Jul 17

Hey, my guns are up hereClick for larger cleavage

Kat’s Art Direction: “Okay, you’ve used the front of her shirt to make shoulder pads and recycled the scraps to make some useless pouches. Good work. But you know what this cover needs? What it really, really needs? … SHINIER LETTERING.”

Published 2004

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 7.80 out of 10)

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30 Responses to “Cally’s War”

  1. Bibliomancer Says:

    Apparently Clyde Caldwell has one favorite live model.

  2. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    @B’mancer: tell us something we hadn’t guessed already. 😉

  3. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    A Liefeldian caricature, tapping the mid-90s zeitgeist like a Magic Colon The Gathering card.

  4. THX 1138 Says:

    It’s Jenna’s War we’re more interested in, right lads? Phwoar, eh? Lads? Er, lads? Anyone?

  5. Tat Wood Says:

    @THX: you got there ahead of me. But it’s saying something that late 70s BBC space-opera garb is less embarrassingly dated than this 90s retro ensemble.

  6. Tom Noir Says:

    Looks like the would-be photo-documentarian of this cover has fallen victim to the Baen Effect. That’s when even powerful, ultra-modern digital cameras are somehow unable to capture a decent picture of the subject.

    Baen covers are like solar eclipses. You can’t look directly at them or you (or your camera) will go blind.

  7. B. Chiclitz Says:

    Looking closely at the shoulder stock, it appears this gun fires crayons. Fifty bucks a box?

  8. fred Says:

    Shoulders are a logical place to carry boob armor when not in use, but there seems to have been a mistake in sizing.

  9. Raoul Says:

    Was the artist’s model also wearing a microphone headset? Was she multitasking and running her live phone sex job on the side while Clyde was painting her?

  10. David Van Domelen Says:

    It’s a not-very-funny running gag in the Cally series that she’s stuck with a huge-boobed biosculpt because her covert ops cell lost its access to the biosculpt tech while she was off on a mission impersonating someone who had (“naturally” of course) a pornstar body. This goes on for like three books.

  11. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @Raoul—her live phone sex job on the side

    Just think of the possibilities . . . .

    “Hey big boy, welcome to Cally’s War, the ultimate erogenous experience. You’re talking to Cally, the Cleavage Queen. Want to penetrate my armor? explore my missile defense shields? remove my smoky glasses to see the vapid pools beneath? I’m wearing a dog collar and I can be leashed to you, whenever you want. Just send me a box of .50 caliber crayons and I’m yours, for 30 minutes.”

  12. JuanPaul Says:

    She’s looking at the world through Baen-colored glasses. Everything is exploding and wrapped in foil.

  13. Yoss Says:

    @JuanPaul: I’ve always thought Baen had a lot in common with an inexpertly microwaved burrito.

  14. Anna T. Says:

    @Tom Noir: You can look at a solar eclipse in totality just fine. It’s while it’s not in totality that you can’t. I think you meant to compare Baen covers to the Sun, in terms of going blind.

    Since this woman is allegedly a soldier or something, why oh why doesn’t she wear something that her breasts won’t fall out of?

    Answer: because sex “sells”, baby! *eye roll*

  15. Raoul Says:

    @ B Chiclitz – Just call 1-800-CALLY-FONE-YA and speak to a live big-titted Sci-Fi cover girl!*

    *Cover girl art for demonstration purposes only. May not represent you actual phone partner.

  16. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @Raoul—”May not represent your actual phone partner.

  17. JuanPaul Says:

    @ B Chiclitz I am so not clicking on that while at work.

  18. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @JuanPaul—or on the bus, I wager.

  19. Tom Noir Says:

    I clicked it and I got a promotion!

    Now I’m a homeless drifter!

  20. JuanPaul Says:

    @yoss warm on the outside and slightly frozen on the inside or boiling lava hot?

    (With credit to Jim Gaffigan)

  21. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    “Ms. Cochrane? Julie, baby! This is your editor. Good news, bad news. The good news is that I’ve just seen the cover art for Cally’s Raw and it’s perfect! The bad news is that there was a mis-print in the title. It’s now Cally’s War. We’ve got to add some war somehow, Julie. Whaddaya say to another co-authorship with John? Cool with that? Julie, you’re the best!”

  22. Tat Wood Says:

    @David Van Domelen: you’ve read this – is there actually a Stargate connection or is the artist just slamming together any skiffy images he can think of?

  23. RachelJ Says:

    Let’s see

    -enormous gun
    -large-breasted babe in improbable sexy outfit
    -eye-melting shininess
    -font with generous application of Photoshop Layer FX
    -title includes “war”
    -“New York Times Bestseller”
    -“John Ringo”

    Hmmn. I’m afraid I can’t give this a perfect score due to lack of
    -cat people
    -inane blurb
    -suspiciously fragmentary review quote

    A worthy effort, though! Good show, Baen!

  24. Francis Boyle Says:

    I’ll have you know THX 1138 some of us we’re actually on team Cally.

  25. Iluvm Says:

    Cally’s war against????

  26. THX 1138 Says:

    @FB: At least you didn’t say Orac.

  27. GSS ex-noob Says:

    Oi! I sent this one in around Xmas!

    And yes, as with many offerings from BAEN!automatic gunfire, it’s impossible to get a clear photo because of THE SHINY.

    @Rachel J: Baen really needs its own scale, which starts at about 8 on this one and then goes up logarithmically or exponentially.

    Perhaps our old pal Jennifter could obtain us a Bachelor of Science to figure it out.

  28. Hammy Says:

    Does that say

    John Ringo 6

    as one of the authors? Kinda like the actor listings in IMDB – Jim Bullock(2), etc.

  29. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @Hammy—maybe it’s like the Borg. Six of nine, four of Seven, and so on. It appears these books are written collectively at any rate.

  30. Calyx Says:

    John Ringo 6, Julie Cochrane er…4 and a half?

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