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Jun 05

Neo-Jesus here! Which one of you stiffs is Lazarus?Click for larger image

Leah Comments: Another beaut from my personal collection. Fairly good book, but the protagonists (human woman and psychic alien cat) don’t look like that. First, I’ve never seen a living, healthy adult human being with such a tiny head. Second, they’re both pregnant in this volume of the series. No sign of that here. Also, the text never says anything about the cat having a double chin.

Published 1995

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 7.95 out of 10)
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45 Responses to “Exiles’ Return”

  1. Bibliomancer Says:

    Andrea Martin on a graveyard stand-up comedy tour:
    “So why are there fences around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in!”

  2. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    That must be the dumbest way to carry a sword that doesn’t involve inserting it between your own ribs!

  3. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Gayle Greeno, not wishing to be associated with such puerile cover art, instead had her name rendered completely illegible. Good show, ma’am!

  4. fred Says:

    Earrings on a cat. Is this a GSS first?

  5. RachelJ Says:

    @fred. I believe so.

    Moving on from the moggie- I can hardly claim that’s the worst blurb we’ve had on this site- it does at least make sense- but in sheer awkwardness it rivals those from
    Murder at the Galactic Writer’s Society and
    Fortune’s Wheel. Which is saying something.

  6. JuanPaul Says:

    That “lost sword” gig doesn’t look so bad now, does it, kitty cat?

  7. Tom Noir Says:

    This cover is not ‘bad’. This cover is transcendentally sublime. Having seen this cover and had my eyes opened to the light, I am now selling all my earthly possessions. From this day forward I will spend all my time either looking at this cover or displaying it to others, so they too may experience enlightenment.

  8. Tom Noir Says:

    Sorry about that last comment. Guess those were the wrong kind of mushrooms!

    HAHAHAH look at that cat!!!!

  9. fred Says:

    The artist sure likes lichen. Either that or wee gnomes use the graveyard for their paintball course.

  10. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @fred: You could even say…the artist is lichen it.😎

    EEEYAHHHH!

  11. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    That’s the Stealing the Elf King’s Roses font, isn’t it? I’d recognise those curlicues anywhere.

  12. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @RachelJ—good blurb analysis. I’m not quite sure of the logic of a forgotten past hiding a secret. Too many layers to wade through there. We should hold a “Blurb Study” (or “BS”) Symposium someday.

  13. THX 1138 Says:

    Puss needs at least one ear syringed.

  14. SI Says:

    Soon no one cared about Joan’s recycling tips… even the cat wanted to run.

  15. JuanPaul Says:

    Is that Old Man Willow?

  16. JuanPaul Says:

    @SI

    Puss: “now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go recycle last night’s dinner.”

  17. B. Chiclitz Says:

    “Yes, I go to Wellesley, and I don’t think any of this is funny!”

  18. Tat Wood Says:

    The moment Mark Zuckerberg realised he’d spent too much time in California…

  19. fred Says:

    It does look like she has a preggers tummy bulge, but only on the right side of her body.

  20. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @fred: and partway down her leg…so…world’s worst colostomy?

  21. Anna T. Says:

    A fat cat with earrings, and a small-headed woman who may or may not be pregnant, but who is nevertheless wearing an extremely baggy, unflattering outfit and carrying her sword in a truly ridiculous fashion. On top of that, the cat’s expression is likely because the woman is prattling on, at length, about something that the cat finds incredibly boring.

  22. Tracy Says:

    If you look closely at the cat’s butt it’s about to slide off of that fallen tombstone. The woman’s face is frozen in horror at the thought of it.

  23. MisterBob Says:

    It reminds me of the time i paid a ten dollar admission to a graveyard and the chap says ” get your change from the magic tree in the corner ” .

  24. Anti-Sceptic Says:

    “So a priest, a midget, and a camel walk into a bar…”

  25. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Well, ‘ghatti’ refers to tree sap gum. Is the story actually about the arbor?

  26. Leah Says:

    The earrings on the cat are actually in the book. They were a gift. The woman has a matching set. Yeah, I know that’s ridiculous. Deal with it.

  27. B. Chiclitz Says:

    Book Three of The Gotti’s Tale . . . .

