.

  3. Tag Wizard Says:

    Blinging Bad — S05E07
    Walter appears wearing enormous space-chastitybelt and dangling a key at loin level.

    Declan: Who the hell are you?
    Walter White: You all know exactly who I am. Now say my name.
    Declan: Er… Anne McCaffrey?
    Walter White: I’m the cook. I’m the guy who killed Gus Fring.
    Declan: …Elizabeth Moon?
    Walter White: Are you sure? Didn’t think so. Now say my name.
    Declan: You’re Jody Lynn?
    Walter White: You’re god damn rig– wait, who spiked my coffee again? Wake me up! Wake me upppp!

  4. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @Tom: That’s the emergency braid release key. In case they get caught in her power armour.

    It looks like they put all of the power in her shoulders, and none in her hands!

  5. Bibliomancer Says:

    The Mummers Parade is starting early this year.

  6. HappyBookwyrm Says:

    Is she trying to disguise herself simultaneously as a Borg and a chrome DeLorian?

  7. Rags Says:

    Mech suits with glass helmets should be disregarded immediately.

  8. Peppermint Says:

    I am trying to recall just where in the story that turns up… Really now, I have a cover I am sure was featured before that at least shows a scene!

  9. Jaouad Says:

    What Liberace’s 1996 Christmas costume would have looked like.

  10. A.R.Yngve Says:

    Well, at least the suit doesn’t have a stupid cleavage…

  11. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @AR: You really think that’s her helmet at the top, don’t you? 😉

  12. Tat Wood Says:

    It’s the thing you put on top of your Christmas Tree if you can’t decide between a fairy, an angel or a tinfoil star with twinkly lights.

  13. Tom Noir Says:

    How am I just now noticing that she has two, erm, ‘phallic devices’ strapped to her legs?

  14. B. Chiclitz Says:

    Well, I’m trying to figure out how she straightens those arms. There’s no joint visible at all, and ll that tubing looks pretty rigid.The permanently crooked elbow. New fashion statement, I guess.

  15. fred Says:

    Sassinek? 5assnok? What does it say above her face?

  16. Bibliomancer Says:

    @fred — I believe that reads “Sassinak” which is another title in this “Planet Pirate” series. That might be the lady’s name but I don’t care enough to check.

  17. Jaouad Says:

    If that’s her helmet, then I’d like to see her navigate the corridors of her space pirate ship with that metalic plate covering her face.

  18. A.R.Yngve Says:

    Picture the scene:
    “I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up!!”

  19. NGpm Says:

    Those braids look like they’d greatly interfere with maintaining a proper vacuum seal on that spacesuit.

  20. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @Bibliomancer: Goodness, you’re right! This sounds like what Gunpei Yokoi cribbed for Samus Aran’s back story.

  21. TimP Says:

    This armour confuses me. As far as I can tell her chest is still unarmoured (that’s just a shirt, or maybe even a bra that you can see in the gap between the armour), but she’s wearing shoulder plates that would weigh more than she would.

    I was pretty sure that most people considered the bit of air six inches above their left shoulder to to be somewhat less valuable than the soft squishy organs inside their chest cavity, but maybe I was mistaken about that. I’m honestly unsure if the stereotypical chainmail bikini would be worse than this, sure it doesn’t provide much protection, but at least it’s light, which this most definitely wouldn’t be. (And at least the chainmail bikini is actually sexy)

  22. Rachel J Says:

    @Dead Stuff and Bibliomancer: if you delve further you will find that this is just one entry in a series that began with “Dinosaur Planet”, that being (I think) the young lady’s place of origin.

    You see? Even books that don’t *look* like they have anything to do with space dinosaurs can be deceptive…

  23. Stevie T Says:

    I actually bought this book some years back. I remember thinking at the time that it was a rather sedate cover–for a Baen. But the longer I looked at it, the more it creeped me out. I was never sure what it was that gave me the creeps; was it the braids? The strange, inexplicable key? The oddly insane look in her eyes? Or is it the unfortunately large and noticeable codpiece on what is obviously HER armor? I don’t know, but this general creepiness has kept me from actually reading the book since I got it….

    However, I really liked how the author’s names were arranged on the cover (and I wasn’t being sarcastic there).

  24. anon Says:

    That’s the key for the chastity device she’s wearing. One might say it’s a tad over-engineered, but that’s like saying books shouldn’t have three authors.

  25. A.R.Yngve Says:


  26. Tom Noir Says:

    “Oh dear, another author quit in disgust. Go hire a new one.”

  27. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Has anyone noticed how terribly urgent the font is?

  28. GSS noob Says:

    The title is trying to draw your attention away from the rest of the cover. Or perhaps it’s trying to escape to a different book.

  29. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    ‘…and S. M. Stirling helped hold down the Shift key.’

  30. GSS noob Says:

    “… while one of the many Baen Davids did the coloring.”

  31. JuanPaul Says:

    The artist didn’t really know how to do chrome, so made it heavily detailed to cover up for it.

  32. Tor Mented Says:

    Just a reminder that Wednesday is Talk Like a Pirate Day, in case ye salty dogs have any pirate-themed covers.

  33. Tag Wizard Says:

    Yes, send in your “space pirate” covers, or pirated editions or whatever you got. We can use a fresh supply of deplorables, of any theme, in the slush pile.

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