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Jan 23

Well... At least they don't sparkle at Vampire Junction!Click for full image

Art Direction: We all know the one thing vampires suffer from. Bighanditis! What do you mean that isn’t a thing? Of course it’s a thing, a vampire thing! Look it says right here in the book of ‘Your Pay Check’! Now, just draw some kid, in a cloak, looking like he should be in a broadway musical. And make his hands BIG!
Published 1985

Actually, that cover IS a classical work of art!I would touch it without protective gloves.I've seen worse. Far, far, worse.Interesting, but I would still read it in public.Middlng: Neither awful nor awfully goodWould not like to be seen reading that!Awful... just awful...That belongs in a gold-lame picture frame!Gah... my eyes are burning! Feels so good!Good Show Sir! (Average: 8.29 out of 10)
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25 Responses to “Vampire Junction”

  1. Phil Says:

    Of course I am a vampire. Look at my lovely cloak. Never mind that I don’t have the pointy teeth.

  2. A.R.Yngve Says:

    Is… is that a picture of a vampire Justin Bieber…??

    If so, it IS a nightmare put on paper.

  3. A.R.Yngve Says:

    We tracked down the editor for an explanation. When cornered, he broke down and cofessed:
    “I told the artist: Make it creepy. And he totally misunderstood what I meant… and the deadline was already shot! I had no choice! Please God, forgive meeee…”

  4. A.R.Yngve Says:

    Ooo, it’s so cold tonight…!

  5. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    “I vahnt to…ZING!”

  6. Dead Stuff With Big Teeth Says:

    The moon on the cover was sponsored by Zildjian.

  7. A.R.Yngve Says:

    Did you say “sing”?
    [Music swells]

    Oh what a fabulous night!
    Moon glowing bloody and bright!
    And I’m feeling fabulous too
    Sinking my teeth into you…

  8. A.R.Yngve Says:

    And that song, like the vampire and the cover, sucked.

  9. SI Says:

    I just love the quote. Are nightmares a good thing, or bad?

  10. THX 1138 Says:

    I’ve read this! He’s a rock star in the book, though you’d never know it from here, judging by this if he was made of chocolate he’d eat himself. Er, some kind of blood chocolate, that is.

  11. Jami Says:

    Just what the world needs. A vampire boy band.

    Maybe the big hands are a side effect of a vampire’s natural OCD? You know how they always have to stop and count spilled grain and all that? Maybe it made his hands huge.

  12. Alessandra Kelley Says:

    It’s Fabulous Chad, the perky cute vampire.

    This reminds me of the senior portraits in my high school yearbook.

    So yeah, definitely nightmare material.

  13. Alessandra Kelley Says:

    Also, that hand in front really bugs me. It’s not doing anything. It’s not clutching, it’s not touching, it’s just there. And it’s out-of-scale. It’s competently painted, which is not to be knocked, but that’s all you can say for it.

  14. fred Says:

    That cover turned all other Robert Bloch writings into embittered alcoholics drowning their collective sorrow in cheap vodka at not being mentioned with Psycho in praise of such a classic piece of genre prose which will surely endure until the end of time. Or not. Creepier if those hands aren’t his.

  15. Jaouad Says:

    “Least now I know why vampires drink from such big glasses. To make their hands look smaller!”

  16. A.R.Yngve Says:

    I don’t know which is scarier, a vampire Bieber or a whole boy band of vampires… and what would the band be called?

    -Bloodstreet Boys
    -Bite That
    -N*SUCK
    -O-Type Town
    -The Jonas Blood Brothers
    -Preyzone
    -Vamplife

  17. Jerk of all Trades Says:

    In retrospect, turning the most socially-awkward kid in school into a vampire was a terrible idea.

  18. mobi Says:

    The tagline proves that this was written pre-Twilight, but I think that it may have provided some of the inspiration for it…

  19. Phil Says:

    Several times I tried to post this comment, but I always get some sort of server error on this page (but not on any other page on the site).

    It’s Rhona Cameron!

    There. My comment finally posted.

  20. Anti-Sceptic Says:

    Check out my jazz-hands!

  21. Tom Noir Says:

    This self-actualizing vamp is giving himself a hug.

    Be kind, vampire! And especially to yourself!

  22. FeařofMüsïc Says:

    Okay, is that blurb supposed to be ironic, or sarcastic, or was the layout artist having a bit of fun? ‘Cause nothing says nightmare like a scrawny simpering pencil-necked geek of a teenage vampire with ginormous hands. I mean, oooooh, spooky! Unless..

    He comes to you, in the dead of night, invading your dreams! He is there, at your bedside..
    “Hey, how ya doin’? You look sleepy. Did I disturb you? Hey, can I tell you somethin’? Hey, don’ t worry, I won’t bite you or nothin'”

    “Uh, look, uh, I have to get up early for work… ”

    ” Oh hey, don’t mind me. It’s just I thought you could… but it’s okay(sigh). ”

    ” What is it? ”

    ” Well, you see, there’s this girl, and she’s like totally cute and I really wanna talk to her, but I don’t want her to think I’m some jerk, you see… ”

    ” You’re a vampire. Bite her neck. ”

    ” I mean, like every time I see her I get this weird feeling and I can’t hardly think and I never know what I should say… ”

    ” You’re a vampire. Bite her neck. ”

    ” And you know she’s not like a Goth chick or nothin’, which is cool with me ’cause those goth kids can be sorta intense and pretty depressing, and you know, I think they just need to cheer up. But I got this cape, see,’ cause it’s sorta a vampire thing and what if she sees it and thinks I’m a goth? ”

    ” You’re a vampire. Bite her neck. ”

    ” And her friends! She’s like really close to them, which I totally respect ’cause thar’ s like loyalty and stuff, right? But I think her friends don’t like me. Like, you know, they think I’m some kinda weirdo loser… ”

    ” You’re a vampire. Kill her friends, and bite her neck. ”

    ” I mean, like if you saw her, you would totally get it. She’s like just perfect. I would just die, ‘cept I can’ t with this whole cursed undead thing I got going, if she like rejected me… ”

    ” You’re a vampire. Kill me and bite her neck. ”

    ” I wonder if she likes Bruno Mars? Maybe we could like, I don’t know, compare like playlists on our i-pods. Do you think that would be a good move? Hey, where ya goin'”Hey, its like dangerous outside at night. Somethin’could happen! Like somethin’horrible! ”

    ” God I hope so! ”

    Now that, that would make me shudder.

  23. Tom Noir Says:

    Bravo, FoM, bravo!

  24. Tom Noir Says:

    He may be vamping, but I wouldn’t call him a vampire.

  25. anon Says:

    The worst thing about this cover is that grin.

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