May 06

Fast and Furious 13: Jason Statham and the StargonautsClick for larger image

Outis Comments: This one truly has it all. Car-like, no-roof spaceship? Check. Chrome trim? Check. Scantily clad dame? Check. Dramatic posing? Check. Drinking on the job? Check. Gratuitous discharging of beam weapons? Check. And lastly: William Gibson recommendation? It’s there.

Published 1994

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 7.10 out of 10)

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67 Responses to “Stargonauts”

  1. Danno Says:

    What in tarnation is “ciderpunk”?

  2. THX 1139 Says:

    So how’d you guys meet? AA meeting?

  3. JuanPaul Says:

    @THX Youths that drink lots of Bulmers and vanadalize things?

  4. fred Says:

    I’m just going to fast forward until I hit the Ray Harryhausen stop motion set pieces.

  5. Lillie Awesome Says:

    I’m cringing at all the Art of the Deal-inspired one-liners from Mr. Wide Lapel and Even Wider Tie in the back seat already.

    And how I missed the fact that there’s a Teat Shields tag until now, I don’t know, but pour yourself a Hornsby’s on me, @Tag Wizard. You’ve earned it.

  6. Bibliomancer Says:

    @Danno – Soon to be a major motion picture. “The Cider Punk Rules”.

  7. B. Chiclitz Says:

    Star-go-nuts: The story of Ed McMahon’s tragic decline into a world of booze and hallucinations.

  8. B. Chiclitz Says:

    PS Actually, I think that really is supposed to be Big Ed boozing it up in the back seat. Took me a few minutes to get it.

  9. Tat Wood Says:

    He wasn’t kidding about his brand new combine harvester.

    (Kids and furriners: – the year was blighted by novelty records – this was in the same year as ‘Convoy’, ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’, ‘No Charge’ and Demis Roussos. No wonder Punk happened.)

  10. JuanPaul Says:

    If that’s big Ed in the back, is that Paul Schaefer driving/shooting?

  11. Ray P Says:

    Boomer Holiday in Space.

  12. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @JuanPaul—Too much hair?

  13. Outis Says:

    CIDERPUNK! I’ve had this book for ages, and never noticed that. Humbled and confused, I am.

  14. Tom Noir Says:

    I’m more of a lagerpunk, myself.

  15. Bruce A Munro Says:

    I gotta say, that looks like a sweet ride.

    So…”ciderpunk” is a literary movement named after the drinking habits/lifestyles of it’s authors rather than the content of their writings? Pity, I would look with interest on the adventures of Space Johnny Appleseed.

    The discharge of beam weapons does seem gratuitous, since there do not seem to be any targets for them to shoot at. Maybe they’re shooting at Space Rocks we, the reader, cannot discern? There might be a couple lurking behind the “a” and “u” in the title.

    *Ed McMahon is either seriously pondering the flavor of his booze or he’s wondering how he ended up in this Space Car with such a pair of weirdos.

    I guess the Space Car must have one of them fancy Inertia Dampers to eliminate the effects of acceleration or Ms. Teat Shields is likely to take a tumble out into space sitting like that.

  16. Ryan Says:

    Please can someone explain the configuration of that back seat compartment to me? Ed McMahon/George W. Bush is leaning back against some sort of bulwark/console that appears to be uncentered – maybe 3/5ths of the back seating area is on the left side, and 2/5ths is to the right side of the divider.

    Furthermore, the only visible door is located at Ed McMahon/George W. Bush’s feet on the rear left hand side. Do all the car’s occupants gain entry through that single portal, or do they just leap in over the sides? The white tufted leather interior would seem a poor choice for the average side-jumping goof unless they polish their shoes carefully before boarding the topless jet-car.

    The reason that Ed McMahon/George W. Bush is already half in the bag and gazing rearward is because he is being forced to ride with two hooligans with nothing better to do than ignore the direction of travel while maintaining poor firearms discipline. You would drink and look away, too, in that case.

  17. JuanPaul Says:

    @Ryan, the entire back seat is also a hot tub. A hot tub with individual compartments to keep any tentacled aliens from getting touchy feely under the water.

  18. B. Chiclitz Says:

    Well, @JuanPaul now you’ve done it—that loose talk of touchy-feeliness has forced the image I’ve been suppressing all day, with mighty effort, to force itself into my consciousness, the awful thought that, there is, indeed, a headrest on the passenger side of the front seat.