    “So then I stuck Louie the Loser’s head in a vise and tightened it until his effin’ eye balls popped out, then I turned to the hooker and said, ‘You want some of this, b–ch?’ So then me and Frankie Yum-Yum go over to the club and check the receipts from today’s numbers game and along the way I pay off that cop who watches the corner for me. Then I put some effin’ arsenic in Little Paulie’s espresso and say to him, ‘Hey, down the fuckin’ hatch, Paulie!’, and I laugh as the sonuvabitch drowns in his own lungs. Then I have a meeting with Joey No-Nose and I say ‘Joey, a little bird tells me you is skimming’ off the protection take, what do you say to that?’ And Joey, he’s such a fuckin’ pussy, he starts crying like a baby and says he wouldn’t ever touch my money and he’s, like, totally loyal. I felt sorry for him, so I just told Frankie Yum-Yum to break his thumbs but don’t kill him. Then I went to confession.”

    Sorry, I should have said “Spoiler alert.”

  28. JuanPaul Says:

    Anyone who owns a cat knows they would rather chew their own ears off (impossible, yes) than wear the same earrings their human does.

  29. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Mammas, don’t let your babies grow up to marry each other…

  30. Leah Says:

    The only problem I ever had with this book, aside from the god-awful cover, is that it starts with the murder of a woman who shares my name. It’s actually not a bad read, for a book full of psychic aliens who look like overgrown moggies.

  31. GSS ex-noob Says:

    The pointy shoes amuse me as well. Needs “booties” tag.

    Microcephalic woman with stupid look on her face, cat who presumably got the double chin by gaining too much weight while preggers (maybe she gained the weight the human should have?), stupid sword placement, strangely lumpy trousers, and the hideous embossed font last seen embarrassing Diane Duane (though this book’s older).

    Cat envies the Lost Sword kitteh, and Orson. At least they don’t have to wear giant unmatched earrings.

  32. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    My epitaph will be ‘Knock Before Entering’.

  33. A.R.Yngve Says:

    “Does the (1) forgotten (2) hide a (3) which could avert a (4) against (5)?”

    (1)
    a) Seekers’
    b) village idiot’s
    c) Blue Oyster Leather Bar & Dance Club’s
    d) cat’s

    (2)
    a) past
    b) keys
    c) Facebook password
    d) litterbox

    (3)
    a) secret
    b) golden rod of mysterious purpose
    c) Russian collusion
    d) ghastly surprise

    (4)
    a) modern-day vendetta
    b) vengeance by spaying
    c) romantic encounter
    d) revolt

    (5)
    a) Seekers and Resonants alike
    b) good taste
    c) DVD zone restrictions
    d) dandruff

  34. Tom Noir Says:

    Yay, I’ll play!

    Does the Blue Oyster Leather Bar & Dance Club’s Facebook password hide a golden rod of mysterious purpose which could avert a romantic encounter against dandruff?

    I sure hope so!!!

  35. GSS ex-noob Says:

    I like all of those permutations better than the original.

  36. HappyBookworm Says:

    @ Anna T. – The rambling thing is what stood out to me, too. What else could she possibly be saying other than, “so then I told him it’s fine if you only have the triple extra large trousers, which reminds me, did I ever tell you about the time…”

  37. RachelJ Says:

    @HappyBookworm. Well, maybe the protagonist is in fact a crashing bore, and the cover artist is merely trying to warn us?

  38. B. Chiclitz Says:

    Ten piasters (paid through the Yellow River Bank @ Chinese GSS) to anyone who can locate her knees.

  39. RachelJ Says:

    @B.Chiclitz. I believe that’s her right knee next to the cat’s left ear. The left seems more and more absent the more I look for it.

    I would make a joke about her having a wooden leg, but for all we know the character *does*. Such jests have backfired before.

  40. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @RachelJ—”Such jests have backfired before.”

    Especially on the campus of Wellesley.

  41. A.R.Yngve Says:

    How many votes for a new “Goofy Stare” tag?

  42. GSS ex-noob Says:

    One vote from me. Or “goofy facial expression” or summat like that. I vote it be applied to “Our Dream, Your Fantasy” too.

    Not sure if the cat’s looking bored with the rambling (it’s a cat, after all), or if the woman’s just blathering and the cat’s looking around trying to figure out who she’s talking to. “The hell? There’s nobody else here. She’s not looking at me, so who does she think she’s babbling to? A ghost? A hallucination?”

  43. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @GSSxn—Wellesley undergrads do not need an audience, they specialize in the meta-response.

  44. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    Fun fact: this cover looks much better if your monitor is dimmed down just as far as it can go. Try it, you’ll agree!

  45. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @DS: I keep my monitor dimmed down somewhere below 50% as a rule. So I see GSSers complaining about some cover and think, “But it’s not too bad…” and then I turn up the brightness and yes, it is.

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