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Jul 01

Lets not kill him, lets see if he digs my Deep Purple riffs first.Click for full image

Don Comments: OK, we’ve seen tons of perms and oodles of mullets on these covers – but I do believe this is the first permed mullet. (Pullet?) Assuming that’s the eponymous Bard whose Tale this is, he’s apparently not the brightest light in the harbor, since he a) agreed to accompany his hairdresser on a thieving expedition from an albino lizard-man (do such things EVER end well?) and b) misunderstood her when she said she wanted him along to carry the loot.
Published 1993

Many thanks to the Don!

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 7.20 out of 10)
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32 Responses to “Fortress of Frost and Fire”

  1. Ian Sales Says:

    Isn’t that Michael Bolton before he cut his hair?

  2. Richard Palmer Says:

    Would a bard take his guitar with him when thieving?

    It would seem to be an unnecessary emcumberance.

  3. cutmanmike Says:

    Cowabunga! What’s Master Splinter doing with all that treasure??

  4. Tommi Says:

    >>Psst, it’s not his birthday yet …. three, two … <<

    But the cuttlery seems a little oversized for any kind of cake.

  5. Yagiz [Between Two Books] Says:

    The bard has two weapons: Sword and his instrument :)) The instrument is crucial, especially when one needs to be quiet.

  6. SI Says:

    Creature: Hold on while I get a few coins. Wait a minute, you aren’t charity collectors at all… you’re musicians!

  7. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Maybe they’re operating by the mariachi principle. They go door-to-door and play until someone pays them to leave.

    And, like any starving artists, they are shocked and awed by the presence of actual money.

  8. SophaLoaf Says:

    The fortress was a cross between frost and fire… you know like luke-warm water.

  9. DeadRobot Says:

    “I’ll stab him, you go Michael Bolton on his ass.”

  10. jesi Says:

    my brother TOTALLY had a permed mullet in the 80s. he also wore zubas and took breakdancing lessons. oh and wore braces. i believe thats whats known as a “hot mess.”

  11. Michael L Says:

    He must have a pretty low IQ if he needs to be told to shut up in the middle of a break-in.

  12. Phil Says:

    I thought he was Robin Hood again, this time without hat or quiver. And she is Judith Hann. Or Brian May.

  13. Kristin Says:

    Send the girl with the dagger in first. You stand out here with the sword and keep an eye out. And no singing!

  14. A.R.Yngve Says:

    [The Bard sings]
    Come hear my desperate saga
    of sneaky nightly deeds
    I shouldn’t have been thieving
    but bards do have their needs

    I met this armed maiden
    With mighty raven hair
    She said that I did carry
    my mullet with such flair

    Said she, “The albino lizard
    “has plenty gold and pearls
    “So let us go a-thieving
    “To pay our costly curls…”

  15. Tom Noir Says:

    Bravo sir!

  16. Kathleen Says:

    those look like world-class 1990s US soccer mullets to me. I guess the MNT needed coin for new jerseys?

  17. Jen Says:

    I have this one! Almost sent it in, too, but I was afraid this would count as a franchise book. I don’t remember it too well, but I have a sinking feeling Mr. Albino Lizard is supposed to be the dragon antagonist. It’s kind of hard to see because of the shininess, but note how they felt compelled to print ‘frost’ in blue and ‘fire’ in red. (They also did this on the spine. And the back cover.) Not too bad a book, though.

  18. Herm Says:

    @Yagiz #5: THREE weapons. His sword, his lute and his instrument.

    And his rapier wit.

    FOUR weapons. His sword, his lute, his instument and his rapier wit.

    And his flowing locks. FIVE weapons…

  19. NickG Says:

    You know, I like to keep my gold hoard right near my front door too.

  20. Tom Noir Says:

    I don’t mean to judge, but I think if you’re an albino you should shy away from wearing white.

    Unless you want people to think you’re a statue.

  21. Stevie T Says:

    I like the “A New Novel Of” plastered across the top. As opposed to the same old novels. Until the next one comes out, at which point it does become one of the same old novels, but still says it’s new, which just makes it silly. Especially when you end up with a shelf full of books that all say “A New Novel Of…!”, when the series ended 20 years ago, and all of them are, instead, the same old novels.

  22. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    The dragon has a painting of an entirely different dragon…do you suppose he tries to fool visitors? ‘That’s me, back when I was eating maidens and fighting knights at Milton Keynes…put on a few pounds since then, ha ha! And my neck’s shrunk.’

  23. A.R.Yngve Says:

    Sequels were:
    FORTRESS OF FIREWORKS AND MATCHSTICKS
    FORTRESS OF MUD AND FIRE HOSES
    FORTRESS OF KANYE WEST AND HUMILITY

  24. B. Chiclitz Says:

    So Pullet Boy seems to be left handed, given the way he’s carrying the sword, but plays the lute right-handed. No wonder he’s pretty bad at both. And the scabbard is also on the wrong side. No wonder he has to be told to be quiet in the middle of a heist. This guy is a hot, or lukewarm, mess.

    “Hold there, varlet, let me put down this lute, whip out my sword, transfer it to the left hand, and, oh . . . um . . . I seem to be dead.”

  25. Tom Noir Says:

    I like to think that these two geniuses are actually sneaking up on a nice piece of sculpture.

  26. GSS noob Says:

    I’ve been trying to decide who on this cover is the stupidest. Yes, it’s Mr. Permullet, but the dragon and the chick are no brainiacs either.

  27. classicOz Says:

    The mandolin/guitar thing looks more dangerous than the sword

  28. RachelJ Says:

    @B. Chiclitz. Pullet Boy’s scabbard is on his left, implying that he is in fact right-handed but either a.) forgot or b.) came to the same conclusion as classicOz and decided to give priority to his hybrid lute-guitar*.

    *Which is actually a thing.

  29. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @RachelJ—maybe the lute-guitar goes in the scabbard?

    By the way, @Tom Noir (25), Good Show Sir (better late than never)!

  30. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    No, see, there’s a Fortress of Frost, right, and there’s a fire inside of it, and Perm and her lutanist are going to take a quick peek inside while the rest of the fire brigade figure out how to keep the buckets of water from freezing when they go inside to put the fire out. This is why you have a fire plan in advance, everyone!

  31. Iluvm Says:

    Fire or Frost, you have the escape route. Now, no more questions. Just follow me.

  32. GSS ex-noob Says:

    I would like to share with the group one of my favorite buttons I’ve ever espied in decades of con-going.

    “Lackey, Lackey, Lackey, get your adverbs here.”

    To fully appreciate it, you have to be Of A Certain Age to have watched “Schoolhouse Rock!”*, but anyone who’s ever read her work will get the adverb reference. You take out all words ending with -ly and her novels become short stories.

    *
    http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3458764513820550786/

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