  19. Francis Boyle Says:

    @ Bruce
    Maybe in Garnett’s version of reality, space is littered with traffic signs. Because why not. (I hope those beam weapons make nice clean holes and don’t vapourise everything Trek style because that would be no fun and just plain unsporting.)

  20. Tracy Says:

    I can’t believe Billy Gibson read this. It looks terrible, by the cover. The art isn’t even a good kind of terrible. It’s static, dull, cliched. Say what you like about the anatomy in “Brigands of the Moon” but at least there’s fairly realistic action in it and some rollicking good fisticuffs.

  21. Alice Says:

    This reminds me of those “Humpday Hubbard” covers we had a couple of months ago. But they were done by a different artist.

  22. Tat Wood Says:

    @Tracy: out of context it looks like at best a backhanded compliment. It looks like me describing to my wife why Lionel Fanthorpe, ‘Tales of Topographic Oceans’ or ‘Star Maidens’ come under the heading of ‘a guilty pleasure’. I wonder if Gibson’s next line was my usual get-out: ‘it’s research, honest!’.

  23. Verylatetotheparty Says:

    I’ve only just noticed that little skull cap – The future Pope looks a bit more relaxed and informal than his predecessors and so do his bodyguards in the space popemobile with their unconcealed weapons.

  24. Anna T. Says:

    Lovely space motorboat, but how are they breathing?

    …or maybe they’re robots who don’t need to breathe?

  25. Anti-Sceptic Says:

    It’s Donald Trump…in spaaaaaaaace!

  26. Tat Wood Says:

    @Anti-Sceptic: Are you starting a GoFundMe for that? He’s good at getting the public to finance his deals.

  27. Bruce A Munro Says:

    @Anti-Sceptic: hair isn’t nearly overblown enough, as Verylatetotheparty has already pointed out. Indeed, if you look at the expanded picture, the disk of hair on top of his head looks downright concave – have we been mistaken all along and he’s actually a Kappa?

    @Anna T, the air is being held in by a force field, of course. Don’t you know SCIENCE???

  28. GSS ex-noob Says:

    Jason Statham? The guy in the back looks like the opposite twin of Mike Pence (which would make him the good twin), in a flashier suit, a decent wine, and a hawt space-babe.

    Pretty sure the guy driving and shooting is Paul Shaeffer with a fake mohawk. Which, as @BC and @JuanPaul noted, means this is Talk-show Sidekicks Gone Wild, but I don’t recall the woman from anything. At least on network, possibly something on cable? Perhaps Mr. x-n remembers her…

    It’s also 50’s T-birds (the car) In Spaaace! With Escher-esque back seat. Maybe that configuration is what holds the air in and the lady down. But you’d think the backseat TV would be larger, and a flat screen in The Future.

    PS If it’s ciderpunk, why is Ed/GW/Mike drinking wine? Answer me that, William Gibson!!

  29. Tat Wood Says:

    Ciderpunk (n.): near-future fiction written by Kenneth Bulmer.

  30. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @GSSxn—Vanna White?

  31. Verylatetotheparty Says:

    @B.C.: I was disappointed when I clicked on that link – I thought Vanna White might be a paint that’s the opposite of Vantablack. I could really use that for my hallway that doesn’t get much natural light.

  32. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @Vlttp—Have you considered Fern Green? Not only does she star in the sequel but she’s great for brightening up a light-deprived hallway.

  33. Verylatetotheparty Says:

    @ B.C.: Much appreciated, there’s too much infinite worlds of the human imagination round here and not enough decorating tips.

  34. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @Vlttp—Although I do think the Feng Shui overall is quite positive.

  35. Verylatetotheparty Says:

    @B.C.: Well Feng Shui all sounds a bit fancy for my tastes, but overalls are a sensible precaution, and if you don’t have any overalls just wear that jumper your auntie knitted you for Christmas.

  36. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @BC: Looks a little too out-there for Vanna. But who knows what she does In Spaaaace, away from that drip Sajak? If as we’ve surmised, it’s all sidekicks, she’d be the likely candidate given the publishing date.

    @Vlttp: Gloss white is the most brightening, but a pain to keep clean. I’d go semi-gloss, maybe some mirrors, put a higher-watt bulb in the fixture.

    Auntie will be so sad if you get paint on that jumper, though. Not angry, just disappointed.

  37. Hammy Says:

    I am *shocked and dismayed* that everyone’s missed (or is avoiding) the obvious joke (though Tom Noir up at #14 is sniffing at it)…

    He reads some whiskeypunk,
    He reads some vodkapunk,
    He reads some ciderpunk,
    He reads some lagerpunk,

    He reads the novels that remind him of the Baen times,
    He reads the novels that remind him of the DAW times….

