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Dec 17

'...sucking ... told in ... prose ...' -- Publishes WeaklyClick for larger image

The Bookkeeper Comments: Orlando Bloom stars as Legolas Lestat in a new vampire/elf mash-up.

Published 1998

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 8.80 out of 10)
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18 Responses to “Keeper of the King”

  1. GSS ex-noob Says:

    I ticked 8 stars, because it DOES belong in a gold-lame picture frame.

    The title manages to be bad in at least 3 different ways.

    That blurb reaches both new length, new heights of purple prose, but sadly, no depth at all.

    Also, all the humanoids pictured on the cover appear to have plastic skin. Not a dent or wrinkle/fold among them.

  2. THX 1139 Says:

    I’m putting this straight into my Elrod cupboard.

  3. THX 1139 Says:

    Just did a search, yup, this is the actor Nigel Bennett, you know, from Lexx. Except on the cover he’s given himself more hair. Artistic license?

  4. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @THX 1139—”Elrod Cupboard” deserves at least three smileys! GSS!!
    😉 😉 😉

  5. B. Chiclitz Says:

    Looks like they’ve straightened out the Leaning Tower of Pisa down there on the right. Now that is mind bending, if not flesh rending.

  6. fred Says:

    ‘The dead do not care for fulsome, fluorescent prose.’ – Kai
    Nigel Bennett/Prince LEXX music vid. It’s like he stepped right off a GSS cover.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fkTRRNSnNZA

  7. Cygnia Says:

    If I remember correctly, Bennett was also in “Forever Knight” back in the 90’s as a vampire adversary for the hero.

  8. JuanPaul Says:

    The subtext if that blurb is a warning to not buy this book.

  9. Bibliomancer Says:

    Wow. I learned so much today.

    Oh and “Elrod Cupboard”? STFU. We can shut the comments down now. Good Show Sir!

  10. Anna T. Says:

    Both of the men on this cover look creepy. It may be intentional in the case of Leather Jacket down there, given the position of the woman he’s standing with, but the guy who’s presumably supposed to be the hero is probably not supposed to look that disturbing.

  11. Tor Mented Says:

    ♪ Flesh rend-ah
    Savior of the universe
    Flesh
    He’ll suck every one of us
    Flesh
    He’s a mind bending
    Flesh
    King of the fluorescent prose
    (This morning’s unprecedented cheesy cover is no cause for alarm.) ♪

  12. B. Chiclitz Says:

    One of the great social benefits of the Sci-Fi genre is the way it can help raise awareness of important science-related social issues. For example, it is good to see fluorescent prose, because it draws less power and is therefore more environmentally friendly than incandescent prose. Of course LED prose wold be even better.

  13. JuanPaul Says:

    @BC the problem with fluorescent prose is that is doesn’t emit the entire spectrum, leading to depression and vampirism.

  14. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @JP—I’ve heard that one of the few ways to kill a vampire is to plunge a fluorescent light tube into its chest.

  15. Francis Boyle Says:

    Instructions to artist: “This book contains some bloodsucking, mind-bending and flesh-rending but it’s mostly about eye-staring. Please emphasise that.”

  16. GSS ex-noob Says:

    Nigel Bennett!
    (works just as well as “Gordon”.)

    So ol’ Nige had a Mary Sue idea and got Elrod to write it for him. Although, being of a theatrical persuasion, p’raps he contributed some of the “fulsome fluorescent prose”.

    The “writer of Mary Sue books” idea seems to fit since PN also brought us “Myhr” (and yes, they still should all yiff in hell).

    And we’ve had one other book with Nigel, though not with such a fulsome blurb.

    One guess as to which publishing house released this series in the US!

    GSS to THX! and JP.

    @Tag: don’t we have a “visible waves” tag? Giant Staring Nige there is visibly radiating, emitting sound waves, or something. Either that or he was badly scanned in and digitized — though nothing explains the elliptical shape.

  17. Bruce A Munro Says:

    “Angel: the bad self-insert fanfic.”

  18. A.R.Yngve Says:

    I think it was facial-recognition software that killed this practice of using suspiciously well-known faces to sell books. You can no longer swipe a known face and get away with it…

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