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Nov 15

No! I am the Lizard King!Click for full image

Good Show Sir Comments:

There once was a hero named Blade
Who travelled through space to get laid
Wrapped his arse in a muff
Cause he thought it looked buff
Now the ladies are running away ‘fraid

Published 1972

Read all about this exciting adventure on the back cover.

You might remember this from here.

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 9.46 out of 10)
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30 Responses to “Monster of the Maze”

  1. THX 1138 Says:

    Oh, you’d better believe those underpants are coming off. Of their own accord!

  2. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @TW: we respectfully asked for girls, iguanas and guns not girls, iguanas and buns.

    That thing looks more like a frog with snake teeth than a lizard.

  3. A.R.Yngve Says:

    MOONING OF THE MAZE

  4. A.R.Yngve Says:

    “Richard J. Blade, pull up your pants immediately!”

  5. fred Says:

    I can’t wrap my head around the concept that Richard Blade’s BRAIN is the ultimate force.

  6. B. Chiclitz Says:

    BLADE’S BUM: C’mon, Brain, I’m freezing out here. Let’s go home.

    BLADE’S BRAIN: No, I told you we are not going home yet.

    BUM: Why, fer chrissakes?

    BRAIN: Because we’ve sold fewer than 10 copies of this book so we need that sex appeal of yours to hang out a little longer.

    BUM: But it’s embarrassing!

    BRAIN: You mean it’s “em-bare-assing” don’t you?

    BUM: Stop torturing me!

    BRAIN: Oh, quit yer whining. Why don’t you just go after the babe like you’re supposed to?

    BUM: I did! How do you think I got this muff?

    BABE: Really, just take him home already. He can keep the muff. He’s such a Dick.

    DICK’S BLADE: Don’t get me into this. I don’t care where we are.

    LIZARD: This is so boorrrrinng (snork) . . . .

  7. Bibliomancer Says:

    Pulpfiles apparently has writer’s block or couldn’t get through this Blade book.
    We have a new Blade reviewer willing to slog through this tale. From the text:

    “Put your man weapon in me and have done with it,” she informs Blade …

  8. JuanPaul Says:

    Poor, dumb, Dick Blade. He thinks he is rescuing the woman from the monster. It’s actually the the monster rescuing the woman from Dick.

  9. Michael Toland Says:

    The lizard looks a lot more interested in Blade’s blade than the lady.

  10. THX 1138 Says:

    Monster of the ‘Mazen. The lizard’s eye looks like a Simon Templar-style halo over Dickie’s head.

  11. fred Says:

    @ Biblio #7 – WTF did I just read?

    ‘when Blade arrives in this latest dimension, he’s got the body of a baby, with the brain (and head size) of a grown man’

  12. Bibliomancer Says:

    @fred – Oh it gets worse:

    “Valli ends up hiding Blade and feeding him from her breast, with Blade suckling and hiding from her that he can both speak and talk like a grown man; otherwise, he is a horrific sight, a baby with an oversized head. ” …

    “and when Valli comes to him, it takes Blade a while to realize he lusts for her, despite her being his temporary “mother.” After all, “Had he not from the first, even with his infantile penis, wanted the girl?””

  13. JuanPaul Says:

    @Biblio12 Oh Lordy, Jeffery must have some unresolved mommy issues.

  14. A.R.Yngve Says:

    Le Nouveaux Richard Blade:
    LE PERVÈRT PRANCANT EST UN TOTALMENT ENFANTÌLE

  15. Tor Mented Says:

    2.) @DSWBT: That made my day.
    6.) @ B. Chiclitz: Bravo.

  16. B. Chiclitz Says:

    “Sorry about the crack. Just got finished with a tough plumbing job.”

  17. Anna T. Says:

    I have to admit, I love the Blade covers because of their sheer ridiculousness.

    So basically, we have: Blade in a pair of too-small women’s underpants, facing off against a giant iguana with a stake more suited to vampire hunting, while the young woman the iguana was guarding watches, horrified, shielding her naked body with her hands.

    Oh, and according to the cover blurb, Blade’s brain is the ultimate power and has turned against him.

    There, all of the absurdity neatly catalogued for your attention.

  18. Tor Mented Says:

    Just a typical day in the prop department of The Weinstein Company.

  19. JuanPaul Says:

    The cover actually shows Blade’s bare ass. It just so happened that someone squashed a caterpillar with this copy.

  20. Tor Mented Says:

    Does Blade strangle a lot of people? Because all these covers certainly display an asphyxiation.

  21. Raoul Says:

    More like Manning Lee Strokes, amirite?

  22. GSS ex-noob Says:

    YAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSS! The original set of covers.

    It was about time we had more Dick. Good Show, GSS, for the limerick.

    Although the review seems to indicate that Little Dick gets less action in this book than usual. And ew ew on him being a baby part of the time and then knocking boots with his “mother”.

    But the goofy look on the lizard’s face is great. It’s like he’s as WTF at Blade as we are.

    I liked pulpfiles’ reviews better — hope s/he is well.

  23. Tracy Says:

    Anyone else reminded of the Geico gecko mascot?

  24. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @Tracy: Grown to monstrous size and interrupting a bizarre situation? Yep, could be one of their ads. Would explain the non-threatening air of the lizard.

  25. Yoss Says:

    “Not fully covered? Geico can help!”

  26. GSS ex-noob Says:

    Y’know, as much as I like Dick (that’swhatshesaid), I don’t think this should be at #1 ahead of our old favorites. Sure, this is goofy, but the anatomy’s all right, fonts only mildly annoying, no eye-searing colors, etc.

    We’re not having nightmares, just wondering if 15 minutes talking with the critter would get us a few bad jokes and a slightly-reduced insurance quote.

    Dick’s bum looks more ridiculous in that… garment than it does when starkers. Was the thing added later at publisher request?

  27. Tor Mented Says:

    I have anatomical issues with the woman. It looks like she had work done to either lengthen her torso and remove a few ribs, or had her butt surgically lowered.

  28. Yoss Says:

    @Tor
    It looks like Dick may have donated some of his neck vertebrae toward her torso lengthening procedure.

  29. Tor Mented Says:

    @Yoss: Now that you mention it, I can see you’re right and his head is growing directly from his shoulders.
    As for a vertebrae donation, I now have to resist a terrible pun about Dick boning her.

  30. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @Tor: Must confess I wasn’t looking at the damsel, but yes, there’s something very wrong with her torso. Besides being over-long, everything from boobs to bum is too skinny. No room for her rib cage or innards.

    So I should have said “the anatomy’s all right for a GSS example.”

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