    No apologies at all to Chumbawumba – mention on GSS is more than they deserve, IMO….

  38. Verylatetotheparty Says:

    @GSSxn: Thanks very much, sound advice – although I’m told mirrors reflect less light than a similar area of light coloured wall, so I’ll probably just go with a pale semi-gloss. I’m sure no one will mind if I start using the submit page for colour charts.

    The jumper, well she keeps making the things, bless her, so it’s a way to quietly dispose of them and say it was an accident “because I liked it so much I wore it all the time” – the only other option is to quietly dispose of my aunt and say it was an accident.

    @B.C. On consideration, Feng Shui overalls are probably a bad idea. If I stand in the wrong part of the room for too long it could cause disharmony and I don’t know what would happen if I store them in the wrong drawer afterwards.

  39. B. Chiclitz Says:

    @Verylate—Mixing up one’s overalls and drawers is indeed devastating to the Feng Shui balance. It is also certain to give one’s beloved auntie the fantods.

  40. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @Vlttp: Of course not, colour chart away. Depends on what light exposure the room gets whether you want your semi-gloss to be pure white, a little on the blue side, or a smidge to the red side. Me personally, I’m inclined to the warm colors, but you might want to go for absolute white for maximum brightness.

    Try fobbing the jumpers off onto hipsters who will wear them “ironically”. Auntie might be pleased that you were charitable with them. Depending on how hideous they are, you might give them to homeless people in the winter, but they have higher standards than hipsters do.

    @BC: Possibly even the screaming fantods. (Good word, that)

  41. Verylatetotheparty Says:

    @B.C.: Ideally I wouldn’t store overalls with my drawers, but I’m short of usable storage space. Since ‘Feng Shui 4 U’ (same day service, no job too small) came round the other day most of my furniture is facing the walls or upside down to ensure proper flow of energy – and it took quite a long time to find the cat afterwards. A few things also seem to be missing, I’m starting to think the firm isn’t quite as reputable as I was told.

    @GSSxn: I need brightness, so it would have to be mostly pure white, maybe a bit of yellow here and there for contrast. I did give one jumper to a skinny bloke with a beard who seemed very grateful, he was a graphic designer with a blog on obscure low-budget B movies, so I might try donating some jumpers to my local ‘Help the Hipsters’. My aunt shouldn’t mind, some people think ‘if you keep handing out items of repurposed kitsch to these people it only perpetuates the cycle’, but she’s quite kind hearted.

  42. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @Vlltp: Auntie WILL be pleased, that you’re so generous to your local hipsters or homeless people… it’s hard to tell the difference, as I said, but the hipsters will be grateful and not grumble. Do refuse any invitations to see their band/play/art show; explain that you’re generous without recompense, no, no, really, no tickets please.

    True story: my local thrift shop gets bad reviews on Yelp from the hipsters for having nothing either new and flashy, nor old and tacky enough to be ironically worn. It contains only sensible, usable clothes for the average person, horrors.

  43. Verylatetotheparty Says:

    GSSxn: Thanks for the warning – I might have had to look at some dreadful art!

    If they seriously expect ‘new and flashy’ I wonder if they actually understand it’s donated stock – sort of applies to the old and tacky too, the shops get what they’re given.

  44. GSS ex-noob Says:

    Apparently thrift stores in some of the other local towns (and of course The Big City nearby) have all sorts of bright polyester disco leftovers, stuff previously worn by grandfathers, auntie-knitted outerwear, hippie style fringey things, and outre WTFs, plus cast-offs of other hipsters.

    Ours has things like jeans and khakis, t-shirts, button-down shirts, suits, old prom dresses, sensible shoes, average outerwear. Things most anyone could wear. Even the Hawaiian shirt collection is somewhat subdued.

    So the hipsters are dismissive because you could clothe yourself there to look like a productive member of society, instead of someone trying to draw attention to themselves for their “style”.

    Which is why we shop there. Plenty of sturdy trousers and shirts suitable for wearing instantly or using as clothes for yardwork, painting, auto repair, etc. Suit coats and dress shirts at a fraction of the cost of new.

    I also got a really excellent NuWho Dalek t-shirt once, beating my BFF to it and causing quite some envy. I wore it to have a photo taken with David Tennant, as the Dalek is wearing 3-D glasses, which he noticed.

  45. Verylatetotheparty Says:

    Well your local store has got a good review from you at least. Interesting that ‘old prom dresses’ are included in your list of ‘things almost anyone could wear’ – it might partly explain one or two book covers on here.

    If getting photographed with David Tennant in your ‘stolen’ t-shirt didn’t end the friendship, you and BFF might both be slightly interested – there was a police box a short walk away from the house where I grew up, the only thing I remember being different was the light on top which was on a little arm.

  46. GSS ex-noob Says:

    Well, old prom dresses can be worn the next year by some other young lady, or to some sort of other fancy occasion, cheaply.

    The BFF is also in the photo — those things are so pricey we had to double up. And she had a very good shirt on as well. David seemed fine with it all.

    There was an old red phone booth in the lobby of one of Mr. xn’s offices (with a functional pay phone back when such things were to be had) and we were somewhat disappointed it wasn’t bright blue.

  47. anon Says:

    Shockingly ritzy life of a used-car dealer on Mocking Hutter’s Prong. — William Gibson
    Danger DaVitt

  48. GSS ex-noob Says:

    @anon: brilliant!

  49. Verylatetotheparty Says:

    I didn’t think anyone else was still here.

  50. Tat Wood Says:

    @Verylatetotheparty: these things have long tails – behold

  51. Verylatetotheparty Says:

    @Tat Wood: AAAHH! Don’t sneak up on me like that!

    Actually I’ve been there, just once. (comment 151, Feb 22nd) It can only be a matter of time before GSS starts printing ‘I’ve been TO SARNATH’ t-shirts

  52. Tat Wood Says:

    @Verylatetotheparty: they’d run into trouble completing against these or this lot (they have a decent second-hand Sf shelf, where I purchased the last cover I sent in).

  53. Longtime _Lurker Says:

    VLTTP @51: Nope. We’ve already had “The Loom That Came to Sarnath”.

  54. B. Chiclitz Says:

    I hear Chinese GSS has produced a batch of those t-shirts, but they melt your skin as soon as you put them on. They’re selling them at a discount, however, and I’ll leave it to you to imagine how “Fruit of the Loom” gets rendered in their translation.

  55. Tor Mented Says:

    A Doom Came to Sarnath …. and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.

  56. anon Says:

    @VLTTP,@LL: The loon that went to Sarnath?

  57. GSS ex-noob Says:

    At this point, it’s “The Sarnath that went everywhere.”

  58. Bruce A Munro Says:

    @GSS ex-noob: wouldn’t it be more “everyone comes to Sarnath’s?”

  59. GSS ex-noob Says:

    Of all the joints in all the universe, it had to be Sarnath.

    Or would it be “Bokrug’s Cafe Sarnathian”? (featuring cardoons, food of Cameroon, macaroons, etc)

  60. Verylatetotheparty Says:

    @Tat Wood: Well, if you want to liven up a quiet comments section, just mention Sarnath.

    @GSSxn: “Bokrugs Café Sarnathian” might possibly attract a hipster crowd – it’s probably safer to stick with “Sarnaths”.

  61. Hammy Says:

    #58, et. seq.:

    And I said, what about “Breakfast at Sarnath’s”?
    She said I think I remember that cover
    And as I recall, I think we both kinda laughed at it,
    And I said “Well, that’s one thing we’ve got….”

    Sorry. So sorry. I need better music. Or better taste in music.

  62. B. Chiclitz Says:

    Glad to see everybody’s still here. I just got back after watching one of my favorite films for about the 15th time—Sarnath Holiday starring Gregory Peck and Audrey Hepburn, with Eddie Albert as Bokrug.

  63. Hammy Says:


    Hm. Eddie Albert as Bokrug….

    Playing against type, or perfect casting?

  64. THX 1139 Says:

    With our luck we’ll get a racist Mickey Rooney.

  65. A.R.Yngve Says:

    “Punkpunk” – cyberpunk fiction featuring actual punks.

  66. GSS ex-noob Says:

    I think that was a real thing for its obligatory 15 minutes in the 80s.

    Still have, wear, and am complimented on the Dalek shirt.

    Damn well not going out and pawing through used clothes right now, though.

  67. GSS ex-noob Says:

    I’ve spent the evening trundling through random old covers and now I’m wondering what colour Vlttp eventually painted the hallway, if either overalls or Auntie jumpers were involved, and seeing that I forgot to mention that not only is David Tennant just as good-looking in person, he also smells nice. Dreamy.

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